Back in it...

It feels like I am a month behind in my blogging. Oh wait...that's because I am!

I have so much to tell.

In the beginning of October I took over a business for a friend. I am now a representative for Miche Handbags. It has been a wonderful experience so far, and I have been so busy with it. Now I know why Sarah had to pass it on to someone else.

I have spent most weekends forming new relationships and new friendships. It's exciting to begin new chapters and I never expected it to go so well. Then again, I'm a people person and get along with most. This is not to say that I have completely wiped out the ya-yas. Yes, our group as a whole is no longer together, however, I have maintained friendships with most. I know that my previous blog made it sound like I wrote them all off. It's still very awkward for me as I have said before, I was so dependant on some of them and dependent on our "family" type friendship. I love them all dearly, and I think I just look at the whole situation differently. It's a positive difference.

I continue to see my shrink on a biweekly basis. The meds are working!!! I totally feel like I am leading a more even tempered life. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it all happened at this time in my life. I know that God saw the events that I have delt with in the last couple of months and knew that I needed to be a little more mentally sane before I had to deal with them.

I have been toying with the idea of starting a Bipolar/Mental Disorder awareness/support group in our area. That's basically as far as I've gotten in that it's still rattling around in my head. It's just so important to me that others understand this. I mean, you can only understand up to a certain point. If you don't have a mental disorder, you can't possibly 100% grasp the extent of it.

My children are great. It feels like on of the three are almost always sick, but I think that comes with the territory. Harper has now joined Bayler in the walking adventure, and so I spend my nights and weekends literally running after them. Whew...you wanna stay skinny. Have twin 15 month olds running around you!

I think this about catches you up to present day. I am busy with work, and looking forward to the holiday season here at the studio and at home. Thanksgiving in my favorite holiday and I can't wait to spend it with our family!

That's it for now. Catch you on the flip side.

It's been too long...

Wow, over a month since I last posted. Can't believe that. You seriously can't imagine how busy October was for me. INSANE!

I reread my last post to see where I left off. It was kind of a sad note. I wish I could say that October got better. The first part was truly rough. I said so long to another good friend. One of my best friends, actually. It hurt a lot. It still does. I think about him daily. But I know that my decision to walk away was the right one, for sooooo many reasons.

The ya-ya's are no more. Any chance I thought we had at mending it all has diminished for me. And to tell you the truth, I think it was all for the best. I keep looking back to my Divine Intervention blog. Losing your closest friends is defintely a life interruption. But throughout the last month, God has shown me the Intervention that he needed me to see.

But not all is lost...I have started some really great friendships with some really great people. It's refreshing and nice. And most of all, there hasn't been drama. Cross our fingers! I hate change. Absolutely hate it. But this is one time that the change was so GOOD!

There's so much more to tell, but it's holiday season here at the studio! And as you can imagine, we are SWAMPED!

Ta ta for now.

blah

I am exhausted today. Truth be told, I have been exhausted for awhile. My mind is tired, my emotions are shot, and I'm physically running on fumes.

It was a rough weekend. Headed to Oklahoma at 4am on Saturday to go to my Grandpa's funeral. I thought I had been pretty accepting of his death, as he's older, and we knew it was coming. But as I sat in the church, I realized we were saying goodbye to the second half of our family's core. Granny passed already.

I walked through a house that so many of my best memories were made. Sitting in that kitchen chair staring out the window while granny made us french toast and her secret orange juice. We were older when we figured out it was just Bright an Early oj, with a scoop of tang in it. Still, it was special to us. I loved our summers spent there learning to cross stitch. Learning to cook. Hearing the stories of years past. That's what happens when you have a 95 year old grandpa. You get to hear the good stuff.

I did something I never do. I actually viewed the body lying in the casket. I just had to see the face one last time of the man who started this amazing legacy that we call our family.

The service was beautiful. One of the greatest sermons ever preached probably. It's easy to talk when you know without a doubt that the man you are remembering is dancing with Jesus as you talk.

We left the next morning early and headed to Oklahoma City as my grandmother had been taken there the night before with heart issues. Talk about a crazy weekend. My mom has been put through the ringer. We are all just tired.

I just wanna break down. I try and look at this sweet little picture on my desk reminding me how fragile life truly is. I feel bad complaining knowing what others have gone through, but I can't help it. Part of my family is broken. Part of my core is shaken. And it really never will be the same.

I have no point to this blog. I'm getting a bit numb to the events that have happened in the last month. I pray for the person who is left holding the grenade that is me when I finally do have a breakdown. It will happen. Just not sure how or when.

Testing my patience...

I have been blessed in my life. Probably more than I deserve. God has given me more blessings than I can count. One thing he skipped was PATIENCE. I mean, he didn't even give me a little. I'm not sure if he ran out that day or what.

Yesterday I had to take Bayler to the doctor. She has been running what they call "cycle fevers". She basically runs a fever every 10 days or so with no other symptoms.

I brought it up last time we were in the doctors office with Harper. I figure I might as well get my money's worth out of each visit! I was told to bring her whenever I had a free moment. Come straight to the lab to get a CBC and a chest x-ray. There would be no wait because it's the lab. On the way home that day, they called me to say that the doctor would actually like to see her the day I came in for labs. So I schedule an appointment.

Yesterday, I took her in. I actually took her, Harper and Kurt. The plan was to hit the lab, take the kids to daycare, and head to work. HAHAHAHAHA! This is me we are talking about. I mean, I asked myself last night if I honestly thought it was going to go as planned. Stupidly, I did.

We get to the doctors office at 8am. We signed in and took our seats in the flu, cough, and cold infested waiting room. 20 minutes go by. 30 minutes go by. 35...40. My girls are getting restless. They are tired, they are cranky, and they don't wanna be there any longer. I actually kind of wanted one of them to start screaming in hopes that it would annoy the nurses and we would get in a little quicker!

After 45 minutes of waiting, I walk up front. I tell the receptionist in the sweetest voice I could possibly muster up, "Ma'am, we were here for labs and told there would be no waiting". She replies with a slimy little smirk on her face, "We understand. We are very busy today and we are waiting to get your paperwork so we can send it to the lab". What? My paperwork isn't even to the lab and I've been here 45 minutes? I wanna slap her, but resist the urge, and calmly take my seat.

Another 15 minutes goes by and I ask the lab if they have receive my paperwork. Yes, yes they have! Great! (again, this is me.) "It's gonna be awhile before we can get to you, as we have regularly scheduled patients in front of you". Hmmmm...Do I slap her in the face right then and there, do I calmly walk away, or do I break down and cry? So many choices. I opt for option #4. "There must be some mistake. I was told there would be NO WAIT, and I have been here for over and hour with 2 cranky kids. So, I don't care who you have to beg, borrow, or steal from, you are gonna get to my daughter in the next 10 minutes, or you are gonna need to call my shrink because I'm thinking the fuse at the end of my firecracker isn't gonna hold any longer than that!!!"

As I sit back down, I tell Kurt he should probably go ahead and take Harper on to daycare. Who knows when we will get in. As they leave, Bayler starts screaming because she's her daddy's girl and he has left her. Whadda ya know? They have called my name. GREAAAAAT! I love that I will get to be the one to hold her down for x-rays and needle pokes when she is already screaming for her daddy!

I won't go in to detail about how HORRIFIC that whole process went. I will say that they were so kind as to go ahead and give me my results then instead of having me come to my actual appointment at 1:45. I'm not sure if she did it out of the kindness of her heart or because I said to her..."You will find someone to read me these results right now. I WILL NOT be coming back in a few hours just to wait another 2. I also WILL NOT leave here until I get those results and if one more person tells me that someone is ahead of me, I am gonna go postal!" And you know what's weird? She got us right in!!! Funny how that works, huh?

Long story longer...She is anemic, and has a low white blood cell count. They are gonna hit her with some iron and a strong dose of antibiotics to make sure there is no underlying infection hanging around. We will retest when she has finished the antibiotic.

And you know what? I get the feeling that I'm gonna get right in this time. :)

Words I need to say.

So, I get a phone call last night. A friend of a friend is going through some rough times and is kind of in the same bipolar boat that I am paddling in. Man, I don't know this person, I have never met them, talked to them, or heard anything about them. But you know what? If someone is the same situation as me, then you can bet your butt that I'm gonna be there.

Why? First and foremost, when you are Bipolar, manic-depressive, depressed, or any other kind of mental disorder, YOU FEEL ALONE! Partly because you are, and mostly because you go along with the mentality that society has created and you keep to yourself. You wouldn't want anyone to catch it!

Secondly, most people DO NOT get it! They do not understand what you are going through! You can talk to your friends until you are blue in the face, but if they have not walked your path, they CAN NOT understand. Not even slightly.

If you haven't stayed up for 120 hours straight, you don't get it.

If you haven't eaten for days on end because your mental side has effected your physical abilities, you don't get it.

If you haven't gotten out of bed for days because you simply can not do it, you don't get it.

If you have never thought about life without you in it, you don't get it.

If you can't keep a job because of your anxiety and inability to focus, you don't get it.

If you can't get through a single thought process because your thoughts race through your mind like a Kentucky Derby, you don't get it.

If you have never felt like no one can possibly know what you are going through, you don't get it.

If you have never been so enraged that you have blacked out, you don't get it.

If you have never felt like you could fly in one second, and then feel like you are in hell the next, you don't get it.

And if you have never gone through this, THEN YOU DON'T GET TO JUDGE!

Yes, you can tell your friends and they can pray for you, talk to you, listen to you, but they will never fully understand the day to day struggles that you face. You MUST, and I repeat, YOU MUST GET HELP! No one can change this for you, but you. And you can not do this alone. This is like having asthma. It's not gonna go away because you will it to. When you are attacked, you need an inhaler. It's the same with mental disorders. You need medicine. You need a professional.

Mental disorders can control your life. They can ruin your life. DO NOT LET THEM.
I have walked this path a VERY long time. I know what it can do. And I know what it can't. I am not alone. I am not the only one who goes through this, but it took almost 10 years before I met someone who was willing to admit that they were paddling in the same boat I am. Break your silence. Do not be ashamed. It is not your fault, and if you don't allow it to control you, then it will not! Is it hard? HELL YES it's hard. It's a daily event to sit there and take a pill. It's a mental struggle to feel like you have to take a pill to be normal. That's hard.

But you know what? It's worth it. You wanna know how I know? Come spend the day with me.

Little Sponges

Everyone knows that kids are smarter than you think. They soak up absolutely EVERYTHING they see and hear. Sometimes this is a great thing. And....sometimes it's not.

Last night I had a free second between church and church, (yeah I said that right), to spend a couple minutes with the kids. The girls were just playing along happy as could be. I made the comment about how hot I was, because I just ran 3 miles. Bayler walked over to me and started blowing. What a smart little cookie. She blew on me like I was her food. Sweet little thing.

All of a sudden, Harper hit Bayler with the TV remote. I yelled "no-no", and both kids turned. I forget that I have to clarify which child I'm speaking too, especially since both girls seem to associate NO with Bayler. Because 99% of the time, she is the one who it's directed to. So, I said it again, "NO Harper". As soon as Bayler realized it was Harper that was getting in trouble, she walked over to her, swatted her hand and said "NO". I couldn't believe it. She knows that when it's big trouble, there is a swat on the hand and a loud NO to follow! Part of me wanted to laugh, and part of me wanted to get on to her. Of course, laughter won out.

As I watched them play a little bit longer, I laid down for a brief second on the living room floor. The next thing I know, Bayler has sunken her teeth into my knee! I yelped and let out a SERIOUS NO! Bayler knew immediately that I wasn't playing. She walked straight up to me, making kissing noises the whole way. She reached me and kissed me on the lips! SHE KNOWS! She knew that she was in big trouble and she played the "I'm so sweet, and I'm gonna kiss you now to keep me from getting into more trouble." Of course, this worked. How do you spank a child that just kissed you. Please keep in mind this little devil is 13 months old! I am shocked that she has learned such sophisticated charm skills at such a young age. Definitely her mothers' child.

A few more minutes go by and Harper starts to cry. I look down and see teeth marks and a guilty looking Bayler staring back at me. This time I'm aggravated. I bite her back and say no. She just looked at me like I was mental. I think she either thought, 'Are you seriously biting me right now'? or 'Is that all you've got'? It didn't phase her nonetheless. Kurt just laughed and laughed as all this happened in about a 5 minute time frame. He said, "obviously the spanking and biting isn't working". Really Kurt? Thank you for that observation.

It wasn't 2 minutes later, as Kurt was watching something stupid on the History channel, when Bayler bit him on the leg. Well what did he do? He spanked her butt hard. He was hot. Apparently it's a bigger deal when it's you that has been bitten.

Bayler started bawling. More than anything, she couldn't believe that her daddy had spanked her. She is 100% a daddy's girl. 100%. She cried all of 3 seconds and then just stared at Kurt. If looks could kill, I'd be picking out a coffin today. She crawled away from him and just stared. When he came close to her, she scooted away. When he tried talking to her, she started crying again. Now, talk about comical. I couldn't do anything but laugh. It's a little different when the shoes on the other foot, isn't it?

I headed off to church with a little bit of sarcasm in my step. I know that's hard to believe. But it's true. When I came home that evening, she was asleep with daddy. Hmmm...guess someone felt a little guilty.

Moral of this little tale. Your kids watch you. They pick up things that you can not believe. You are teaching them the ways of the world long before you even know. I, personally am guilty of saying, 'well, when they learn to talk, I'll stop saying that or this'. NEWSFLASH...that time is now. Just because they can't put all the syllables together doesn't mean they aren't getting the meaning behind your words. We are examples. We are gonna be gone one day and these children will be raising their children with the same morals, beliefs and values that they were taught, but more importantly; that they SAW!

What kind of example are you?

Don't sweat the small stuff...

So...

I didn't freak out when Drennen came home Sunday night with NO homework done while he had been at his fathers and he had to stay up until 9:30 on a school night to finish it. The old Whitney would have driven over to his fathers house and knocked on the door and said "Seriously? You wanna take a child away from me because I'm unstable, mental, suicidal, and incapable of raising Drennen when you can't even do 6 pages of homework every 2 weeks? Why don't you just go ahead and add homicidal to that list."

I didn't freak out when my phone died sometime in the night, therefore causing me to oversleep, making myself and Drennen VERY late today. The old Whitney would have thrown the blackberry across the room cursing as she went into a frantic fit.

I didn't freak out (much) when a stupid driver treated a stop light as a stop sign and nearly t-boned me this morning. The old Whitney would have honked her horn, flipped the birdie, and screamed that old people need to have their licenses' removed because they are all idiots! Along with some foul language.


I didn't freak out when I got to work and all the construction prevented me from parking anywhere within a 5 mile radius of work. The old Whitney would have walked right up to one of the construction guys that were standing around doing absolutely nothing and asked him what in the hell did he think he was doing standing there and when is this gonna be done, because it's absolutely ridiculous that it's so behind and what they "have completed" looks like total crap.

I didn't freak out when I got a hateful voicemail from the doctors office demanding a payment that I had made 3 days prior. The old Whitney would have called her back, told her that maybe she needed to get her facts straight before she calls and leaves a hateful voicemail like that on MY voicemail. I might even add a, who do you think you are in there.

AND, I didn't freak out when I called my lunch in a half hour ahead of picking it up and it wasn't even started when I got there. The old Whitney would have said "Are you freaking kidding me right now? What is the point of calling something in if you aren't gonna start it til I get there?"

But, I managed to not freak out in ANY of the above situations. Not sure if it's my pills finally taking effect; keeping me calm, cool, and collected, or if it's the constant visual reminder of little Kenzie on my desk at work and at home on my mantel helping me to remember the important things in life. Either way, even I am surprised at my own calm reactions.

However, I would probably stay out of my line of fire. I have a feeling that very soon something will happen and all the rage that I kept in from the above situations is gonna come out 10 fold on "some poor, innocent soul."

I just wanted you all to know that there is a possibility that I am becoming a little less crazy each day. Don't hold your breath or cross your fingers, as we have no proof that this is the case. Instead just simply smile and remember that 'No matter how crazy you feel at times, Whitney will always be crazier.'

Branching out....

Ok. So....Anyone who knows me knows that I don't deal with change well. It's almost always unwelcome and unappreciated. However, you know that there's always exceptions to the rule.

Last night I ventured into uncharted waters and went to "Girlfriends" at church. You all know that me and my ya-ya's are super tight and we very rarely venture out in to other groups. But the ya-ya's have hit rough waters lately and I felt like it was time I expand my horizons.

Don't get me wrong, there will never be a group of friends like us 8. We have been through way too much just to walk away and let hurtful words and silly arguments break us apart. If we are able to let those things get to us, then we truly aren't the group that we thought we were. I mean, if your best friend can't tell you what they think and the truth, then who can? And ladies... if any of you are reading...you know that we are bonded together by something stronger than anyone can even imagine. You know that when one of us hurt, the other hurts. You know that when one of us laugh, the other laughs. It's just the way we are. We might as well have the same blood flowing through our veins. We are one. Don't forget that.

So, in the midst of the crazy couple of weeks I had, I also made a couple new friends. I'm not gonna lie, it was actually hard for me. I am stubborn! (I know, this is shocking.) I like my group, I like the comfort and stability that we have, but I needed a change. I honestly can't handle any more drama right now. And at the same time, I need friends. So, this last weekend we hung out with 2 couples that we normaly don't hang out with. We had a BLAST! And you know who benefited the most? Kurt. He hit it off and has talked about the 2 guys ever since. That's awesome to see.

Now that my ADD has kicked in and I'm off track, let me get back to girlfiends! I had a FANTASTIC time. I really enjoyed myself and loved laughing with a fresh set of faces. I am excited to report that the men are golfing in the morning and I will be going to a "play date" with the ladies.

I know that most of you are thinking that this doesn't sound like me at all. And truly I never thought I would hear myself say the word "play date" and "me" in the same sentence.

You know how God is intervening? Well, his intervention is amazing and I am stoked about all the things he has in store for me. Until next time....

Help! I'm drowning.

Do you ever just feel like you are drowning in a sea of unfortunate events? That feels like my life lately. It's been one thing after another. The custody battle, Kenzer dying, Josh dying, my closest friends fighting, my grandpa on the edge of dying, my boss' three family members and friends dying, sick babies, sick mommy, and all the day to day struggles.

It seems that life has thrown so much at me lately. I always think in my head that God will not give me more than I can handle, and usually I feel so honored that he thinks so highly of me to give me all of this. But, I'm at my limits lately. I feel like I'm underwater and I've held my breath for as long as I can. I am doing my best not to let it bring me down. I don't wanna fall into that terrible place of depression, sadness, and anger.

Yesterday was not a great day. It was nothing life threatening, just one of those days where you wish you had stayed in bed. You guys know what I'm talking about. I skipped church last night to stay home with the babies and relieve my husband, who had been up 24 hours. The babies fell asleep early and I just sat there in the quiet. That doesn't happen a lot for me. I wanted to let the tears fall freely, but I just couldn't. Why? Because I feel like my life is under a microscope. I feel like with all this custody bull crap that I am not allowed to have a breakdown, in fear that it will be held against me. It's a tough road to walk.

I woke up this morning and tried to face the day with a better outlook and it seemed as if I was doing so. I put an old cd I found in the cd player and cranked it up as the babies clapped. A WOW christian cd from a few years back. Some of the greatest songs I have ever heard are on that cd. As I'm singing along and listening to the music, some lyrics cut their way into my heart.

'When I am down, and oh my soul so weary; when troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains, you raise me up to walk on stormy seas. I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raise me up, to more than I can be.'

Maybe I should have sat there in the silence last night and waited for God to come and sit with me. The only problem with that sentence is that he WAS sitting with me. I just didn't realize it. I never think about giving it all to God. Why? Why don't I think about that? I guess because I feel like I am superwoman and can take on so many things on my own. And for awhile, that works for me. But all of this, this is NOT working for me. So, today, I am sitting here typing this and giving it to God. This is in his hands. He never meant for me to carry this alone. Maybe he keeps throwing me curve balls until I'm willing to also let him catch them.

So, today I'm stepping off the home plate, and I'm sitting the bench. Join me. I hear the hotdogs and peanuts are great.

Let's start over...

I wake up this morning at about 3:30 to not one, but TWO crying babies. I'm too tired to mess with the whole rocking them each back to sleep, and so I break my #1 parenting rule, and allow them to sleep with me.

It wasn't much better after that. Bayler insisted on using Harper as a pillow. Harper insisted that she not. Bayler was running a fever from the head cold that each of us have going on right now, and so she was restless, to say the least. The alarm went off a few hours later and I managed to drag myself out of bed. I woke Drennen up for school, and jumped in the shower.

I need to stop right here and say that my morning shower is probably my favorite time of day. You know, when you get to have 15 minutes to YOURSELF! Priceless.

Anyhoo, I get out and my wonderful son has already woke up the babies and put them in their high chairs for breakfast. I'm fine with that except that he was feeding them apple jacks and honey grahams. Not exactly the breakfast they usually have. I get them their drinks out of the fridge. Harpers is still in there, because she has milk, and Bayler's sippy is empty on the counter. I fill it up with juice, because she refuses to drink milk, and hand it to her. I also give both of them a half of banana to cancel out the applejacks.

I walk into the bathroom to blow dry my hair for 2 minutes tops! I come out and am taken aback at the sight of my child. You all know which one it must be...Bayler, of course.

Apparently I forgot to put the spill proof spout in to the sippy cup BEFORE I gave it to her. So, she figured why not dump the entire contents on to her head! As if that wasn't good enough for her, there are junks of bananas squashed into her hair right along with the juice!!!

I look down at the soppy, wet, sticky mess. I want to yell, but I can't because she is giving me the sweetest little face and using the sign language symbol for "more".

How can you yell after that?

Needless to say, she had a morning bath. We usually do that at night. She cried the whole time as I reminded her that we don't pour juice and mash bananas in to our hair. Think she got it?

When Kurt got home, the crying ceased and I was able to leave for work. Of course, my wouldn't be complete without a little more stress, and I was pulled over 2 blocks from the house. Luckily just a courtesy warning.

Only me......

Not ready to make nice....

So, as most of you know, my blog is now private. I trust that each of you who I have given access to will keep any of my posts to yourself.

My blog is trying to be used against me. At first I decided to just stop blogging, but then I thought about it a couple of days. I received 22 emails, texts, messages, etc. in just the two days it was blocked from people who wanted to read it. That got me thinking. My blog, in all its glory, is intended first and foremost to help ME!

But, I have found along the way that I have an ability to help others who are following my journey. And I don't plan on stopping that because of others ignorance and stupidity. Eventually someone may get me down, but anyone who knows me knows that I will go down swinging. You can bet my blog on that.

I have had a very rough week. Between the custody battle, the death of a 2 year old, and now another acquaintance, I have been pushed to my limits. But like one of my favorite songs, I won't back down...I will stand my ground.

It is my goal in life to teach my children integrity, independence, and originality. Most importantly I want them to know that it's OK to go against the grain. It's OK to not have the same opinions as others. And I never want them to back down against their beliefs. And how can I teach them that if I don't practice what I preach. I CAN'T!

So, I will continue this blog. I will continue to write. I will continue to help myself, and I will continue to be a voice for others. If you don't like it, well I guess you will be moved to the blocked list!

ya-ya weekend

OK! So, the long awaited ANNUAL GIRLS WEEKEND has arrived.

The 8 ya-ya's take off tonight at 5:30 sharp! We leave on a private jet, take off to a secluded spot that only the 8 of us know about, dine at a world famous 5 star restaurant, listen to a famous singer, and then head to a world class resort where we stay for 2 nights, being waited on with whatever need we may have, while lounging at our own private pool, drinking fancy little drinks with those cute little umbrellas!

YEAH RIGHT....and then I wake up!

We leave at 5:30, we take 2 mini-vans(because that's how we roll), take of to the lake an hour away, dine at a dive karaoke bar (listening to no one but our own group of talent; which let me tell you is a riot), then we head to a lake house, where no one waits on us, but ourselves, while lounging at our private dock on the dirty lake, while drinking whatever was on sale at Walmart that day. And NO, there are no fancy umbrellas!

But, despite it all, its one of my favorite weekends of the year, hands down! It's rare that all of get to go out in public together. Namely because we get dirty looks from others when we get together. I'm not sure if it's because of the EXTREMELY high volume we create, our talking of plotting other people's death, or that they are just super jealous! I'm gonna go with the first two!

It's when some of our greatest memories are made. There are always tears shed as we reflect on each of the trials that we endured from the year, smiles over the plans we have for the future, laughter because no one else laughs over us so we have to do it ourselves, and most importantly....FOOD. Almost all of us are infamous for a dish that we make. So on ya-ya weekend we bring those fantastic recipes together.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. They are the best group of friends a person could ask for. They are as close to me as my children are. And that's pretty dang close. I feel extremely blessed to have such good friends who stand by me when others wouldn't give me a second glance. It's not everyday that you know that kind of love.

Love you ladies..

Whit

Relief.

The fair is OVER! I made it...Barely! This was the hardest year for me. I didn't think I was gonna make it through. I got sick, I passed out, I hit a man. It was a lot of drama. But it's over.

I told my mom, I am not sure I have ever worked a fair without a manic high. I now know that I'm not totally capable of handling the 19 hour work days without it! I made my goal on money and so that's always satisfying. At least all that hard work was worth it.

I wasn't able to take my antipsychotic pills during the fair because they are intended to shut my brain down and let me sleep, and since I couldn't sleep during the fair, I couldn't take my pills. I started them again last night and so today I'm doing the whole groggy thing, but I know that will fade in a few days. I am working my way up to a full dose of mood stabilizers. Apparently there is a deadly rash that less than 2% of people get with the drug I'm on and so they have to work you up to the right dosage. Awesome! That would be just peachy, right? Well, honey, I'm in a better mood but I'm dying of a rash!

School starts tomorrow for my little 2nd grader! I can't believe I have a 2nd grader. I am looking forward to school starting. I'm ready to get back in to some kind of a routine. We NEED that. My son, who is 7, is starting to act out a bit, and so maybe the routine of school will help things! Let's pray it does, so that I don't hurt him! haha!

Well, hope everyone's school week starts off swell!

Fair time!~

Wow, can't believe it's been a week since I last blogged. I am seriously busy. It won't get any better anytime soon either. My beloved fair has started today and I'm stoked! It's a loooooong ten days for me, since I'm working out there and my normal job, but I do love it. This is my 11th year working. Man that makes me feel old.

I have bought my fanny pack. I would hate to stand out in the crowd without it. I have my tennis shoes on and I'm chomping at the bit to get out there. I haven't eaten a funnel cake since I started, but man I sure can make a mean one! If you are out and about come see. Tell them I sent ya!

On to more serious subjects.

I debated long and hard about starting my hormone therapy this week, cuz 115 degree heat index coupled with hot flashes equals one cranky mamma! But two things kept me from doing it. A) I do not want to risk my endometriosis coming back, and B) I don't know how I will react to the new hormones and I would hate to miss working the fair. Yes people! I love it THAT much!

I also have REALLY struggled this week with taking my bipolar pills. I have done it. Faithfully, I might add. But I'm telling you, I can make killer money when I'm on a crazy manic episode! I will be getting about 3 hours of sleep each night and that's no problem when I'm high, but I think it might take a toll on me this year. I guess only time will tell.

I'm not sure when I get to blog again, but hopefully before next week! We shall see. Weather man says there's a cold front coming in. Once again, thank you God. He knows I get a bit cranky in the heat.

Until next week....

I miss my crack.

It's 9:21am. I got to work late....again. It's been like this all week. I am not hearing my alarm clock in the mornings. Nor am I hearing my children cry in the night. I'm not sure if it's because they aren't waking up, or that I'm sleeping through it. I feel tired. My eyes feel heavy. I am struggling to get in the zone.

It's my pills. While they indeed help my brain shut down, they are working a little too well. I cut them in half, as suggested by my doctor, but still, I am a zombie. I am not sure if I'm taking them too late or if they are just truly that powerful.

It's times like today that make a bipolar go off their meds. I MISS MY CRACK! I want my high back. I feel like I'm in rehab about to rip off someones face for just a tiny little bit of the good stuff. I'm ready to shoot a puppy if I think they are holdin'. And don't send me hate mail over that. I'm just laying it out there.

Night time is MY time! It's when I get something done. Whether it's reading, catching up on my tv, cleaning, laundry, bible study, or just sitting on the porch talking to one of the ya-ya's. IT'S MY TIME! With these pills, I'm not getting my time. I take them and then thirty minutes later, I'm struggling to make a complete sentence. My brain literally shuts off, and it takes me 15 seconds or more to get the next word in my train of thought out. It's so frustrating.

Just a short week and half ago, I could have stayed up til 5am getting all of the things on my list done, and wake up at 7am ready to start another crazy day, without even blinking an eye. Again, I MISS MY CRACK! I know that staying on my meds are the only way I can live a normal, well maybe not normal, but a healthy lifestyle. I'm pretty sure no amount of drugs will make me "normal". HAHA!

I have never been addicted to anything. I think I can say that and truly mean it. Yeah, I have drank more than I should have on occasions for long periods of time, I smoked like a chimney for awhile, and I smoked a couple joints back in the day. I'm not a soda pop fan, and I mostly stay on decaf coffee. And without even thinking, I could stop those things without the slightest bit of effort. So I am quite confident that I have never been an addict of any sort.....UNTIL NOW! I'm telling you, if they bottled the feeling I get from my manic episodes, I would walk through hell and take candy from a child to get it! And listen, I'm not one for taking candy from a child.

This is the hardest part of bipolar disorder. And I feel like I need to say this: I do not hate that I am bipolar. Sometimes I even love that I am. It truly allows me to think outside the box. You know when you buy a book of crossword puzzles. They have easy, hard, and challenging. Well for me, I couldn't do the easy or hard ones to save my life, but hand me a challenging one, and I can have it completed in a matter of minutes. My brain just truly thinks different. What seems so easy to most, presents the most trouble for me. I do not want any sympathy for this. I don't mind it. And I take offense when someone looks at me with pity. I am hear to educate, not to for pity votes. Just throwin that out there!

I wish I had some genius, thought provoking ending to this little blog. Unfortunately, I don't. Blame my pills.

Don't worry about a thing.

Heard an old song this moring that just really made me smile. I say all the time that life is too short to worry about anything. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, so why not LIVE today!



Ever been misunderstood, misused, or misled?
Ever knocked on the sky
and had it fall on your head?
well, don't worry 'bout it, don't worry
Ever lost your luggage, your marbles,
your house
Or found yourself in bed with Uncle Sam or Mickey Mouse
Ever been accused of murder on Music Row
Or caught in morning traffic when you
really gotta go - Oh no!

[Chorus]
Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing

Ever sat yourself down when the
seat is all wet
Or see your "ex" sucking face with
a little brunette
Don't worry 'bout it, no don't worry
Ever lost your religion, ever lost your
best friend
Or found your last record in the bargain bin
Or been stuck in a divorce like crazy glue
Or scraped someone else's gum off the
bottom of your shoe - Boo hoo!

We all got a little junk in the trunk
And when you're feelin' good as sunk
Remember, everything will be just fine
If I laugh at yours then you'll laugh at mine


Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing

(thank you very much)

Interruption or Intervention

Ok, so I have started a bible study on Jonah! Remember him? The one that God gave specific instructions to and he ran away from him? Yeah! Who hasn't done that?

Well each day we have a devotional that we get to do and last night was my Day 2. I'm not gonna lie, I was struggling to get into this. I don't know why since I am a total Jonah and constantly ignore God!!! One of the main goals of week one is to look at "Life's Interruptions" as God's "Divine Interventions".

For example: TWINS! LIFE INTERRUPTION! But when I change my thinking, I realize that GOD himself blessed me with those two little girls. And from the moment that they came into this world, they have truly been a DIVINE INTERVENTION. They have taught me patience(not always), they have taught me humbleness, and most of all it took them coming into this world for me to put my complete faith in the father. Because God and God alone was the only one who saved me during that pregnancy.

Now, as I read my little devotion last night, it asked what my current 'Nineveh' situation is. What has God thrown at me recently that I view as an interruption, but really is there to teach me and help me grow? I'm not gonna lie....I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING! AAAHHH! I kind of grew frustrated at this. Because the book says to be excited and waiting in anticipation of your next interruption. And I kind of am! As I closed my bible and said my prayers, I took a phone call from a friend.

I explained my struggle and as the words "I can't think of an interruption" came out of my mouth, I quickly realized that this friend was EXACTLY that! They came back into my life recently with a giant BANG, and my whole life has been turned upside down ever since! Well, you know me. I quickly blurted out "YOU ARE MY INTERRUPTION!" , to which my friend took offense. I retracted saying that nothing in this life happens without reason and that God is gonna use them to show me a DIVINE Intervention. How cool is that? How cool for them that God hand selected them to change my life.

By simply changing one word my life has a whole new outlook. I am scared at what he is going to show me, but I know that he has a plan for me that is greater than any fear or concern I could muster up.

But not only am I waiting in anticipation for God to throw something at me, I am also praying about another thing. I could very well be my friend. I could be some one's Divine Intervention. What if someone is out there just waiting for God to use me to speak to them? That's kind of a big deal. It makes me feel so special and yet I shouldn't be so surprised. God loves me that much. He doesn't NEED me for ANYTHING, and yet he chooses to use me anyway. That's big stuff.

So, how has life interrupted you lately? And if you change the word... how has life Intervened lately?

I shouldn't say that.

Happy Sunday all! It's been a few days since I have had a free second! It truly was one of the busiest weeks we have had. Work was nutty, trying to get all the kid contest pictures posted and done. The contest left me with tons of custom work, which I look forward to starting this week.

Friday I took the day off and headed to Kansas City to help decorate for my sisters wedding. She's not quite the planner that I am and tends to freak out a bit more. I am kind of an OCD when it comes to that stuff, and I actually enjoy it. She doesn't. I thought everything went about as smooth as it could go, though. The rehearsal went great, and I felt very confident in my song after I was able to practice with the piano man there. (I sang at the wedding, for those of you who don't know.)

The wedding was great. Dakota sobbed the entire thing, as well as my father. Ashley teared up a couple times. The sermon was amazing. It was very personal to them and I thought it was great. My favorite part of all of it was when the preacher spoke about our wedding rings. He said that when you get into a fight and you say hurtful words, you should look down and touch your wedding ring and remind yourself of how you felt the day you put them on. You should tell yourself that you married the most amazing person in the world and that maybe you shouldn't say that. Well, that one cut me like a knife! If I had been sitting by Kurt, I would have grabbed his hand and begged for forgiveness right there in the middle of that church.

As you have read from my posts, the last 6 weeks of our lives have been a little rough. We are raising twin 1 year olds, a 7 year old son who feels like testing the waters, a bipolar wife who is dealing with medical induced menopause, and a husband.

What I have forgotten is that he isn't just any husband. He is the man who has taken on the task of all the above on his own. He works long hours every night, and comes straight home to take babies to daycare. He gets a few hours of sleep during the day, when he isn't entertaining Drennen or running errands for me, and then he is up at 4 to pick up those same two babies. As soon as I walk in the door, he is hit with my attitude and the mood swings that I couldn't take out on our customers. He deals with my anger, my rage, my neglect, and my very hurtful words. And he does this day in and day out. Sure he has some hurtful words himself, and sure that makes me even more upset. But I have forgotten to look at my ring. I have forgotten to touch it and remember the day that I put it on.

It was one of the greatest days of my life. I knew that day that I married someone very special. I knew that I married someone who would stick by me through thick and thin. I knew that I married a man with the patience of Job. And most of all, I knew that I had married a man who knew all of my flaws and married me anyway.

When we got home late last night, I reached out my arms to hug him and I apologized like I had never done so before. I told him I would truly do my best to touch my ring when I am angry and remind myself that I shouldn't say that. There isn't a person in the world who would put up with all that he has and still stick around. That's why I know that God himself put us together.

And what God puts together, may no man seperate.....Including me.

No words

As I type, I'm listening to Kurt yelling at the twins who are spitting their dinner out and throwing their sippy cups on the floor. It's pretty much fitting for the day I have had and the mood I am in.

Work has been absolutely nuts. We have been swamped with a baby contest and I seriously have come close to insanity. I do love my job, though, and it's fun, so that makes it all worth it. I'm not gonna lie, though, I'll be thrilled when it's over!

I came home last night after a crazy day and was able to sit for a brief second before I had to run again. Story of my life these days. As I was ready to walk out the door, I hollered at Drennen to come say bye. When he walked into the living room, I literally choked. He had decided that he no longer liked his bangs and had taken care of the issue with his new school scissors! Folks, I'm seriously surprised he wasn't bleeding, that's how short it was. The first and only thing I could think of was my sisters wedding is in THREE Days and he is IN it! Of course, I freaked. I mean you would have to if you had seen it. I was just so upset. I screamed and yelled and ran out the door, late to my plans, leaving Drennen crying in the living room.

I finally got ahold of my sister who laughed hysterically about it. I'm not so sure she will be as cool when she sees his bald head come Friday. I guess we will find out. The rest of my night went great. Well, as great as it could with me being so upset. After I had calmed down, I dialed home. Drennen was still very upset and I apologized for freaking out on him. He was upset because he didn't realize he was gonna end up with a shaved head. Bald is not his favorite. But I realized that being bald was punishment enough, especially when school starts in just a few short weeks.

So....here I am 24 hours later, and it seems like the house hold is still in chaos. I have come to realize it just goes with the territory. But as I check in on each of my three precious children each night after all is quiet and I'm the only one still awake, I know that there is truly no greater reward than the joy that each of them brings. Life is too short to sweat the bad hair days. Lord knows I have had many of them myself.

Heck, I'm having one today!

Shrink it up!

Yesterday was the much anticipated, highly talked about, much needed SHRINK appointment! (folks, this is NOT sarcasm) I switched docs and I must say WHOLY MOLY! I had heard he was easy on the eyes, but DANG! He is a good looking man! Probably old enough to be my father, but still hot nonetheless.

I was very comfortable with him. He was easy to talk to, but hey, I could easily talk to a fence post! I must say that I learned a lot, and that's big for me. I feel like I am highly educated on bipolar disorder, and so when I learn something new, I am fascinated!

As I talked about earlier, I LOVE my highs. For this reason, I have always only taken and antidepressant to control my lows. I learned yesterday that this actually makes your bipolar worse. Every time that you have a mood swing, you destroy neurons in your brain. After time, you will have done the same things to your brain that being on crack for years will do! That's pretty insane....LITERALLY! So, by treating one side of the disorder, I have left myself wide open to the mood swings and in doing so I have been destroying my brain for YEARS!

There are 3 types of drugs that you treat mental illness with. Antidepressants, anti psychotics, and mood stabilizers. I now know that you should NEVER use an antidepressant to treat bipolar. Instead you should be on a mood stabilizer and in some cases, an anti psychotic. Lucky for me, I need both of these. The anti psychotic is a drug that helps my brain learn to shut down at night and help make me a little more normal. The mood stabilizer is just what it sounds like. It helps keep me from extreme up and downs.

My doctor like how I described my highs. I always say it's like being on crack, but it's free and it's legal. Who wants to give that up? But like he pointed out, it's hurting me just as if I was on crack. And who wants that? He is very confident that getting me well is possible. The problem lies within myself. It's giving up my 'drug' that will be the difficult task. I just have to remind myself that it's not real. I wouldn't want my children on a drug, even if it made them feel better and actually helped them. I need to treat myself just as well.

Seriously, GOOGLE it! One day it will be table time talk! You don't want to be the uneducated idiot at the dinner table...DO YOU?

Happy @#$%^^& Birthday!

My babies turned 1 yesterday. This DOES NOT make me happy. I spent my day in tears thinking about it. I can no longer tell people their age in months. I now have to say a year. It's heartbreaking knowing these two are my last and that the infant stage is now gone forever. I never thought it would bother me as much as it has. It's one more thing I'm gonna blame on the menopause.

So...today is the big party. I think I invited close to 70 people. They won't all come of course, but it will be a good crowd. I have had their party planned for months. Pink and Green is our theme. I wanted kind of classy and simple. I did their invites myself at work and spent a good week on them. They turned out amazing, I might add. I had their one year pics taken and printed on metal, as I do all their pics, and they will be on display on the head table. The only "decor" I really had was custom balloons. I had a giant H printed in green, a B printed in pink, and a #1 printed in white. I also did a few other latex arrangements for the party. I have a giant 2 tier cake made by the best. All in pink and green. Everyone kind of made fun of me when I did my ordering so far in advance. I told them I was neurotic and that I was having surgery in a week and wasn't sure what recovery would be like. They all, kindly took my orders, while snickering at the fact that I'm so anal.

So, this morning I wake up to a phone call from the balloon shop. "Mrs. Cromley, um, we just wanted to tell you that your balloons didn't come in." WHAT?!!! How is that possible. I ordered them 6 weeks ago! "Yeah, we are sorry. They just didn't make it in time." WHAT?!!! How is that possible? I ordered them 6 WEEKS AGO! So, I got myself up out of bed and down to the shop. They had nothing. I have no H, no B and I settled on this tacky #1. Did they offer to discount? Oooooohhhh NNNNOOOOO! Not one penny off my order. Are you kidding me? So, as I turned to leave, she says "come back again." Umm.....yeah.....sure thing!

As I get in my car and pull out into traffic to head to walmart, I'm fuming. This is why I'm a crazy hot mess. And again, the ya ya theme rings in my ears...."I don't need crazy pills, I just need people to stop being stupid!" I stop at the light while thinking this exact thing. All of a suddden....WHACK! I am rear ened! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Really? I mean Really? I get out, in the middle of traffic and take a look at the car... It's fine. I'm pretty sure that my whole body will be killing me later, but the car is fine. As I go to get driver information, I realize......I'm ALONE! There is no other car, there is no other driver.

I get back in my car, and make my why to Walmart...which is the last place I wanna be after that. I made my way home thirty minutes later and spill out my morning to Kurt. He just reaches out his arms and hugs me. I just let the tears fall.

It's been the longest day ever.....OH CRAP! It's only 9:30 AM!

Cloudy with a chance of CRAZY!

Today was insane. I mean INSANE! Work was nuts, and by nuts I mean 2 live radio interviews, 8 photo sessions, 5 viewings, and the phones ringing off the hook! At one point I wanted to throw my phone out the window! My phone is one of those "smart" phones and so I am alerted every time I get a call, text, email (from 3 different accounts), myspace, and facebook. So, needless to say, it goes off....A LOT! My husband hates it. Probably because it plays a different song for every alert and person!

While running along on this crazy day, I got an alert from my email. 9 times out of 10, it's from the ya ya's! We spoke about them previously. I always check my email when it's the ya ya's. You never know if one will need me. Today's emailed showed that they did. One of our girls lost her brother in law a short while back, and yesterday her father was diagnosed with cancer. Today's email was about 2 more tragedies related to her brother in law's friends. She was asking for prayer. I would be too. I simply replied with my usual life verse. "The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." And I let her know I would be praying.

I felt the need to share a little about what this verse has done for me. I was married in October of 2008. In November, about 3 weeks later, I got pregnant. At 7 weeks along, before most people even know they are pregnant, I was told I was having twins. I gotta tell you...it didn't sit well. I cried like a baby for 36 weeks. On the very day I found out I was pregnant, my friend Mindy sent me this verse via email. "The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." At this point, no one knew I was pregnant.

My pregnancy was by far the hardest situation I have ever been through. I started getting sick at 8 weeks and lost over 20lbs in a matter of weeks. I'm a small person, so 20lbs is a huge deal. Everything that I put in my mouth came out. At 20 weeks along I started contractions and was put on bed rest. I drove over an hour multiple times a week for 4 months to be "stressed tested" and poked with a dozen needles. I became so ill that I had to have a blood transfusion. Of course, this is me we are talking about and so, of course, I had an allergic reaction to the blood! For 9 months I went through hell. And I mean hell. I became very depressed. 2 weeks before I delivered I thought I was in labor. I was rushed to the hospital to learn that my blood pressure was through the roof. I was taken by ambulance to Columbia where I stayed a few days to determine if I had preclampsia and to see if they would have to take the babies. I prayed they would. I had had enough. I couldn't take it another minute. To make matters worse, I was put on the floor with all the mothers who had already delivered because they were so full. Talk about making a depressed woman worse. I literally HATED the babies growing inside me.

After a few days there I was released...STILL PREGNANT! A few days later, I took a little drive. I came upon the intersection of 50 and 65. It was at that moment I decided to end my life. I saw a semi coming and floored it. All I can say is that my car slowly turned right and into the Taco Bell parking lot. I was in the drivers seat that day, but I wasn't the one steering that wheel. As I sat in the parking lot shaking, that verse popped into my head. "The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

I was admitted into the hospital that day and underwent numerous psychological reviews. I was crazy! Seriously! I was only released into the custody of my parents where I stayed for a week until I delivered my sweet baby girls. As I held them for the first time on July 23rd of 2009, a year ago this Friday, I can not tell you the amount of love that welled up in my heart. There are truly no words.

When I say to you face to face, in a text, in an email, that 'The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you', I mean it. They are words I say because I know them to be true. It is by God's Grace and God's Grace alone that I am alive today.

"The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

I am living proof!

Life is a highway...

I'm feeling great today. The weather is nice, the sun is shining and my heart is happy. I had a great chat with a young man at vacation bible school yesterday. It's amazing to me how inspiring some of our youth can be. I only wish I had been half as mature at that age! It's so amazing to me to see how God works so differently in every one's life.

This kid has dreams, and goals, and potential to accomplish them all. At 18, I was worrying about where my next meal would come from and who I was going out with that weekend. Sometimes I think that this generation is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. There is so much sin in the world today that I forget good does still exist. I refuse to watch the news at night because you can't watch it for 3 seconds without hearing about someone being killed.

It got me thinking...What do I bring to this world?

I gave my testimony a few months back and I was truly SHOCKED at the lives it touched. I received so many emails, cards, letters. It really hit one person in particular. A troubled teenage mother to be with a pretty crappy home life. I could relate! This girls story really made my heart break. It was SO similar to my own, except that I pushed my family away. Her mom doesn't care about her. Her mom is down right hateful if you really wanna know. In the past 7 months since I gave my testimony, I have taken her under my wing. I told God right before I told my story that if he could just allow me to reach one person, then all the heartache and trouble I went through would be worth it. This is my person. I have a real chance to change someones life. Do you know what kind of power that is? It's scary. But I know that God put me in her direct path for a reason. I know that without the help of sooooo many people back then, that I wouldn't be here typing this blog now. In fact, I know that I would be 6 feet under. This is my chance to pay it forward for all that was paid to me.

I was always told 'You are either an example or an example of what not to be.'

I have now covered both! Which are you?

Eat, Live, Pray

What a joy it was to be back to church today! It had been 3 weeks, but man, it felt like an eternity. I said something today that made me stop and think. I said I was so excited to get back to church because "I miss my Jesus."

I know in the last few weeks our household has been hectic, to say the least. All schedules were tossed out the window, all routine was dismissed, every sense of normalcy was gone. And I guess in the midst of that, I lost my Jesus too.

Sometimes in life we lose our Jesus. We lose our way. We lose our purpose. It's so easy to call on him when we need him the most, and lose him when we think we don't. Often times I find that when I think I don't need him, that's when my world comes undone. Maybe that's him saying "Whitney! HELLO! YOU NEED ME!" I know that in our house it's eat, live, pray. We go through the day feeding our kids, living our lives, and praying at mealtime and bed time. It's so easy for me to forget that I need a daily time with the one who has never forsaken me. Especially, when I feel alone.

It kind of dawned on me today when I said I missed my Jesus that maybe Jesus missed me too. The problem with that statement is...HE never went anywhere. I'm so guilty of saying to him, "why did you leave me?" I know in my heart that he is always there. He always has been. I let my world get so chaotic and so busy that I forget to go to the one who has blessed me beyond words. It is him that I owe everything to. And the best thing about our Lord and Savior is that no matter how many times we push him away, forget him, or lose him, he is ALWAYS there when we find our way back to him.

Do you miss your Jesus? Maybe it's time you find him!

Part 2..Manic Mania

So, as promised I'm keeping you posted on my manic episode. I go see my shrink next Monday and I'm not gonna lie, I'm super excited. I can't tell you how strongly I feel about having a shrink. I think every single person needs to go to one. There is nothing better than having an outside, objective opinion who will ALWAYS be your ally. I mean, let's face it, you can't put a price tag on that. Well...you can...and it's expensive...but well worth it. :)

I got my appetite back about 3 days ago. Down to 107lbs. It's not completely there yet, but at least I'm eating something each day. I think I had a 3 day period where not a single bite of food reached my mouth. That's scary!

I went to another visitation this week. A 20 year old. That's hard. All funerals are hard, but when they are younger than me, it just hits a little harder. I was reminded of all the loss that we have been hit with this past year. And if anything will bring you down from a manic episode, it's death.

I have started to sleep about 3-5 hours a night! YAY! I'm very excited about that. If my kids weren't sick this week, and up all night, I'm thinking I would've slept a little better. I'm still feeling like a basket case. I even called my mom requesting prayer. You know it's serious then! She told me it was hormones and to be nice to Kurt! haha! I think she knows me or something. I also feel like I haven't seen him since my surgery. It's weird. But tonight we are changing that and going on a date! YAY! Headed to watch the auditions for Missouri Idol. I have tossed around the idea of auditioning myself but I think I'm gonna wait. I don't know why. Fear of rejection I'm sure. But I can't wait to post about the tryouts on tomorrows blog.

Thanks for all the prayers and nice thoughts. Here is a pic of the babies... the ones who are gonna be the death of me! HAHA!

Mommy needs a timeout.

So....all week long I have had twin girls teething! BOTH! Fever is high and babies are cranky. Daddy is cranky too because he works nights and neither are able to go to daycare. I can't stay home because I just started back to work. I am feeling a bit tired this week. The continuous nights of no sleep are starting to catch up with me.

I emailed my mother yesterday asking her to pray for me because I seriously think I am losing my mind. She said it's hormones and I wasn't going crazy. HA..she hasn't been around me. This week, though, I have been reminded of why I work.

When Kurt started working for my dad last year, it left me with the option of not working. I thought about it for about 8 seconds. I HAVE to work. It's just not in me to not. I enjoy working. I feel good about working. I did take a part time job and it makes me so happy. I enjoy it so much. I have had a lot of people that have asked me why I would work if I didn't have to, instead of staying home with my kids. The answer to that is simple. I'm a better mother for working. God blessed me with a lot of things in my life, but patience was not one of them. It's not rewarding me to be at home with them all day. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. I love them to full capacity when I come home to them each day. When I am home with them constantly, I am not able to cherish them the way I should. And I don't think that makes me a bad mother. I am able to recognize that I am best when I am working. There should be no shame in that. It's just like when I hated pregnancy. I got so many looks and opinions over that. My doctor put it best one day. For me, personally, to love pregnancy was like asking someone to love cancer. My body went through hell and back for 9 months. The girls literally sucked the life out of me. It's hard to love something that makes you puke multiple times a day for 36 weeks. It's hard to love being poked with needles twice a week for months. It's hard to love losing so much blood that you need multiple transfusions. It's hard to love losing your mind and wanting to hurt yourself.

All of that is the same at being a stay at home mom for me. I can't love my children the way I need to when I am with them 24/7. And I'm ok with that. Why can't others be?

I don't really feel like you should ever judge anyone for the decisions they make. You haven't been in their shoes, so you don't know what they are going through. SO...if working makes you a better person and mother, WORK! DOn't worry about what others think. I certainly don't...

Really? It's gonna be that kind of day?

As most of you know by now, I just had major surgery a couple weeks ago. While I feel great, I know that my feelings can be decieving. I am still on strict orders not to pick up my kids for 4 more weeks. That being said...my husband works nights. We have been very lucky in that our parents have watched the kids overnight on the off chance that one would wake up and need to be picked up. Last night, however, that ended.

Now, our twins have slept through the night since they were about 7 weeks old, so it's a rare occasion when they do. But if you know me even slightly, you know that I have the WORST luck in all the world. (this is also how I got the drama queen title). So, I went to bed last night at 2am. That's pretty good considering I have been staying up since 5am. Well what do you know, but at 5:30 this morning the babies awake. Not one, BUT TWO! I go into the nursery and low and behold one's covered in last nights lasagna, and the other is screaming for food. Harper thinks that if she is awake, she needs to be eating. I can't let a child sit there covered in puke, so I pick her up. I get her cleaned, all the while listening to the other scream for a bottle. I finally get two bottles made and both babies in their high chairs disregarding all rules and regulations. They both eat, and they both stay awake.

On most days Kurt is home by 7:30, but since this is me we are talking about, he was running late. Really late. I am supposed to be at Drennen's tennis match by 9, but at fifteen after there is still no sign of Kurt. I have been up almost 4 hours and the whole time I have listened to my 11 month old daughters SCREAMING! Harper wants to use her bottle as a binkie and I have to use all of my strenth to get the nipple out of her mouth, and Bayler wants to be held. While I hold Bayler she decides she wants to play with my phone. It's fine until she starts calling the electric company. When I take it away, she becomes hysterical and proceeds to kick me in the stomach multiple times. This is where I send up a prayer...Oh Lord, please don't let me cause bodily harm unto my infant child today. Thank you and Amen. About fifteen minutes later, with both children still crying, daddy walks into the door. Immediately all is well....which makes me want to scream myself. I run out the door with nothing on but a t shirt. I get all the way to the tennis courts before I realize what has happened. Thank the Lord that there was a spare set of shorts in the car. They were Kurt's but nonetheless I wore them. I watched Drennen's tennis match for a whole 5 minutes before they called time. AAAAHHH!

And that was all before 10 am!

And a friends a friend forever...

I just want to take a moment to give a shout out to my friends. I have heard it preached SO many times that you are truly lucky to get only a few good friends in life. I feel beyond blessed that our group of friends is larger than that. Let me just give you a little insight.

Kelly- our leader! haha, it's not that she's the boss, cuz all of us are that, it's that she brought us all together.
April- Our connection. She knows everyone and always has the inside scoop.
Mindy- Our comedian. I'm serious, she needs to do stand up.
Tonya- Our Warrior. She is a rock. She cleans like it's her job and she is the LOUDEST of the group.
Rochelle- Our spiritual guide. She is always there with a verse to apply to whatever situation you are in.
Megan- Mama Bear. If she doesn't like it, she will let you know.
Stacy- The newbie. She has been welcomed into our group with open arms and already has been there for me more than a new comer should.
ME- THE DRAMA QUEEN. As much as I hate it, I'm the young one and there is still quite a bit of drama in my life.

Our group is 8 women large. And we are tighter than a bolt on a roller coaster. You upset one of us, you upset us all. As a group we have gone through a lot of heartache. We joke often about getting new friends. Problem is...no one would take us. So we stick together. We are like the movie Steel Magnolias. Literally. We call our selves a lot of things. Yayas, Sisters, Friends, and others that we won't mention due to liability reasons! I'm more thankful for them than words can say. They are my family. They keep me going. We speak...EVERYDAY! When one is hurting, we all hurt together. When we laugh, we laugh together. And when one is missing...well...they get talked about that day!

They have personally seen me through a lot of trials and are still standing beside me today. There are a lot of people that would turn up their noses and write me off, but not the group.

Do you have that kind of friends? I'm telling you, there is a lot of drama in a group that big, but the love they show is worth it. I just wanted to say to you ladies how grateful I am that you are part of my life... AND DON'T FORGET TO CREMATE ME when I'm gone.

Forgive and let die.

So, after a couple of really rough weeks I am laying to rest my anger, irritation, disappointment and resentment. I am married to a man who truly has the free spirit hippy soul. He's constantly preaching that there are certain things in life that we can't control, so why waste our days being upset about those things. He is 100% right. I hate to say it, but I have been to more funerals in my life than a 25 year old should have to. NONE of us are promised tomorrow, not one of us.

I don't wanna leave this world angry at anyone and angry at myself. I always think about the people we leave behind. I don't wanna leave that on someone. What if someone left that on you? It makes me sick to think about. And wasn't that the reason that Jesus paid the ultimate price...Forgiveness for all of us. If he can lay on a cross in agonizing pain, then surely I can forgive a friend who ticked me off!

Is there anyone you need to forgive? What if today was your last day on earth? I'm thinking there might be a few phone calls or visits that may need to be made. Remember, tomorrow may be to late!

Manic Mania

There are two hours left in this day.. which is? Thursday I think. Since Monday evening, I have had a total of 7 hours of sleep. TOTAL of 7 hours.I know what you are thinking...oh you poor thing, you must be exhausted. WRONG! I feel like I could run a 5k marathon right now and win. If you saw me, you would think I look exceptional. I feel like superwoman. I can juggle 3 kids, a husband, friends, house chores, work, church, blogging, facebook, and texting (all only being 2 weeks out of major abdominal surgery) without even flinching.
I don't sleep.
I don't eat.
I am down 8lbs in 11 days.
What's going on? I'm having a manic episode of bipolar.
I don't know how long it will last. I never do. I stopped my meds a few months after I had the girls and came out of my deep depression. Why? I like the highs. I know that sounds sick, but you can't even imagine what I am capable of getting done when I'm in a manic episode. I have never done drugs, but I can only imagine it's like being on a major dose of speed. Only I have no control over it.
I went to the doc yesterday. During my pregnancy I established a relationship with him that's more like a best friend than a doctor. He saw me at my very very worst. And he knew INSTANTLY that I was in an episode. He made me promise to get back on the meds right away. WHY? Well your brain starts releasing so much "feel good" feelings that eventually it takes over your ability to make sound decisions. You act on impulse. You don't think. You just do. People walk away from families, friends and their entire lives without even realizing what they have done. I have had one crazy week and once I realized what was happening, I know why I have acted the way I have.
I don't know if I have ever had a manic episode get away from me. That's the problem with them. When I look back on my teenage years and some of the crazy rash decisions I made, I wonder how much of that was teenager and how much of that was bipolar. I know I preached on this subject a few days ago. But, it's my entire life. It's something I face everyday. And it's my mission in life to talk about it as much as I can until it becomes a topic that's okay to sit around and talk about. Tomorrow morning I might fall off the manic. Part of this journal is for me to be able to go back and research what I felt during certain episodes of my life. It's really like watching my life happen in front of me while I'm behind a wall with no control over it. I have episodes that have lasted for months. I encourage you to google it. Education is key. Don't worry, I have scheduled appointment with doc to start the pills again. I know what's at stake when you aren't careful.

Today, I have felt the start of a fall.

To be continued...

Head vs. Heart

Head v. Heart is always a tough one for me. I am a feeler. I act on emotion. Sometimes that's great and sometimes it's not. This week I have been torn up over the head v. heart matter. My heart feels one way, my head knows it's wrong. What's the right answer?
It's different for everyone and every situation. I live my life so that when I'm 97 and sitting in my rocker on the front porch, I can look back and know that I did everything I wanted to do, and I said everything I wanted to say. I don't want any regrets. Life is too short for that. When you love someone, you gotta tell them. Your not promised tomorrow and neither are they.
So, this week I listened to my heart. I poured everything out that I needed to say. What was so difficult about it was that my head knew that NOTHING would come of it and I might even lose a friendship. But, my heart knew that my friendship was stronger than that and that I would never be ok living a life having not said what I feel. It's just not in me. So, I took the plunge and you know what? It might be one of the greatest decisions I have ever made. My heart was right and our friendship can withstand more than mosts....but my head was also right in that it doesn't really change anything. BUT! I can sleep at night....well hopefully. This blog was for no one but myself. Each situation has to be handled differently. But, I am a firm believer in getting it all out there. When you hold it in, you get stomach ulcers....LITERALLY!
It's like the Garth Brooks song...If tomorrow never comes, will you know how much I loved you? Did I try in every way to show you every day that you're my only one? And if my time on earth were through, could you still face this world without me? Will the love I gave you in the past be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes?

Don't let tomorrow pass you by. You might only have today.

Leprosy...I mean Bi-Polar Disorder

Yeah I said it...

I felt the need to get this out today. It's been weighing on me for awhile now. The BIG bi-polar topic. I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager. It was years later that I had a very dear friend let me know I might have bi-polar disorder. I say dear friend because only your closest, truest friends will let you know something like that. I remember looking up the disorder and finding myself checking 15 of 16 symptoms. I sent the link to my mother, whom then called my father and read them to him. He asked if my picture was next to the article because that was SO ME! After a few doctors visits, and years of therapy, I had been officially diagnosed. Bi-Polar Depression Disorder. Type 2.
It NEVER once bothered me that I have this disorder. It's not something I did, it's not something I asked for, it's not something I chose. It's a real sickness, requiring real medication. What I didn't expect was the reaction people have about it. I mean, people seriously look at you like you have a horrible disease...such as leprosy, or AIDS. I firmly believe the problem is that the world is uneducated to it. And you know how people are, when we don't get something, it's far easier to judge than to sit down and look at facts. I honestly feel that if more people would be open to talking about it, that we would have far less suicides. Part of the sickness is that you feel so ashamed feeling the way you do. But no one understands that it's not your fault you feel that way. And when the world shuts you out, you only sink further and further into your hole.
I had a very good friend whose husband took his life last year. I was so angry at him that I wanted to hit him when I saw him in the casket that day. It took a while for me to realize I was so angry because I had been there myself. I was angry that he felt like he couldn't share those feelings with someone. I was angry that the world pushed him down into his hole. I was angry at myself for being angry at him and judging him just like the rest of the world when I myself have been in that very pit.
I have been in the pit twice in my life. And I pray to God that I never reach that level of lowness again. It's not something you can explain when you come out of it, because you can't recall that feeling post depression. To this day though, I still cry thinking about those times. It's the hardest feeling in the world. Unfortunately, one was during my pregnancy, making it impossible me to go back to that time. That's why there are no pregnancy pics. There are no journals, cards, NOTHING that will remind me of that time. It's not something you wanna live again and it's not something you wanna remember. By the Grace of God I made it through 36 weeks of a twin pregnancy. By the Grace of God.
I just wanted to vent a little on that. Next time you hear someone say that they are Bi-Polar or that someone else has it.. say a little prayer for them. You never know where they are at on their coaster of emotions. You could be the very one that pulls them out of that pit.

25 and menopausal!

Yes it's true. I'm 25 and going through menopause. Not something you really see everyday. After going through 10 years of endometriosis, I finally made the decision to have the junk taken out. Junk is all it was. I don't regret my decision....well not yet. I started the hormones instantly but like everything big in my life, it didn't go down easy. The migraines started, I was sick, I was fainting and I was DONE! So, doc pulled me off the pills and now I'm really getting the full effects of being menopausal.

Between the hotflashes and night sweats and moodiness, I can't decide if this is harder on me or my husband. Not to mention our three children. It's only been 11 days since the surgery and I did way too much too fast. So on day 11, I'm in bed again wishing I would have listened. But hey, stubborn is my middle name.

It's almost...wait no...impossible to not pick up your sweet little babies. They don't understand that mommy can't pick them up. The sadness in their eyes when they reach out for you is just too much for this mommy to handle. Anyway, back to the blog.. I started this blog as a way to vent my own thoughts and feelings. I wrote a lengthy little story a few years back about my life and found that it was so nice to get all of that out and on paper. Even if no one reads it, I feel better. A few things you should probably know about me before you follow the posts...

I say what I think...ALWAYS. Life is too short to hold everything back and no one is guaranteed tomorrow. I don't wanna look back and wish I would have done something I didn't.

I'm not a private person. My life is literally an open book. So, if your looking for sugar coated and discretion, you might wanna follow someone else.

I'm a little crazy... haha. I'm a mother of twins, and I take on more in a week than some do in a year. SO, at times, I get a little frazzled and the crazy person comes out, which leads me to my last one.

I have bipolar depression...diagnosed a while back. So when you see the ups, and then the downs, just know that it's an issue and I'm working on it. My pregnancy with the girls was the lowest I have ever gotten and since I have had them, I have been a new person. I felt myself going into a bit of a funk after the hysterectomy, which is another fun side effect. So here I go, in a theraputic journey of writing.

Enjoy the ride.