Today I received a text from my dad, who's on business in Arkansas. He was letting us know that he had driven by the house we grew up in and how rough it looked, and that the big barn was gone. All at once a huge wave of pain and sadness overwhelmed me. As I sat there starting to recall some of the memories of my childhood, more texts from my mom and sister started to come in. Not only was our barn gone, the barn where I spent 90% of my childhood, but so was the Oak Grove Store where my granny used to work.
My granny has been gone for over 10 years now, but the memories I have of visiting her at that store will always be my favorite. We'd take a trip to town in the old pickup, almost always sitting in the very back. You could do that back then. Life was simpler. We would spend so much time searching for what we wanted, looking over every item; always settling on the same exact thing. Ashley, my sister, would always pick out a Pepsi and a Carmelo. I would always pick a pack of candy cigarettes and a pack of beef jerky that came in a tobacco shaped can. (I told mom today that surely that was a sign of the rebellion that was to come?) I can't recall what Levi, my brother, got. He was so little when we lived there. We would take it up to the front and granny would ring it up. I don't know if we got it for free because she worked there or if she or my dad paid for it. So many times we would sit behind the counter and help her. We would take money from the customers and pop the tops off the sodas for them using the bottle opener behind the counter. How many kids can say they did that?
While I have been blessed beyond measure with my husband and three children, the memories of my childhood and living on a farm just can't be compared. I can put on a dress, curl my hair, and rock some smoke eye make up with the best of them, but at my core you will find a country girl. That will never change. There are no city lights, no street noise and no traffic jams where I come from. There's just miles of hills, dirt roads and creeks. Creeks where we caught crawdads and pastures where we played in cow patties. But more than anything, my best memories were from views off the ground and on the back of a horse. I can't even put into words the joy that fills my heart and the smile that covers my face when I think about riding horses on our farm.
I would've traded in every friend I had for one of my horses. And that's saying something because I was just as social then as I am now! There's just a peace about a horse. There's a knowing that they have. They sense your fear. They sense your love and your joy. My favorite horse was named JoDee; after JoDee Messina. Only a country girl would name her horse after a country music singer.
While I ride around in an SUV instead of on the back of a sorrow quarter horse these days, I'm proud to say we still have a Ford pickup parked in the drive. We own land that will be the site of our future home. It will be where we teach our children how to shoot a gun, ride a horse, cast a line, and catch crawdads. More importantly than anything, it will be their Oak Grove. It will be the place they can recall one day with the, hopefully, the same smile when they think of the memories that they made there. And Lord willing, they can drive by it one day and never see it without rose colored glasses.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
For I know the plans...IN
Today wasn't my day. To be quite honest, the last month really hasn't been my month, but today just REALLY wasn't my day.
I found out around lunch that Drennen is in a class with no other friends this coming school year. We only have 8 boys in his class and they split down the middle in kindergarten. The other three made it into the other teachers class.
I've never been one to pick a teacher or make sure my son got who he wanted. I've always felt like God would put him where he needed/needs to be. But, when I found out that his security in that school, and the reason he gets up to go in the morning were all in the other class, my heart just crushed.
I dreaded telling him. The pain in my stomach, knowing what his reaction would be, was already too much.
I wanted to have him switched. I wanted to run down to the school. I wanted to cry. And I, in fact, did all of these. In my head I wrestled with the demon and the angel. The mom in me just had to "fix it". The Doubting Thomas in me kept asking if this was how it was supposed to be? Am I doubting what the father has planned?
After coffee with a friend, hasty prayers sent up, a phone call to my mother, (because that's how serious this was) and talking to Drennen's father, (Yes, yes it was that bad.) I headed to the school.
Thankfully Drennen's dad has sent an email ahead voicing our concerns and when I arrived, they were expecting me. The principal met me with an understanding heart. And while he heard me on not wanting to make waves, he also said I wasn't a complainer and never asked anything of the school. (All true.) They decided to switch Drennen but at the expense of someone else. This didn't sit well with me, either. How would I feel if it was my child that was switched all because "some kid didn't get his friends?" I felt the need to speak with the teacher he was assigned and get her thoughts. I was, after all, happy that he had been assigned to her.
After a long heart to heart, I just had this feeling that Drennen needed to stay in this class; with this teacher. And she convinced me to tell him about the list and see how he felt, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
I made my way down the hall to the summer program where Drennen was. I put on a smile and started the whole conversation in as bubbly a voice as I could muster without sounding too fake. I asked if he knew which teacher he got and he said no. I told him and he said, "Man, she's the mean one!" I said, "She's only mean if you make her." I let him know the first kid in his class was his friend. Drennen was happy he was in there because the other kids weren't nice to his friend and he was happy they were together. At this point, I lied. I lied and told him that they had done that on purpose. I told him that they knew he was a good friend to this boy and they wanted to make sure they were together. I then named off the other boys. One he was thrilled over, one he could take or leave and the other he didn't know. And then.... I waited.
I waited for the reality to wash over him as he realized that none of the rest of his group would be with him. After awhile, when he still hadn't mentioned them, I finally did. I said, "So, do you realize that this means your other friends got into the other class?" He said, "Oh, yeah, but I'll see them at lunch and at recess." That was it. There was no pain in his eyes. There was no tears streaming down his face. Doubting Thomas couldn't let it rest yet, though. "Are you sure you are good? I was kind of worried. I didn't know if I should try and change it or fix it?" "Mom! I'm fine. Seriously. I can see them a lot."
I couldn't stay another second. The tears that had threatened all day just wouldn't be held another minute.
I knew I needed to go back down to the office and cancel the switch. But I just couldn't. I had to get out of there.
I all but ran to my truck and slammed the door shut. And there I just let dam break.
Sometimes in life we expect too much out of our children. I am the top on the GUILTY list. I was raised to have perfect grades, to excel in extra curricular activities, and to be perfection. And it's almost impossible not to expect the same out of my children.
But, then there are days, like today, when we don't expect enough.
I sit here now knowing that God put him in the class he was intended to be in. He knows the plans he has for him. He knows the plans he has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future.
Only God could've changed the heart of my son today. I'm not saying this year will be a breeze, because I'm not stupid. But, I saw hope today..... I saw hope.
I found out around lunch that Drennen is in a class with no other friends this coming school year. We only have 8 boys in his class and they split down the middle in kindergarten. The other three made it into the other teachers class.
I've never been one to pick a teacher or make sure my son got who he wanted. I've always felt like God would put him where he needed/needs to be. But, when I found out that his security in that school, and the reason he gets up to go in the morning were all in the other class, my heart just crushed.
I dreaded telling him. The pain in my stomach, knowing what his reaction would be, was already too much.
I wanted to have him switched. I wanted to run down to the school. I wanted to cry. And I, in fact, did all of these. In my head I wrestled with the demon and the angel. The mom in me just had to "fix it". The Doubting Thomas in me kept asking if this was how it was supposed to be? Am I doubting what the father has planned?
After coffee with a friend, hasty prayers sent up, a phone call to my mother, (because that's how serious this was) and talking to Drennen's father, (Yes, yes it was that bad.) I headed to the school.
Thankfully Drennen's dad has sent an email ahead voicing our concerns and when I arrived, they were expecting me. The principal met me with an understanding heart. And while he heard me on not wanting to make waves, he also said I wasn't a complainer and never asked anything of the school. (All true.) They decided to switch Drennen but at the expense of someone else. This didn't sit well with me, either. How would I feel if it was my child that was switched all because "some kid didn't get his friends?" I felt the need to speak with the teacher he was assigned and get her thoughts. I was, after all, happy that he had been assigned to her.
After a long heart to heart, I just had this feeling that Drennen needed to stay in this class; with this teacher. And she convinced me to tell him about the list and see how he felt, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
I made my way down the hall to the summer program where Drennen was. I put on a smile and started the whole conversation in as bubbly a voice as I could muster without sounding too fake. I asked if he knew which teacher he got and he said no. I told him and he said, "Man, she's the mean one!" I said, "She's only mean if you make her." I let him know the first kid in his class was his friend. Drennen was happy he was in there because the other kids weren't nice to his friend and he was happy they were together. At this point, I lied. I lied and told him that they had done that on purpose. I told him that they knew he was a good friend to this boy and they wanted to make sure they were together. I then named off the other boys. One he was thrilled over, one he could take or leave and the other he didn't know. And then.... I waited.
I waited for the reality to wash over him as he realized that none of the rest of his group would be with him. After awhile, when he still hadn't mentioned them, I finally did. I said, "So, do you realize that this means your other friends got into the other class?" He said, "Oh, yeah, but I'll see them at lunch and at recess." That was it. There was no pain in his eyes. There was no tears streaming down his face. Doubting Thomas couldn't let it rest yet, though. "Are you sure you are good? I was kind of worried. I didn't know if I should try and change it or fix it?" "Mom! I'm fine. Seriously. I can see them a lot."
I couldn't stay another second. The tears that had threatened all day just wouldn't be held another minute.
I knew I needed to go back down to the office and cancel the switch. But I just couldn't. I had to get out of there.
I all but ran to my truck and slammed the door shut. And there I just let dam break.
Sometimes in life we expect too much out of our children. I am the top on the GUILTY list. I was raised to have perfect grades, to excel in extra curricular activities, and to be perfection. And it's almost impossible not to expect the same out of my children.
But, then there are days, like today, when we don't expect enough.
I sit here now knowing that God put him in the class he was intended to be in. He knows the plans he has for him. He knows the plans he has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future.
Only God could've changed the heart of my son today. I'm not saying this year will be a breeze, because I'm not stupid. But, I saw hope today..... I saw hope.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I'm still here....Old Drafts that were never published
Hey there....It's been almost a month since I wrote. Obviously I can use the excuse that is never doubted...."I have two year old twins." Kurt says I can't keep using that. I say I get until they are atleast 18; maybe even through college.
Without a doubt, October is always the busiest month of our year. It's College football season and we go to lots of games. It is also our anniversary and Halloween. All of that coupled together leaves us with no weekends. And this October, I found myself out of the house 3 nights a week for various meetings and such. Now that we are in November, I thought I'd catch a tiny little break, but so far that's just wishfull thinking.
I'm on our Personnell Committee at church this year. And we are in budget season, so as you can imagine that takes a lot of time, prayer, time and prayer!! To put it in perspective, our last meeting was 4 hours long. It's a hard committee to be on, but I know that I'm right where I need to be.
This morning, I caught a little break and decided to dust off my bible. HA! Truly, it's only been a week since I last opened it, but a week seems like an eternity when you live it without God. Of course, I haven't been completely without him. I've found myself in prayer a lot this week. A lot. There are a lot of decisions that have to be made in my life right now. They seem like they are all around me. And as I was sitting here writing this and thinking about it all, this song popped into my head. I think you need to hear the lyrics.
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....
You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life.
I don't feel like there need to be any words after this. May God bless you this week!
Without a doubt, October is always the busiest month of our year. It's College football season and we go to lots of games. It is also our anniversary and Halloween. All of that coupled together leaves us with no weekends. And this October, I found myself out of the house 3 nights a week for various meetings and such. Now that we are in November, I thought I'd catch a tiny little break, but so far that's just wishfull thinking.
I'm on our Personnell Committee at church this year. And we are in budget season, so as you can imagine that takes a lot of time, prayer, time and prayer!! To put it in perspective, our last meeting was 4 hours long. It's a hard committee to be on, but I know that I'm right where I need to be.
This morning, I caught a little break and decided to dust off my bible. HA! Truly, it's only been a week since I last opened it, but a week seems like an eternity when you live it without God. Of course, I haven't been completely without him. I've found myself in prayer a lot this week. A lot. There are a lot of decisions that have to be made in my life right now. They seem like they are all around me. And as I was sitting here writing this and thinking about it all, this song popped into my head. I think you need to hear the lyrics.
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....
You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life.
I don't feel like there need to be any words after this. May God bless you this week!
Broken Hearted Randomness
There are times I am too loud. There are times I am too bold. There are times I say what I think before I think about what I am saying. There are days I wear my heart on my sleeve, but most days it may appear that I simply just have a heart made of stone and on rare days; no heart at all. I could sit here all day and name you my flaws. They far out number the good in me at times. I have tried to live a life with as few regrets and apologies as one person should have. But, who's to say how many a person should or shouldn't have?
I have many regrets in my life. But, I choose to look at them as experiences that I learned lessons from. Sometimes those lessons cost me more than I could have ever imagined or thought possible, but to walk away from them without having learned anything would truly be the biggest mistake of all.
You can say a lot of negative things about me and I won't disagree with much. But, you can never say that I don't love with all of myself. You can never say that my loyalty was lacking. You can never say that my family isn't my everything. Yes, you can look back on a time where they didn't matter as much to me, but in the end you will find that I didn't mean anything to ME. And when you don't love yourself, it's almost impossible to love others. And what a wicked twist of the knife to know that the lack of love for ones self looks just like complete selfishness to the outside looking in.
You can never say that I was high maintenance. If I have ever wanted something in life, I have worked, prayed, climbed, clawed, and done whatever it took to get it myself. It will be no one's claim but my own and the good Lord who has blessed it upon me for all that I have. I was raised with a strong work ethic. It's what I pride myself on. It's a foundation on which I build myself and what I judge others on. While, I know we shouldn't judge, we all do it anyway. At least I'm picking something that the world surely should be held accountable and judged for.
You can never say that I didn't defend what I believe in. You will always know where you stand with me. You may not like it. I may not like it. But, there is a peace, still, in the knowing. To take for granted the loyalty that I so freely give will not end well. And it doesn't just end badly for others, it cuts me too. I don't think people get that. When I have to cut out an entire chunk from my life and from my heart, the stone persona that has walked before me fails me. It fails me on the outside. It allows others to think that I don't care. It allows others to think that I wasn't even phased. But, once again, I hear my father. I hear him saying, "Get back on the saddle. If you don't now, you never will." And so there I am, with a foot in a stirrup swinging myself around. It's automatic. It's almost robotic. Some call it strength. I call it being.
And while I'm up there and I appear to have it all together, leading this horse home, but not letting her run...I can let the wind carry off the few tears that threaten to escape me.
If I am shaken, it will be momentarily. If I fall off, you can always place your money on me getting back up. It will always happen. It is not a choice. It is not about pride. It is not about strength. It is simply me.
x
So, I walked away.
And while the wind may have caught a tear or two, may you find comfort in knowing.... that mare is resting, peacefully, after a long hard ride.
I have many regrets in my life. But, I choose to look at them as experiences that I learned lessons from. Sometimes those lessons cost me more than I could have ever imagined or thought possible, but to walk away from them without having learned anything would truly be the biggest mistake of all.
You can say a lot of negative things about me and I won't disagree with much. But, you can never say that I don't love with all of myself. You can never say that my loyalty was lacking. You can never say that my family isn't my everything. Yes, you can look back on a time where they didn't matter as much to me, but in the end you will find that I didn't mean anything to ME. And when you don't love yourself, it's almost impossible to love others. And what a wicked twist of the knife to know that the lack of love for ones self looks just like complete selfishness to the outside looking in.
You can never say that I was high maintenance. If I have ever wanted something in life, I have worked, prayed, climbed, clawed, and done whatever it took to get it myself. It will be no one's claim but my own and the good Lord who has blessed it upon me for all that I have. I was raised with a strong work ethic. It's what I pride myself on. It's a foundation on which I build myself and what I judge others on. While, I know we shouldn't judge, we all do it anyway. At least I'm picking something that the world surely should be held accountable and judged for.
You can never say that I didn't defend what I believe in. You will always know where you stand with me. You may not like it. I may not like it. But, there is a peace, still, in the knowing. To take for granted the loyalty that I so freely give will not end well. And it doesn't just end badly for others, it cuts me too. I don't think people get that. When I have to cut out an entire chunk from my life and from my heart, the stone persona that has walked before me fails me. It fails me on the outside. It allows others to think that I don't care. It allows others to think that I wasn't even phased. But, once again, I hear my father. I hear him saying, "Get back on the saddle. If you don't now, you never will." And so there I am, with a foot in a stirrup swinging myself around. It's automatic. It's almost robotic. Some call it strength. I call it being.
And while I'm up there and I appear to have it all together, leading this horse home, but not letting her run...I can let the wind carry off the few tears that threaten to escape me.
If I am shaken, it will be momentarily. If I fall off, you can always place your money on me getting back up. It will always happen. It is not a choice. It is not about pride. It is not about strength. It is simply me.
x
So, I walked away.
And while the wind may have caught a tear or two, may you find comfort in knowing.... that mare is resting, peacefully, after a long hard ride.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Drafts that were Never Posted.
We are gonna just pretend it hasn't been 7 months since I last blogged. I will sum it up with a one word excuse and we will move on. Twins. :)
......
I am having one of those weeks. The emotional breakdown kind. I'm pretty sure tonight's tears were caused in large part due to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy season finales. My gosh, they have amazing writers. I am also sitting in my pajamas in the dark crying due to the fact that my son informed me that in one week he will be a 4th grader. And to cap it off, Harper asked me today if we were still gonna have a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party. For them! In two months!! Because my babies are going to be 3. I can't take it.
There truly have been a lot of factors and stresses going on this week. We are making HUGE decisions in our lives and it's got us all a little rattled. Hopefully most of these decisions will lead us to greater things.
Perhaps one of the main reasons that my heart is crying is the fact that one of my best friends in the whole world is getting married this weekend. A really long chapter of my life is coming to an end. I guess to be fair it ended a long time ago. But you just can't help but think of it all when they are getting ready to walk down the aisle. I wish I was going to be there. And yet, I'm not sure I could get far enough away. It's kind of one of those situations where you know when the preacher asks "Is there anyone hear who can give a reason why these two shouldn't be wed? Speak now or forever hold you peace," that you don't trust yourself to hold it. The peace that is. And what a stupid phrase. If you were even considering speaking your reasons for two people not to get married, then how can you hold on to that and call it peace?? I know there are people who sit there in that pew and think, 'God please make me a mute until this wedding ends.' And then in the same thought process, 'God I hope there's and open bar.' I've never been there until now. And that's why I won't be attending. Well that and the fact that I wasn't invited. HA! That may factor in just a bit.
I just wonder if there are situations that you just never fully get over. Ones where no matter how much time passes, and no matter how happy you have become, you still can't see a picture or hear a song without wanting to crumble and hide under a rock in the fetal position. Thank goodness the band I can't listen to ISN'T Rascall Flats! That would be just to much to bare. And it's not that I can't listen to it. It's just that songs tie you to a specific place in time. And sometimes that place is a good one, and in my case it's a great one. The problem isn't that past place in time. It's the present. It hurts in the present because you can't go back to the past. You can't relive those days and years. You can't change the decisions that were made, the things that were said, and more importantly; the things that weren't. And the irony of it all is that I wouldn't want anything to change! That makes no sense I'm sure. But once you've had some time to recover and step away from situations you are able to see that things happened exactly the way there were supposed to. And, yes, there are times you still want to cry and scream and punch a wall, but you still know that you are right where you need to be. And where you want to be.
So here's my peace. It's a broken, distorted view of peace, but here it is anyway. If I were there to be the best man or the maid of honor here is what I would say:
You have been a part of my life when my life was in a million parts. You held my hand, caught my tears and said more in your silence than one could ever voice. For all of these years I have waited and watched as you searched for the missing piece to your puzzle. The thing about puzzles is that a piece can seem so perfect when you hold it up, and yet when you try to link it together, your realize it's just a tiny bit off. And it's not until you find that exact fit that your puzzle can be complete. So on this day, as you link your piece with another, I pray that you never see the edges again. I pray that you always stay one person. I pray that on your darkest days and through your hardest trials, that you look up and remember who brought you to each other. All I have ever wanted for you is happiness and I am SO glad that you have found it. May you look back on your life and know that every tear, laugh, and step you took led you to this very moment. And that in this moment you can say, "Man, it was worth it."
......
I am having one of those weeks. The emotional breakdown kind. I'm pretty sure tonight's tears were caused in large part due to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy season finales. My gosh, they have amazing writers. I am also sitting in my pajamas in the dark crying due to the fact that my son informed me that in one week he will be a 4th grader. And to cap it off, Harper asked me today if we were still gonna have a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party. For them! In two months!! Because my babies are going to be 3. I can't take it.
There truly have been a lot of factors and stresses going on this week. We are making HUGE decisions in our lives and it's got us all a little rattled. Hopefully most of these decisions will lead us to greater things.
Perhaps one of the main reasons that my heart is crying is the fact that one of my best friends in the whole world is getting married this weekend. A really long chapter of my life is coming to an end. I guess to be fair it ended a long time ago. But you just can't help but think of it all when they are getting ready to walk down the aisle. I wish I was going to be there. And yet, I'm not sure I could get far enough away. It's kind of one of those situations where you know when the preacher asks "Is there anyone hear who can give a reason why these two shouldn't be wed? Speak now or forever hold you peace," that you don't trust yourself to hold it. The peace that is. And what a stupid phrase. If you were even considering speaking your reasons for two people not to get married, then how can you hold on to that and call it peace?? I know there are people who sit there in that pew and think, 'God please make me a mute until this wedding ends.' And then in the same thought process, 'God I hope there's and open bar.' I've never been there until now. And that's why I won't be attending. Well that and the fact that I wasn't invited. HA! That may factor in just a bit.
I just wonder if there are situations that you just never fully get over. Ones where no matter how much time passes, and no matter how happy you have become, you still can't see a picture or hear a song without wanting to crumble and hide under a rock in the fetal position. Thank goodness the band I can't listen to ISN'T Rascall Flats! That would be just to much to bare. And it's not that I can't listen to it. It's just that songs tie you to a specific place in time. And sometimes that place is a good one, and in my case it's a great one. The problem isn't that past place in time. It's the present. It hurts in the present because you can't go back to the past. You can't relive those days and years. You can't change the decisions that were made, the things that were said, and more importantly; the things that weren't. And the irony of it all is that I wouldn't want anything to change! That makes no sense I'm sure. But once you've had some time to recover and step away from situations you are able to see that things happened exactly the way there were supposed to. And, yes, there are times you still want to cry and scream and punch a wall, but you still know that you are right where you need to be. And where you want to be.
So here's my peace. It's a broken, distorted view of peace, but here it is anyway. If I were there to be the best man or the maid of honor here is what I would say:
You have been a part of my life when my life was in a million parts. You held my hand, caught my tears and said more in your silence than one could ever voice. For all of these years I have waited and watched as you searched for the missing piece to your puzzle. The thing about puzzles is that a piece can seem so perfect when you hold it up, and yet when you try to link it together, your realize it's just a tiny bit off. And it's not until you find that exact fit that your puzzle can be complete. So on this day, as you link your piece with another, I pray that you never see the edges again. I pray that you always stay one person. I pray that on your darkest days and through your hardest trials, that you look up and remember who brought you to each other. All I have ever wanted for you is happiness and I am SO glad that you have found it. May you look back on your life and know that every tear, laugh, and step you took led you to this very moment. And that in this moment you can say, "Man, it was worth it."
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Back in it...
It feels like I am a month behind in my blogging. Oh wait...that's because I am!
I have so much to tell.
In the beginning of October I took over a business for a friend. I am now a representative for Miche Handbags. It has been a wonderful experience so far, and I have been so busy with it. Now I know why Sarah had to pass it on to someone else.
I have spent most weekends forming new relationships and new friendships. It's exciting to begin new chapters and I never expected it to go so well. Then again, I'm a people person and get along with most. This is not to say that I have completely wiped out the ya-yas. Yes, our group as a whole is no longer together, however, I have maintained friendships with most. I know that my previous blog made it sound like I wrote them all off. It's still very awkward for me as I have said before, I was so dependant on some of them and dependent on our "family" type friendship. I love them all dearly, and I think I just look at the whole situation differently. It's a positive difference.
I continue to see my shrink on a biweekly basis. The meds are working!!! I totally feel like I am leading a more even tempered life. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it all happened at this time in my life. I know that God saw the events that I have delt with in the last couple of months and knew that I needed to be a little more mentally sane before I had to deal with them.
I have been toying with the idea of starting a Bipolar/Mental Disorder awareness/support group in our area. That's basically as far as I've gotten in that it's still rattling around in my head. It's just so important to me that others understand this. I mean, you can only understand up to a certain point. If you don't have a mental disorder, you can't possibly 100% grasp the extent of it.
My children are great. It feels like on of the three are almost always sick, but I think that comes with the territory. Harper has now joined Bayler in the walking adventure, and so I spend my nights and weekends literally running after them. Whew...you wanna stay skinny. Have twin 15 month olds running around you!
I think this about catches you up to present day. I am busy with work, and looking forward to the holiday season here at the studio and at home. Thanksgiving in my favorite holiday and I can't wait to spend it with our family!
That's it for now. Catch you on the flip side.
I have so much to tell.
In the beginning of October I took over a business for a friend. I am now a representative for Miche Handbags. It has been a wonderful experience so far, and I have been so busy with it. Now I know why Sarah had to pass it on to someone else.
I have spent most weekends forming new relationships and new friendships. It's exciting to begin new chapters and I never expected it to go so well. Then again, I'm a people person and get along with most. This is not to say that I have completely wiped out the ya-yas. Yes, our group as a whole is no longer together, however, I have maintained friendships with most. I know that my previous blog made it sound like I wrote them all off. It's still very awkward for me as I have said before, I was so dependant on some of them and dependent on our "family" type friendship. I love them all dearly, and I think I just look at the whole situation differently. It's a positive difference.
I continue to see my shrink on a biweekly basis. The meds are working!!! I totally feel like I am leading a more even tempered life. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it all happened at this time in my life. I know that God saw the events that I have delt with in the last couple of months and knew that I needed to be a little more mentally sane before I had to deal with them.
I have been toying with the idea of starting a Bipolar/Mental Disorder awareness/support group in our area. That's basically as far as I've gotten in that it's still rattling around in my head. It's just so important to me that others understand this. I mean, you can only understand up to a certain point. If you don't have a mental disorder, you can't possibly 100% grasp the extent of it.
My children are great. It feels like on of the three are almost always sick, but I think that comes with the territory. Harper has now joined Bayler in the walking adventure, and so I spend my nights and weekends literally running after them. Whew...you wanna stay skinny. Have twin 15 month olds running around you!
I think this about catches you up to present day. I am busy with work, and looking forward to the holiday season here at the studio and at home. Thanksgiving in my favorite holiday and I can't wait to spend it with our family!
That's it for now. Catch you on the flip side.
Friday, November 5, 2010
It's been too long...
Wow, over a month since I last posted. Can't believe that. You seriously can't imagine how busy October was for me. INSANE!
I reread my last post to see where I left off. It was kind of a sad note. I wish I could say that October got better. The first part was truly rough. I said so long to another good friend. One of my best friends, actually. It hurt a lot. It still does. I think about him daily. But I know that my decision to walk away was the right one, for sooooo many reasons.
The ya-ya's are no more. Any chance I thought we had at mending it all has diminished for me. And to tell you the truth, I think it was all for the best. I keep looking back to my Divine Intervention blog. Losing your closest friends is defintely a life interruption. But throughout the last month, God has shown me the Intervention that he needed me to see.
But not all is lost...I have started some really great friendships with some really great people. It's refreshing and nice. And most of all, there hasn't been drama. Cross our fingers! I hate change. Absolutely hate it. But this is one time that the change was so GOOD!
There's so much more to tell, but it's holiday season here at the studio! And as you can imagine, we are SWAMPED!
Ta ta for now.
I reread my last post to see where I left off. It was kind of a sad note. I wish I could say that October got better. The first part was truly rough. I said so long to another good friend. One of my best friends, actually. It hurt a lot. It still does. I think about him daily. But I know that my decision to walk away was the right one, for sooooo many reasons.
The ya-ya's are no more. Any chance I thought we had at mending it all has diminished for me. And to tell you the truth, I think it was all for the best. I keep looking back to my Divine Intervention blog. Losing your closest friends is defintely a life interruption. But throughout the last month, God has shown me the Intervention that he needed me to see.
But not all is lost...I have started some really great friendships with some really great people. It's refreshing and nice. And most of all, there hasn't been drama. Cross our fingers! I hate change. Absolutely hate it. But this is one time that the change was so GOOD!
There's so much more to tell, but it's holiday season here at the studio! And as you can imagine, we are SWAMPED!
Ta ta for now.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
blah
I am exhausted today. Truth be told, I have been exhausted for awhile. My mind is tired, my emotions are shot, and I'm physically running on fumes.
It was a rough weekend. Headed to Oklahoma at 4am on Saturday to go to my Grandpa's funeral. I thought I had been pretty accepting of his death, as he's older, and we knew it was coming. But as I sat in the church, I realized we were saying goodbye to the second half of our family's core. Granny passed already.
I walked through a house that so many of my best memories were made. Sitting in that kitchen chair staring out the window while granny made us french toast and her secret orange juice. We were older when we figured out it was just Bright an Early oj, with a scoop of tang in it. Still, it was special to us. I loved our summers spent there learning to cross stitch. Learning to cook. Hearing the stories of years past. That's what happens when you have a 95 year old grandpa. You get to hear the good stuff.
I did something I never do. I actually viewed the body lying in the casket. I just had to see the face one last time of the man who started this amazing legacy that we call our family.
The service was beautiful. One of the greatest sermons ever preached probably. It's easy to talk when you know without a doubt that the man you are remembering is dancing with Jesus as you talk.
We left the next morning early and headed to Oklahoma City as my grandmother had been taken there the night before with heart issues. Talk about a crazy weekend. My mom has been put through the ringer. We are all just tired.
I just wanna break down. I try and look at this sweet little picture on my desk reminding me how fragile life truly is. I feel bad complaining knowing what others have gone through, but I can't help it. Part of my family is broken. Part of my core is shaken. And it really never will be the same.
I have no point to this blog. I'm getting a bit numb to the events that have happened in the last month. I pray for the person who is left holding the grenade that is me when I finally do have a breakdown. It will happen. Just not sure how or when.
It was a rough weekend. Headed to Oklahoma at 4am on Saturday to go to my Grandpa's funeral. I thought I had been pretty accepting of his death, as he's older, and we knew it was coming. But as I sat in the church, I realized we were saying goodbye to the second half of our family's core. Granny passed already.
I walked through a house that so many of my best memories were made. Sitting in that kitchen chair staring out the window while granny made us french toast and her secret orange juice. We were older when we figured out it was just Bright an Early oj, with a scoop of tang in it. Still, it was special to us. I loved our summers spent there learning to cross stitch. Learning to cook. Hearing the stories of years past. That's what happens when you have a 95 year old grandpa. You get to hear the good stuff.
I did something I never do. I actually viewed the body lying in the casket. I just had to see the face one last time of the man who started this amazing legacy that we call our family.
The service was beautiful. One of the greatest sermons ever preached probably. It's easy to talk when you know without a doubt that the man you are remembering is dancing with Jesus as you talk.
We left the next morning early and headed to Oklahoma City as my grandmother had been taken there the night before with heart issues. Talk about a crazy weekend. My mom has been put through the ringer. We are all just tired.
I just wanna break down. I try and look at this sweet little picture on my desk reminding me how fragile life truly is. I feel bad complaining knowing what others have gone through, but I can't help it. Part of my family is broken. Part of my core is shaken. And it really never will be the same.
I have no point to this blog. I'm getting a bit numb to the events that have happened in the last month. I pray for the person who is left holding the grenade that is me when I finally do have a breakdown. It will happen. Just not sure how or when.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Testing my patience...
I have been blessed in my life. Probably more than I deserve. God has given me more blessings than I can count. One thing he skipped was PATIENCE. I mean, he didn't even give me a little. I'm not sure if he ran out that day or what.
Yesterday I had to take Bayler to the doctor. She has been running what they call "cycle fevers". She basically runs a fever every 10 days or so with no other symptoms.
I brought it up last time we were in the doctors office with Harper. I figure I might as well get my money's worth out of each visit! I was told to bring her whenever I had a free moment. Come straight to the lab to get a CBC and a chest x-ray. There would be no wait because it's the lab. On the way home that day, they called me to say that the doctor would actually like to see her the day I came in for labs. So I schedule an appointment.
Yesterday, I took her in. I actually took her, Harper and Kurt. The plan was to hit the lab, take the kids to daycare, and head to work. HAHAHAHAHA! This is me we are talking about. I mean, I asked myself last night if I honestly thought it was going to go as planned. Stupidly, I did.
We get to the doctors office at 8am. We signed in and took our seats in the flu, cough, and cold infested waiting room. 20 minutes go by. 30 minutes go by. 35...40. My girls are getting restless. They are tired, they are cranky, and they don't wanna be there any longer. I actually kind of wanted one of them to start screaming in hopes that it would annoy the nurses and we would get in a little quicker!
After 45 minutes of waiting, I walk up front. I tell the receptionist in the sweetest voice I could possibly muster up, "Ma'am, we were here for labs and told there would be no waiting". She replies with a slimy little smirk on her face, "We understand. We are very busy today and we are waiting to get your paperwork so we can send it to the lab". What? My paperwork isn't even to the lab and I've been here 45 minutes? I wanna slap her, but resist the urge, and calmly take my seat.
Another 15 minutes goes by and I ask the lab if they have receive my paperwork. Yes, yes they have! Great! (again, this is me.) "It's gonna be awhile before we can get to you, as we have regularly scheduled patients in front of you". Hmmmm...Do I slap her in the face right then and there, do I calmly walk away, or do I break down and cry? So many choices. I opt for option #4. "There must be some mistake. I was told there would be NO WAIT, and I have been here for over and hour with 2 cranky kids. So, I don't care who you have to beg, borrow, or steal from, you are gonna get to my daughter in the next 10 minutes, or you are gonna need to call my shrink because I'm thinking the fuse at the end of my firecracker isn't gonna hold any longer than that!!!"
As I sit back down, I tell Kurt he should probably go ahead and take Harper on to daycare. Who knows when we will get in. As they leave, Bayler starts screaming because she's her daddy's girl and he has left her. Whadda ya know? They have called my name. GREAAAAAT! I love that I will get to be the one to hold her down for x-rays and needle pokes when she is already screaming for her daddy!
I won't go in to detail about how HORRIFIC that whole process went. I will say that they were so kind as to go ahead and give me my results then instead of having me come to my actual appointment at 1:45. I'm not sure if she did it out of the kindness of her heart or because I said to her..."You will find someone to read me these results right now. I WILL NOT be coming back in a few hours just to wait another 2. I also WILL NOT leave here until I get those results and if one more person tells me that someone is ahead of me, I am gonna go postal!" And you know what's weird? She got us right in!!! Funny how that works, huh?
Long story longer...She is anemic, and has a low white blood cell count. They are gonna hit her with some iron and a strong dose of antibiotics to make sure there is no underlying infection hanging around. We will retest when she has finished the antibiotic.
And you know what? I get the feeling that I'm gonna get right in this time. :)
Yesterday I had to take Bayler to the doctor. She has been running what they call "cycle fevers". She basically runs a fever every 10 days or so with no other symptoms.
I brought it up last time we were in the doctors office with Harper. I figure I might as well get my money's worth out of each visit! I was told to bring her whenever I had a free moment. Come straight to the lab to get a CBC and a chest x-ray. There would be no wait because it's the lab. On the way home that day, they called me to say that the doctor would actually like to see her the day I came in for labs. So I schedule an appointment.
Yesterday, I took her in. I actually took her, Harper and Kurt. The plan was to hit the lab, take the kids to daycare, and head to work. HAHAHAHAHA! This is me we are talking about. I mean, I asked myself last night if I honestly thought it was going to go as planned. Stupidly, I did.
We get to the doctors office at 8am. We signed in and took our seats in the flu, cough, and cold infested waiting room. 20 minutes go by. 30 minutes go by. 35...40. My girls are getting restless. They are tired, they are cranky, and they don't wanna be there any longer. I actually kind of wanted one of them to start screaming in hopes that it would annoy the nurses and we would get in a little quicker!
After 45 minutes of waiting, I walk up front. I tell the receptionist in the sweetest voice I could possibly muster up, "Ma'am, we were here for labs and told there would be no waiting". She replies with a slimy little smirk on her face, "We understand. We are very busy today and we are waiting to get your paperwork so we can send it to the lab". What? My paperwork isn't even to the lab and I've been here 45 minutes? I wanna slap her, but resist the urge, and calmly take my seat.
Another 15 minutes goes by and I ask the lab if they have receive my paperwork. Yes, yes they have! Great! (again, this is me.) "It's gonna be awhile before we can get to you, as we have regularly scheduled patients in front of you". Hmmmm...Do I slap her in the face right then and there, do I calmly walk away, or do I break down and cry? So many choices. I opt for option #4. "There must be some mistake. I was told there would be NO WAIT, and I have been here for over and hour with 2 cranky kids. So, I don't care who you have to beg, borrow, or steal from, you are gonna get to my daughter in the next 10 minutes, or you are gonna need to call my shrink because I'm thinking the fuse at the end of my firecracker isn't gonna hold any longer than that!!!"
As I sit back down, I tell Kurt he should probably go ahead and take Harper on to daycare. Who knows when we will get in. As they leave, Bayler starts screaming because she's her daddy's girl and he has left her. Whadda ya know? They have called my name. GREAAAAAT! I love that I will get to be the one to hold her down for x-rays and needle pokes when she is already screaming for her daddy!
I won't go in to detail about how HORRIFIC that whole process went. I will say that they were so kind as to go ahead and give me my results then instead of having me come to my actual appointment at 1:45. I'm not sure if she did it out of the kindness of her heart or because I said to her..."You will find someone to read me these results right now. I WILL NOT be coming back in a few hours just to wait another 2. I also WILL NOT leave here until I get those results and if one more person tells me that someone is ahead of me, I am gonna go postal!" And you know what's weird? She got us right in!!! Funny how that works, huh?
Long story longer...She is anemic, and has a low white blood cell count. They are gonna hit her with some iron and a strong dose of antibiotics to make sure there is no underlying infection hanging around. We will retest when she has finished the antibiotic.
And you know what? I get the feeling that I'm gonna get right in this time. :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Words I need to say.
So, I get a phone call last night. A friend of a friend is going through some rough times and is kind of in the same bipolar boat that I am paddling in. Man, I don't know this person, I have never met them, talked to them, or heard anything about them. But you know what? If someone is the same situation as me, then you can bet your butt that I'm gonna be there.
Why? First and foremost, when you are Bipolar, manic-depressive, depressed, or any other kind of mental disorder, YOU FEEL ALONE! Partly because you are, and mostly because you go along with the mentality that society has created and you keep to yourself. You wouldn't want anyone to catch it!
Secondly, most people DO NOT get it! They do not understand what you are going through! You can talk to your friends until you are blue in the face, but if they have not walked your path, they CAN NOT understand. Not even slightly.
If you haven't stayed up for 120 hours straight, you don't get it.
If you haven't eaten for days on end because your mental side has effected your physical abilities, you don't get it.
If you haven't gotten out of bed for days because you simply can not do it, you don't get it.
If you have never thought about life without you in it, you don't get it.
If you can't keep a job because of your anxiety and inability to focus, you don't get it.
If you can't get through a single thought process because your thoughts race through your mind like a Kentucky Derby, you don't get it.
If you have never felt like no one can possibly know what you are going through, you don't get it.
If you have never been so enraged that you have blacked out, you don't get it.
If you have never felt like you could fly in one second, and then feel like you are in hell the next, you don't get it.
And if you have never gone through this, THEN YOU DON'T GET TO JUDGE!
Yes, you can tell your friends and they can pray for you, talk to you, listen to you, but they will never fully understand the day to day struggles that you face. You MUST, and I repeat, YOU MUST GET HELP! No one can change this for you, but you. And you can not do this alone. This is like having asthma. It's not gonna go away because you will it to. When you are attacked, you need an inhaler. It's the same with mental disorders. You need medicine. You need a professional.
Mental disorders can control your life. They can ruin your life. DO NOT LET THEM.
I have walked this path a VERY long time. I know what it can do. And I know what it can't. I am not alone. I am not the only one who goes through this, but it took almost 10 years before I met someone who was willing to admit that they were paddling in the same boat I am. Break your silence. Do not be ashamed. It is not your fault, and if you don't allow it to control you, then it will not! Is it hard? HELL YES it's hard. It's a daily event to sit there and take a pill. It's a mental struggle to feel like you have to take a pill to be normal. That's hard.
But you know what? It's worth it. You wanna know how I know? Come spend the day with me.
Why? First and foremost, when you are Bipolar, manic-depressive, depressed, or any other kind of mental disorder, YOU FEEL ALONE! Partly because you are, and mostly because you go along with the mentality that society has created and you keep to yourself. You wouldn't want anyone to catch it!
Secondly, most people DO NOT get it! They do not understand what you are going through! You can talk to your friends until you are blue in the face, but if they have not walked your path, they CAN NOT understand. Not even slightly.
If you haven't stayed up for 120 hours straight, you don't get it.
If you haven't eaten for days on end because your mental side has effected your physical abilities, you don't get it.
If you haven't gotten out of bed for days because you simply can not do it, you don't get it.
If you have never thought about life without you in it, you don't get it.
If you can't keep a job because of your anxiety and inability to focus, you don't get it.
If you can't get through a single thought process because your thoughts race through your mind like a Kentucky Derby, you don't get it.
If you have never felt like no one can possibly know what you are going through, you don't get it.
If you have never been so enraged that you have blacked out, you don't get it.
If you have never felt like you could fly in one second, and then feel like you are in hell the next, you don't get it.
And if you have never gone through this, THEN YOU DON'T GET TO JUDGE!
Yes, you can tell your friends and they can pray for you, talk to you, listen to you, but they will never fully understand the day to day struggles that you face. You MUST, and I repeat, YOU MUST GET HELP! No one can change this for you, but you. And you can not do this alone. This is like having asthma. It's not gonna go away because you will it to. When you are attacked, you need an inhaler. It's the same with mental disorders. You need medicine. You need a professional.
Mental disorders can control your life. They can ruin your life. DO NOT LET THEM.
I have walked this path a VERY long time. I know what it can do. And I know what it can't. I am not alone. I am not the only one who goes through this, but it took almost 10 years before I met someone who was willing to admit that they were paddling in the same boat I am. Break your silence. Do not be ashamed. It is not your fault, and if you don't allow it to control you, then it will not! Is it hard? HELL YES it's hard. It's a daily event to sit there and take a pill. It's a mental struggle to feel like you have to take a pill to be normal. That's hard.
But you know what? It's worth it. You wanna know how I know? Come spend the day with me.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Little Sponges
Everyone knows that kids are smarter than you think. They soak up absolutely EVERYTHING they see and hear. Sometimes this is a great thing. And....sometimes it's not.
Last night I had a free second between church and church, (yeah I said that right), to spend a couple minutes with the kids. The girls were just playing along happy as could be. I made the comment about how hot I was, because I just ran 3 miles. Bayler walked over to me and started blowing. What a smart little cookie. She blew on me like I was her food. Sweet little thing.
All of a sudden, Harper hit Bayler with the TV remote. I yelled "no-no", and both kids turned. I forget that I have to clarify which child I'm speaking too, especially since both girls seem to associate NO with Bayler. Because 99% of the time, she is the one who it's directed to. So, I said it again, "NO Harper". As soon as Bayler realized it was Harper that was getting in trouble, she walked over to her, swatted her hand and said "NO". I couldn't believe it. She knows that when it's big trouble, there is a swat on the hand and a loud NO to follow! Part of me wanted to laugh, and part of me wanted to get on to her. Of course, laughter won out.
As I watched them play a little bit longer, I laid down for a brief second on the living room floor. The next thing I know, Bayler has sunken her teeth into my knee! I yelped and let out a SERIOUS NO! Bayler knew immediately that I wasn't playing. She walked straight up to me, making kissing noises the whole way. She reached me and kissed me on the lips! SHE KNOWS! She knew that she was in big trouble and she played the "I'm so sweet, and I'm gonna kiss you now to keep me from getting into more trouble." Of course, this worked. How do you spank a child that just kissed you. Please keep in mind this little devil is 13 months old! I am shocked that she has learned such sophisticated charm skills at such a young age. Definitely her mothers' child.
A few more minutes go by and Harper starts to cry. I look down and see teeth marks and a guilty looking Bayler staring back at me. This time I'm aggravated. I bite her back and say no. She just looked at me like I was mental. I think she either thought, 'Are you seriously biting me right now'? or 'Is that all you've got'? It didn't phase her nonetheless. Kurt just laughed and laughed as all this happened in about a 5 minute time frame. He said, "obviously the spanking and biting isn't working". Really Kurt? Thank you for that observation.
It wasn't 2 minutes later, as Kurt was watching something stupid on the History channel, when Bayler bit him on the leg. Well what did he do? He spanked her butt hard. He was hot. Apparently it's a bigger deal when it's you that has been bitten.
Bayler started bawling. More than anything, she couldn't believe that her daddy had spanked her. She is 100% a daddy's girl. 100%. She cried all of 3 seconds and then just stared at Kurt. If looks could kill, I'd be picking out a coffin today. She crawled away from him and just stared. When he came close to her, she scooted away. When he tried talking to her, she started crying again. Now, talk about comical. I couldn't do anything but laugh. It's a little different when the shoes on the other foot, isn't it?
I headed off to church with a little bit of sarcasm in my step. I know that's hard to believe. But it's true. When I came home that evening, she was asleep with daddy. Hmmm...guess someone felt a little guilty.
Moral of this little tale. Your kids watch you. They pick up things that you can not believe. You are teaching them the ways of the world long before you even know. I, personally am guilty of saying, 'well, when they learn to talk, I'll stop saying that or this'. NEWSFLASH...that time is now. Just because they can't put all the syllables together doesn't mean they aren't getting the meaning behind your words. We are examples. We are gonna be gone one day and these children will be raising their children with the same morals, beliefs and values that they were taught, but more importantly; that they SAW!
What kind of example are you?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Don't sweat the small stuff...
So...
I didn't freak out when Drennen came home Sunday night with NO homework done while he had been at his fathers and he had to stay up until 9:30 on a school night to finish it. The old Whitney would have driven over to his fathers house and knocked on the door and said "Seriously? You wanna take a child away from me because I'm unstable, mental, suicidal, and incapable of raising Drennen when you can't even do 6 pages of homework every 2 weeks? Why don't you just go ahead and add homicidal to that list."
I didn't freak out when my phone died sometime in the night, therefore causing me to oversleep, making myself and Drennen VERY late today. The old Whitney would have thrown the blackberry across the room cursing as she went into a frantic fit.
I didn't freak out (much) when a stupid driver treated a stop light as a stop sign and nearly t-boned me this morning. The old Whitney would have honked her horn, flipped the birdie, and screamed that old people need to have their licenses' removed because they are all idiots! Along with some foul language.
I didn't freak out when I got to work and all the construction prevented me from parking anywhere within a 5 mile radius of work. The old Whitney would have walked right up to one of the construction guys that were standing around doing absolutely nothing and asked him what in the hell did he think he was doing standing there and when is this gonna be done, because it's absolutely ridiculous that it's so behind and what they "have completed" looks like total crap.
I didn't freak out when I got a hateful voicemail from the doctors office demanding a payment that I had made 3 days prior. The old Whitney would have called her back, told her that maybe she needed to get her facts straight before she calls and leaves a hateful voicemail like that on MY voicemail. I might even add a, who do you think you are in there.
AND, I didn't freak out when I called my lunch in a half hour ahead of picking it up and it wasn't even started when I got there. The old Whitney would have said "Are you freaking kidding me right now? What is the point of calling something in if you aren't gonna start it til I get there?"
But, I managed to not freak out in ANY of the above situations. Not sure if it's my pills finally taking effect; keeping me calm, cool, and collected, or if it's the constant visual reminder of little Kenzie on my desk at work and at home on my mantel helping me to remember the important things in life. Either way, even I am surprised at my own calm reactions.
However, I would probably stay out of my line of fire. I have a feeling that very soon something will happen and all the rage that I kept in from the above situations is gonna come out 10 fold on "some poor, innocent soul."
I just wanted you all to know that there is a possibility that I am becoming a little less crazy each day. Don't hold your breath or cross your fingers, as we have no proof that this is the case. Instead just simply smile and remember that 'No matter how crazy you feel at times, Whitney will always be crazier.'
I didn't freak out when Drennen came home Sunday night with NO homework done while he had been at his fathers and he had to stay up until 9:30 on a school night to finish it. The old Whitney would have driven over to his fathers house and knocked on the door and said "Seriously? You wanna take a child away from me because I'm unstable, mental, suicidal, and incapable of raising Drennen when you can't even do 6 pages of homework every 2 weeks? Why don't you just go ahead and add homicidal to that list."
I didn't freak out when my phone died sometime in the night, therefore causing me to oversleep, making myself and Drennen VERY late today. The old Whitney would have thrown the blackberry across the room cursing as she went into a frantic fit.
I didn't freak out (much) when a stupid driver treated a stop light as a stop sign and nearly t-boned me this morning. The old Whitney would have honked her horn, flipped the birdie, and screamed that old people need to have their licenses' removed because they are all idiots! Along with some foul language.
I didn't freak out when I got to work and all the construction prevented me from parking anywhere within a 5 mile radius of work. The old Whitney would have walked right up to one of the construction guys that were standing around doing absolutely nothing and asked him what in the hell did he think he was doing standing there and when is this gonna be done, because it's absolutely ridiculous that it's so behind and what they "have completed" looks like total crap.
I didn't freak out when I got a hateful voicemail from the doctors office demanding a payment that I had made 3 days prior. The old Whitney would have called her back, told her that maybe she needed to get her facts straight before she calls and leaves a hateful voicemail like that on MY voicemail. I might even add a, who do you think you are in there.
AND, I didn't freak out when I called my lunch in a half hour ahead of picking it up and it wasn't even started when I got there. The old Whitney would have said "Are you freaking kidding me right now? What is the point of calling something in if you aren't gonna start it til I get there?"
But, I managed to not freak out in ANY of the above situations. Not sure if it's my pills finally taking effect; keeping me calm, cool, and collected, or if it's the constant visual reminder of little Kenzie on my desk at work and at home on my mantel helping me to remember the important things in life. Either way, even I am surprised at my own calm reactions.
However, I would probably stay out of my line of fire. I have a feeling that very soon something will happen and all the rage that I kept in from the above situations is gonna come out 10 fold on "some poor, innocent soul."
I just wanted you all to know that there is a possibility that I am becoming a little less crazy each day. Don't hold your breath or cross your fingers, as we have no proof that this is the case. Instead just simply smile and remember that 'No matter how crazy you feel at times, Whitney will always be crazier.'
Friday, September 10, 2010
Branching out....
Ok. So....Anyone who knows me knows that I don't deal with change well. It's almost always unwelcome and unappreciated. However, you know that there's always exceptions to the rule.
Last night I ventured into uncharted waters and went to "Girlfriends" at church. You all know that me and my ya-ya's are super tight and we very rarely venture out in to other groups. But the ya-ya's have hit rough waters lately and I felt like it was time I expand my horizons.
Don't get me wrong, there will never be a group of friends like us 8. We have been through way too much just to walk away and let hurtful words and silly arguments break us apart. If we are able to let those things get to us, then we truly aren't the group that we thought we were. I mean, if your best friend can't tell you what they think and the truth, then who can? And ladies... if any of you are reading...you know that we are bonded together by something stronger than anyone can even imagine. You know that when one of us hurt, the other hurts. You know that when one of us laugh, the other laughs. It's just the way we are. We might as well have the same blood flowing through our veins. We are one. Don't forget that.
So, in the midst of the crazy couple of weeks I had, I also made a couple new friends. I'm not gonna lie, it was actually hard for me. I am stubborn! (I know, this is shocking.) I like my group, I like the comfort and stability that we have, but I needed a change. I honestly can't handle any more drama right now. And at the same time, I need friends. So, this last weekend we hung out with 2 couples that we normaly don't hang out with. We had a BLAST! And you know who benefited the most? Kurt. He hit it off and has talked about the 2 guys ever since. That's awesome to see.
Now that my ADD has kicked in and I'm off track, let me get back to girlfiends! I had a FANTASTIC time. I really enjoyed myself and loved laughing with a fresh set of faces. I am excited to report that the men are golfing in the morning and I will be going to a "play date" with the ladies.
I know that most of you are thinking that this doesn't sound like me at all. And truly I never thought I would hear myself say the word "play date" and "me" in the same sentence.
You know how God is intervening? Well, his intervention is amazing and I am stoked about all the things he has in store for me. Until next time....
Last night I ventured into uncharted waters and went to "Girlfriends" at church. You all know that me and my ya-ya's are super tight and we very rarely venture out in to other groups. But the ya-ya's have hit rough waters lately and I felt like it was time I expand my horizons.
Don't get me wrong, there will never be a group of friends like us 8. We have been through way too much just to walk away and let hurtful words and silly arguments break us apart. If we are able to let those things get to us, then we truly aren't the group that we thought we were. I mean, if your best friend can't tell you what they think and the truth, then who can? And ladies... if any of you are reading...you know that we are bonded together by something stronger than anyone can even imagine. You know that when one of us hurt, the other hurts. You know that when one of us laugh, the other laughs. It's just the way we are. We might as well have the same blood flowing through our veins. We are one. Don't forget that.
So, in the midst of the crazy couple of weeks I had, I also made a couple new friends. I'm not gonna lie, it was actually hard for me. I am stubborn! (I know, this is shocking.) I like my group, I like the comfort and stability that we have, but I needed a change. I honestly can't handle any more drama right now. And at the same time, I need friends. So, this last weekend we hung out with 2 couples that we normaly don't hang out with. We had a BLAST! And you know who benefited the most? Kurt. He hit it off and has talked about the 2 guys ever since. That's awesome to see.
Now that my ADD has kicked in and I'm off track, let me get back to girlfiends! I had a FANTASTIC time. I really enjoyed myself and loved laughing with a fresh set of faces. I am excited to report that the men are golfing in the morning and I will be going to a "play date" with the ladies.
I know that most of you are thinking that this doesn't sound like me at all. And truly I never thought I would hear myself say the word "play date" and "me" in the same sentence.
You know how God is intervening? Well, his intervention is amazing and I am stoked about all the things he has in store for me. Until next time....
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Help! I'm drowning.
Do you ever just feel like you are drowning in a sea of unfortunate events? That feels like my life lately. It's been one thing after another. The custody battle, Kenzer dying, Josh dying, my closest friends fighting, my grandpa on the edge of dying, my boss' three family members and friends dying, sick babies, sick mommy, and all the day to day struggles.
It seems that life has thrown so much at me lately. I always think in my head that God will not give me more than I can handle, and usually I feel so honored that he thinks so highly of me to give me all of this. But, I'm at my limits lately. I feel like I'm underwater and I've held my breath for as long as I can. I am doing my best not to let it bring me down. I don't wanna fall into that terrible place of depression, sadness, and anger.
Yesterday was not a great day. It was nothing life threatening, just one of those days where you wish you had stayed in bed. You guys know what I'm talking about. I skipped church last night to stay home with the babies and relieve my husband, who had been up 24 hours. The babies fell asleep early and I just sat there in the quiet. That doesn't happen a lot for me. I wanted to let the tears fall freely, but I just couldn't. Why? Because I feel like my life is under a microscope. I feel like with all this custody bull crap that I am not allowed to have a breakdown, in fear that it will be held against me. It's a tough road to walk.
I woke up this morning and tried to face the day with a better outlook and it seemed as if I was doing so. I put an old cd I found in the cd player and cranked it up as the babies clapped. A WOW christian cd from a few years back. Some of the greatest songs I have ever heard are on that cd. As I'm singing along and listening to the music, some lyrics cut their way into my heart.
'When I am down, and oh my soul so weary; when troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains, you raise me up to walk on stormy seas. I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raise me up, to more than I can be.'
Maybe I should have sat there in the silence last night and waited for God to come and sit with me. The only problem with that sentence is that he WAS sitting with me. I just didn't realize it. I never think about giving it all to God. Why? Why don't I think about that? I guess because I feel like I am superwoman and can take on so many things on my own. And for awhile, that works for me. But all of this, this is NOT working for me. So, today, I am sitting here typing this and giving it to God. This is in his hands. He never meant for me to carry this alone. Maybe he keeps throwing me curve balls until I'm willing to also let him catch them.
So, today I'm stepping off the home plate, and I'm sitting the bench. Join me. I hear the hotdogs and peanuts are great.
It seems that life has thrown so much at me lately. I always think in my head that God will not give me more than I can handle, and usually I feel so honored that he thinks so highly of me to give me all of this. But, I'm at my limits lately. I feel like I'm underwater and I've held my breath for as long as I can. I am doing my best not to let it bring me down. I don't wanna fall into that terrible place of depression, sadness, and anger.
Yesterday was not a great day. It was nothing life threatening, just one of those days where you wish you had stayed in bed. You guys know what I'm talking about. I skipped church last night to stay home with the babies and relieve my husband, who had been up 24 hours. The babies fell asleep early and I just sat there in the quiet. That doesn't happen a lot for me. I wanted to let the tears fall freely, but I just couldn't. Why? Because I feel like my life is under a microscope. I feel like with all this custody bull crap that I am not allowed to have a breakdown, in fear that it will be held against me. It's a tough road to walk.
I woke up this morning and tried to face the day with a better outlook and it seemed as if I was doing so. I put an old cd I found in the cd player and cranked it up as the babies clapped. A WOW christian cd from a few years back. Some of the greatest songs I have ever heard are on that cd. As I'm singing along and listening to the music, some lyrics cut their way into my heart.
'When I am down, and oh my soul so weary; when troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains, you raise me up to walk on stormy seas. I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raise me up, to more than I can be.'
Maybe I should have sat there in the silence last night and waited for God to come and sit with me. The only problem with that sentence is that he WAS sitting with me. I just didn't realize it. I never think about giving it all to God. Why? Why don't I think about that? I guess because I feel like I am superwoman and can take on so many things on my own. And for awhile, that works for me. But all of this, this is NOT working for me. So, today, I am sitting here typing this and giving it to God. This is in his hands. He never meant for me to carry this alone. Maybe he keeps throwing me curve balls until I'm willing to also let him catch them.
So, today I'm stepping off the home plate, and I'm sitting the bench. Join me. I hear the hotdogs and peanuts are great.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Let's start over...
I wake up this morning at about 3:30 to not one, but TWO crying babies. I'm too tired to mess with the whole rocking them each back to sleep, and so I break my #1 parenting rule, and allow them to sleep with me.
It wasn't much better after that. Bayler insisted on using Harper as a pillow. Harper insisted that she not. Bayler was running a fever from the head cold that each of us have going on right now, and so she was restless, to say the least. The alarm went off a few hours later and I managed to drag myself out of bed. I woke Drennen up for school, and jumped in the shower.
I need to stop right here and say that my morning shower is probably my favorite time of day. You know, when you get to have 15 minutes to YOURSELF! Priceless.
Anyhoo, I get out and my wonderful son has already woke up the babies and put them in their high chairs for breakfast. I'm fine with that except that he was feeding them apple jacks and honey grahams. Not exactly the breakfast they usually have. I get them their drinks out of the fridge. Harpers is still in there, because she has milk, and Bayler's sippy is empty on the counter. I fill it up with juice, because she refuses to drink milk, and hand it to her. I also give both of them a half of banana to cancel out the applejacks.
I walk into the bathroom to blow dry my hair for 2 minutes tops! I come out and am taken aback at the sight of my child. You all know which one it must be...Bayler, of course.
Apparently I forgot to put the spill proof spout in to the sippy cup BEFORE I gave it to her. So, she figured why not dump the entire contents on to her head! As if that wasn't good enough for her, there are junks of bananas squashed into her hair right along with the juice!!!
I look down at the soppy, wet, sticky mess. I want to yell, but I can't because she is giving me the sweetest little face and using the sign language symbol for "more".
How can you yell after that?
Needless to say, she had a morning bath. We usually do that at night. She cried the whole time as I reminded her that we don't pour juice and mash bananas in to our hair. Think she got it?
When Kurt got home, the crying ceased and I was able to leave for work. Of course, my wouldn't be complete without a little more stress, and I was pulled over 2 blocks from the house. Luckily just a courtesy warning.
Only me......
It wasn't much better after that. Bayler insisted on using Harper as a pillow. Harper insisted that she not. Bayler was running a fever from the head cold that each of us have going on right now, and so she was restless, to say the least. The alarm went off a few hours later and I managed to drag myself out of bed. I woke Drennen up for school, and jumped in the shower.
I need to stop right here and say that my morning shower is probably my favorite time of day. You know, when you get to have 15 minutes to YOURSELF! Priceless.
Anyhoo, I get out and my wonderful son has already woke up the babies and put them in their high chairs for breakfast. I'm fine with that except that he was feeding them apple jacks and honey grahams. Not exactly the breakfast they usually have. I get them their drinks out of the fridge. Harpers is still in there, because she has milk, and Bayler's sippy is empty on the counter. I fill it up with juice, because she refuses to drink milk, and hand it to her. I also give both of them a half of banana to cancel out the applejacks.
I walk into the bathroom to blow dry my hair for 2 minutes tops! I come out and am taken aback at the sight of my child. You all know which one it must be...Bayler, of course.
Apparently I forgot to put the spill proof spout in to the sippy cup BEFORE I gave it to her. So, she figured why not dump the entire contents on to her head! As if that wasn't good enough for her, there are junks of bananas squashed into her hair right along with the juice!!!
I look down at the soppy, wet, sticky mess. I want to yell, but I can't because she is giving me the sweetest little face and using the sign language symbol for "more".
How can you yell after that?
Needless to say, she had a morning bath. We usually do that at night. She cried the whole time as I reminded her that we don't pour juice and mash bananas in to our hair. Think she got it?
When Kurt got home, the crying ceased and I was able to leave for work. Of course, my wouldn't be complete without a little more stress, and I was pulled over 2 blocks from the house. Luckily just a courtesy warning.
Only me......
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Not ready to make nice....
So, as most of you know, my blog is now private. I trust that each of you who I have given access to will keep any of my posts to yourself.
My blog is trying to be used against me. At first I decided to just stop blogging, but then I thought about it a couple of days. I received 22 emails, texts, messages, etc. in just the two days it was blocked from people who wanted to read it. That got me thinking. My blog, in all its glory, is intended first and foremost to help ME!
But, I have found along the way that I have an ability to help others who are following my journey. And I don't plan on stopping that because of others ignorance and stupidity. Eventually someone may get me down, but anyone who knows me knows that I will go down swinging. You can bet my blog on that.
I have had a very rough week. Between the custody battle, the death of a 2 year old, and now another acquaintance, I have been pushed to my limits. But like one of my favorite songs, I won't back down...I will stand my ground.
It is my goal in life to teach my children integrity, independence, and originality. Most importantly I want them to know that it's OK to go against the grain. It's OK to not have the same opinions as others. And I never want them to back down against their beliefs. And how can I teach them that if I don't practice what I preach. I CAN'T!
So, I will continue this blog. I will continue to write. I will continue to help myself, and I will continue to be a voice for others. If you don't like it, well I guess you will be moved to the blocked list!
My blog is trying to be used against me. At first I decided to just stop blogging, but then I thought about it a couple of days. I received 22 emails, texts, messages, etc. in just the two days it was blocked from people who wanted to read it. That got me thinking. My blog, in all its glory, is intended first and foremost to help ME!
But, I have found along the way that I have an ability to help others who are following my journey. And I don't plan on stopping that because of others ignorance and stupidity. Eventually someone may get me down, but anyone who knows me knows that I will go down swinging. You can bet my blog on that.
I have had a very rough week. Between the custody battle, the death of a 2 year old, and now another acquaintance, I have been pushed to my limits. But like one of my favorite songs, I won't back down...I will stand my ground.
It is my goal in life to teach my children integrity, independence, and originality. Most importantly I want them to know that it's OK to go against the grain. It's OK to not have the same opinions as others. And I never want them to back down against their beliefs. And how can I teach them that if I don't practice what I preach. I CAN'T!
So, I will continue this blog. I will continue to write. I will continue to help myself, and I will continue to be a voice for others. If you don't like it, well I guess you will be moved to the blocked list!
Friday, August 27, 2010
ya-ya weekend
OK! So, the long awaited ANNUAL GIRLS WEEKEND has arrived.
The 8 ya-ya's take off tonight at 5:30 sharp! We leave on a private jet, take off to a secluded spot that only the 8 of us know about, dine at a world famous 5 star restaurant, listen to a famous singer, and then head to a world class resort where we stay for 2 nights, being waited on with whatever need we may have, while lounging at our own private pool, drinking fancy little drinks with those cute little umbrellas!
YEAH RIGHT....and then I wake up!
We leave at 5:30, we take 2 mini-vans(because that's how we roll), take of to the lake an hour away, dine at a dive karaoke bar (listening to no one but our own group of talent; which let me tell you is a riot), then we head to a lake house, where no one waits on us, but ourselves, while lounging at our private dock on the dirty lake, while drinking whatever was on sale at Walmart that day. And NO, there are no fancy umbrellas!
But, despite it all, its one of my favorite weekends of the year, hands down! It's rare that all of get to go out in public together. Namely because we get dirty looks from others when we get together. I'm not sure if it's because of the EXTREMELY high volume we create, our talking of plotting other people's death, or that they are just super jealous! I'm gonna go with the first two!
It's when some of our greatest memories are made. There are always tears shed as we reflect on each of the trials that we endured from the year, smiles over the plans we have for the future, laughter because no one else laughs over us so we have to do it ourselves, and most importantly....FOOD. Almost all of us are infamous for a dish that we make. So on ya-ya weekend we bring those fantastic recipes together.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. They are the best group of friends a person could ask for. They are as close to me as my children are. And that's pretty dang close. I feel extremely blessed to have such good friends who stand by me when others wouldn't give me a second glance. It's not everyday that you know that kind of love.
Love you ladies..
Whit
The 8 ya-ya's take off tonight at 5:30 sharp! We leave on a private jet, take off to a secluded spot that only the 8 of us know about, dine at a world famous 5 star restaurant, listen to a famous singer, and then head to a world class resort where we stay for 2 nights, being waited on with whatever need we may have, while lounging at our own private pool, drinking fancy little drinks with those cute little umbrellas!
YEAH RIGHT....and then I wake up!
We leave at 5:30, we take 2 mini-vans(because that's how we roll), take of to the lake an hour away, dine at a dive karaoke bar (listening to no one but our own group of talent; which let me tell you is a riot), then we head to a lake house, where no one waits on us, but ourselves, while lounging at our private dock on the dirty lake, while drinking whatever was on sale at Walmart that day. And NO, there are no fancy umbrellas!
But, despite it all, its one of my favorite weekends of the year, hands down! It's rare that all of get to go out in public together. Namely because we get dirty looks from others when we get together. I'm not sure if it's because of the EXTREMELY high volume we create, our talking of plotting other people's death, or that they are just super jealous! I'm gonna go with the first two!
It's when some of our greatest memories are made. There are always tears shed as we reflect on each of the trials that we endured from the year, smiles over the plans we have for the future, laughter because no one else laughs over us so we have to do it ourselves, and most importantly....FOOD. Almost all of us are infamous for a dish that we make. So on ya-ya weekend we bring those fantastic recipes together.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. They are the best group of friends a person could ask for. They are as close to me as my children are. And that's pretty dang close. I feel extremely blessed to have such good friends who stand by me when others wouldn't give me a second glance. It's not everyday that you know that kind of love.
Love you ladies..
Whit
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Relief.
The fair is OVER! I made it...Barely! This was the hardest year for me. I didn't think I was gonna make it through. I got sick, I passed out, I hit a man. It was a lot of drama. But it's over.
I told my mom, I am not sure I have ever worked a fair without a manic high. I now know that I'm not totally capable of handling the 19 hour work days without it! I made my goal on money and so that's always satisfying. At least all that hard work was worth it.
I wasn't able to take my antipsychotic pills during the fair because they are intended to shut my brain down and let me sleep, and since I couldn't sleep during the fair, I couldn't take my pills. I started them again last night and so today I'm doing the whole groggy thing, but I know that will fade in a few days. I am working my way up to a full dose of mood stabilizers. Apparently there is a deadly rash that less than 2% of people get with the drug I'm on and so they have to work you up to the right dosage. Awesome! That would be just peachy, right? Well, honey, I'm in a better mood but I'm dying of a rash!
School starts tomorrow for my little 2nd grader! I can't believe I have a 2nd grader. I am looking forward to school starting. I'm ready to get back in to some kind of a routine. We NEED that. My son, who is 7, is starting to act out a bit, and so maybe the routine of school will help things! Let's pray it does, so that I don't hurt him! haha!
Well, hope everyone's school week starts off swell!
I told my mom, I am not sure I have ever worked a fair without a manic high. I now know that I'm not totally capable of handling the 19 hour work days without it! I made my goal on money and so that's always satisfying. At least all that hard work was worth it.
I wasn't able to take my antipsychotic pills during the fair because they are intended to shut my brain down and let me sleep, and since I couldn't sleep during the fair, I couldn't take my pills. I started them again last night and so today I'm doing the whole groggy thing, but I know that will fade in a few days. I am working my way up to a full dose of mood stabilizers. Apparently there is a deadly rash that less than 2% of people get with the drug I'm on and so they have to work you up to the right dosage. Awesome! That would be just peachy, right? Well, honey, I'm in a better mood but I'm dying of a rash!
School starts tomorrow for my little 2nd grader! I can't believe I have a 2nd grader. I am looking forward to school starting. I'm ready to get back in to some kind of a routine. We NEED that. My son, who is 7, is starting to act out a bit, and so maybe the routine of school will help things! Let's pray it does, so that I don't hurt him! haha!
Well, hope everyone's school week starts off swell!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Fair time!~
Wow, can't believe it's been a week since I last blogged. I am seriously busy. It won't get any better anytime soon either. My beloved fair has started today and I'm stoked! It's a loooooong ten days for me, since I'm working out there and my normal job, but I do love it. This is my 11th year working. Man that makes me feel old.
I have bought my fanny pack. I would hate to stand out in the crowd without it. I have my tennis shoes on and I'm chomping at the bit to get out there. I haven't eaten a funnel cake since I started, but man I sure can make a mean one! If you are out and about come see. Tell them I sent ya!
On to more serious subjects.
I debated long and hard about starting my hormone therapy this week, cuz 115 degree heat index coupled with hot flashes equals one cranky mamma! But two things kept me from doing it. A) I do not want to risk my endometriosis coming back, and B) I don't know how I will react to the new hormones and I would hate to miss working the fair. Yes people! I love it THAT much!
I also have REALLY struggled this week with taking my bipolar pills. I have done it. Faithfully, I might add. But I'm telling you, I can make killer money when I'm on a crazy manic episode! I will be getting about 3 hours of sleep each night and that's no problem when I'm high, but I think it might take a toll on me this year. I guess only time will tell.
I'm not sure when I get to blog again, but hopefully before next week! We shall see. Weather man says there's a cold front coming in. Once again, thank you God. He knows I get a bit cranky in the heat.
Until next week....
I have bought my fanny pack. I would hate to stand out in the crowd without it. I have my tennis shoes on and I'm chomping at the bit to get out there. I haven't eaten a funnel cake since I started, but man I sure can make a mean one! If you are out and about come see. Tell them I sent ya!
On to more serious subjects.
I debated long and hard about starting my hormone therapy this week, cuz 115 degree heat index coupled with hot flashes equals one cranky mamma! But two things kept me from doing it. A) I do not want to risk my endometriosis coming back, and B) I don't know how I will react to the new hormones and I would hate to miss working the fair. Yes people! I love it THAT much!
I also have REALLY struggled this week with taking my bipolar pills. I have done it. Faithfully, I might add. But I'm telling you, I can make killer money when I'm on a crazy manic episode! I will be getting about 3 hours of sleep each night and that's no problem when I'm high, but I think it might take a toll on me this year. I guess only time will tell.
I'm not sure when I get to blog again, but hopefully before next week! We shall see. Weather man says there's a cold front coming in. Once again, thank you God. He knows I get a bit cranky in the heat.
Until next week....
Friday, August 6, 2010
I miss my crack.
It's 9:21am. I got to work late....again. It's been like this all week. I am not hearing my alarm clock in the mornings. Nor am I hearing my children cry in the night. I'm not sure if it's because they aren't waking up, or that I'm sleeping through it. I feel tired. My eyes feel heavy. I am struggling to get in the zone.
It's my pills. While they indeed help my brain shut down, they are working a little too well. I cut them in half, as suggested by my doctor, but still, I am a zombie. I am not sure if I'm taking them too late or if they are just truly that powerful.
It's times like today that make a bipolar go off their meds. I MISS MY CRACK! I want my high back. I feel like I'm in rehab about to rip off someones face for just a tiny little bit of the good stuff. I'm ready to shoot a puppy if I think they are holdin'. And don't send me hate mail over that. I'm just laying it out there.
Night time is MY time! It's when I get something done. Whether it's reading, catching up on my tv, cleaning, laundry, bible study, or just sitting on the porch talking to one of the ya-ya's. IT'S MY TIME! With these pills, I'm not getting my time. I take them and then thirty minutes later, I'm struggling to make a complete sentence. My brain literally shuts off, and it takes me 15 seconds or more to get the next word in my train of thought out. It's so frustrating.
Just a short week and half ago, I could have stayed up til 5am getting all of the things on my list done, and wake up at 7am ready to start another crazy day, without even blinking an eye. Again, I MISS MY CRACK! I know that staying on my meds are the only way I can live a normal, well maybe not normal, but a healthy lifestyle. I'm pretty sure no amount of drugs will make me "normal". HAHA!
I have never been addicted to anything. I think I can say that and truly mean it. Yeah, I have drank more than I should have on occasions for long periods of time, I smoked like a chimney for awhile, and I smoked a couple joints back in the day. I'm not a soda pop fan, and I mostly stay on decaf coffee. And without even thinking, I could stop those things without the slightest bit of effort. So I am quite confident that I have never been an addict of any sort.....UNTIL NOW! I'm telling you, if they bottled the feeling I get from my manic episodes, I would walk through hell and take candy from a child to get it! And listen, I'm not one for taking candy from a child.
This is the hardest part of bipolar disorder. And I feel like I need to say this: I do not hate that I am bipolar. Sometimes I even love that I am. It truly allows me to think outside the box. You know when you buy a book of crossword puzzles. They have easy, hard, and challenging. Well for me, I couldn't do the easy or hard ones to save my life, but hand me a challenging one, and I can have it completed in a matter of minutes. My brain just truly thinks different. What seems so easy to most, presents the most trouble for me. I do not want any sympathy for this. I don't mind it. And I take offense when someone looks at me with pity. I am hear to educate, not to for pity votes. Just throwin that out there!
I wish I had some genius, thought provoking ending to this little blog. Unfortunately, I don't. Blame my pills.
It's my pills. While they indeed help my brain shut down, they are working a little too well. I cut them in half, as suggested by my doctor, but still, I am a zombie. I am not sure if I'm taking them too late or if they are just truly that powerful.
It's times like today that make a bipolar go off their meds. I MISS MY CRACK! I want my high back. I feel like I'm in rehab about to rip off someones face for just a tiny little bit of the good stuff. I'm ready to shoot a puppy if I think they are holdin'. And don't send me hate mail over that. I'm just laying it out there.
Night time is MY time! It's when I get something done. Whether it's reading, catching up on my tv, cleaning, laundry, bible study, or just sitting on the porch talking to one of the ya-ya's. IT'S MY TIME! With these pills, I'm not getting my time. I take them and then thirty minutes later, I'm struggling to make a complete sentence. My brain literally shuts off, and it takes me 15 seconds or more to get the next word in my train of thought out. It's so frustrating.
Just a short week and half ago, I could have stayed up til 5am getting all of the things on my list done, and wake up at 7am ready to start another crazy day, without even blinking an eye. Again, I MISS MY CRACK! I know that staying on my meds are the only way I can live a normal, well maybe not normal, but a healthy lifestyle. I'm pretty sure no amount of drugs will make me "normal". HAHA!
I have never been addicted to anything. I think I can say that and truly mean it. Yeah, I have drank more than I should have on occasions for long periods of time, I smoked like a chimney for awhile, and I smoked a couple joints back in the day. I'm not a soda pop fan, and I mostly stay on decaf coffee. And without even thinking, I could stop those things without the slightest bit of effort. So I am quite confident that I have never been an addict of any sort.....UNTIL NOW! I'm telling you, if they bottled the feeling I get from my manic episodes, I would walk through hell and take candy from a child to get it! And listen, I'm not one for taking candy from a child.
This is the hardest part of bipolar disorder. And I feel like I need to say this: I do not hate that I am bipolar. Sometimes I even love that I am. It truly allows me to think outside the box. You know when you buy a book of crossword puzzles. They have easy, hard, and challenging. Well for me, I couldn't do the easy or hard ones to save my life, but hand me a challenging one, and I can have it completed in a matter of minutes. My brain just truly thinks different. What seems so easy to most, presents the most trouble for me. I do not want any sympathy for this. I don't mind it. And I take offense when someone looks at me with pity. I am hear to educate, not to for pity votes. Just throwin that out there!
I wish I had some genius, thought provoking ending to this little blog. Unfortunately, I don't. Blame my pills.
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