Today wasn't my day. To be quite honest, the last month really hasn't been my month, but today just REALLY wasn't my day.
I found out around lunch that Drennen is in a class with no other friends this coming school year. We only have 8 boys in his class and they split down the middle in kindergarten. The other three made it into the other teachers class.
I've never been one to pick a teacher or make sure my son got who he wanted. I've always felt like God would put him where he needed/needs to be. But, when I found out that his security in that school, and the reason he gets up to go in the morning were all in the other class, my heart just crushed.
I dreaded telling him. The pain in my stomach, knowing what his reaction would be, was already too much.
I wanted to have him switched. I wanted to run down to the school. I wanted to cry. And I, in fact, did all of these. In my head I wrestled with the demon and the angel. The mom in me just had to "fix it". The Doubting Thomas in me kept asking if this was how it was supposed to be? Am I doubting what the father has planned?
After coffee with a friend, hasty prayers sent up, a phone call to my mother, (because that's how serious this was) and talking to Drennen's father, (Yes, yes it was that bad.) I headed to the school.
Thankfully Drennen's dad has sent an email ahead voicing our concerns and when I arrived, they were expecting me. The principal met me with an understanding heart. And while he heard me on not wanting to make waves, he also said I wasn't a complainer and never asked anything of the school. (All true.) They decided to switch Drennen but at the expense of someone else. This didn't sit well with me, either. How would I feel if it was my child that was switched all because "some kid didn't get his friends?" I felt the need to speak with the teacher he was assigned and get her thoughts. I was, after all, happy that he had been assigned to her.
After a long heart to heart, I just had this feeling that Drennen needed to stay in this class; with this teacher. And she convinced me to tell him about the list and see how he felt, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
I made my way down the hall to the summer program where Drennen was. I put on a smile and started the whole conversation in as bubbly a voice as I could muster without sounding too fake. I asked if he knew which teacher he got and he said no. I told him and he said, "Man, she's the mean one!" I said, "She's only mean if you make her." I let him know the first kid in his class was his friend. Drennen was happy he was in there because the other kids weren't nice to his friend and he was happy they were together. At this point, I lied. I lied and told him that they had done that on purpose. I told him that they knew he was a good friend to this boy and they wanted to make sure they were together. I then named off the other boys. One he was thrilled over, one he could take or leave and the other he didn't know. And then.... I waited.
I waited for the reality to wash over him as he realized that none of the rest of his group would be with him. After awhile, when he still hadn't mentioned them, I finally did. I said, "So, do you realize that this means your other friends got into the other class?" He said, "Oh, yeah, but I'll see them at lunch and at recess." That was it. There was no pain in his eyes. There was no tears streaming down his face. Doubting Thomas couldn't let it rest yet, though. "Are you sure you are good? I was kind of worried. I didn't know if I should try and change it or fix it?" "Mom! I'm fine. Seriously. I can see them a lot."
I couldn't stay another second. The tears that had threatened all day just wouldn't be held another minute.
I knew I needed to go back down to the office and cancel the switch. But I just couldn't. I had to get out of there.
I all but ran to my truck and slammed the door shut. And there I just let dam break.
Sometimes in life we expect too much out of our children. I am the top on the GUILTY list. I was raised to have perfect grades, to excel in extra curricular activities, and to be perfection. And it's almost impossible not to expect the same out of my children.
But, then there are days, like today, when we don't expect enough.
I sit here now knowing that God put him in the class he was intended to be in. He knows the plans he has for him. He knows the plans he has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future.
Only God could've changed the heart of my son today. I'm not saying this year will be a breeze, because I'm not stupid. But, I saw hope today..... I saw hope.
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