Broken Hearted Randomness

There are times I am too loud. There are times I am too bold. There are times I say what I think before I think about what I am saying. There are days I wear my heart on my sleeve, but most days it may appear that I simply just have a heart made of stone and on rare days; no heart at all. I could sit here all day and name you my flaws. They far out number the good in me at times. I have tried to live a life with as few regrets and apologies as one person should have. But, who's to say how many a person should or shouldn't have?
I have many regrets in my life. But, I choose to look at them as experiences that I learned lessons from. Sometimes those lessons cost me more than I could have ever imagined or thought possible, but to walk away from them without having learned anything would truly be the biggest mistake of all.

You can say a lot of negative things about me and I won't disagree with much. But, you can never say that I don't love with all of myself. You can never say that my loyalty was lacking. You can never say that my family isn't my everything. Yes, you can look back on a time where they didn't matter as much to me, but in the end you will find that I didn't mean anything to ME. And when you don't love yourself, it's almost impossible to love others. And what a wicked twist of the knife to know that the lack of love for ones self looks just like complete selfishness to the outside looking in.

You can never say that I was high maintenance. If I have ever wanted something in life, I have worked, prayed, climbed, clawed, and done whatever it took to get it myself. It will be no one's claim but my own and the good Lord who has blessed it upon me for all that I have. I was raised with a strong work ethic. It's what I pride myself on. It's a foundation on which I build myself and what I judge others on. While, I know we shouldn't judge, we all do it anyway. At least I'm picking something that the world surely should be held accountable and judged for.

You can never say that I didn't defend what I believe in. You will always know where you stand with me. You may not like it. I may not like it. But, there is a peace, still, in the knowing. To take for granted the loyalty that I so freely give will not end well. And it doesn't just end badly for others, it cuts me too. I don't think people get that. When I have to cut out an entire chunk from my life and from my heart, the stone persona that has walked before me fails me. It fails me on the outside. It allows others to think that I don't care. It allows others to think that I wasn't even phased. But, once again, I hear my father. I hear him saying, "Get back on the saddle. If you don't now, you never will." And so there I am, with a foot in a stirrup swinging myself around. It's automatic. It's almost robotic. Some call it strength. I call it being.

And while I'm up there and I appear to have it all together, leading this horse home, but not letting her run...I can let the wind carry off the few tears that threaten to escape me.

If I am shaken, it will be momentarily. If I fall off, you can always place your money on me getting back up. It will always happen. It is not a choice. It is not about pride. It is not about strength. It is simply me.
x
So, I walked away.

 And while the wind may have caught a tear or two, may you find comfort in knowing.... that mare is resting, peacefully, after a long hard ride.