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I am exhausted today. Truth be told, I have been exhausted for awhile. My mind is tired, my emotions are shot, and I'm physically running on fumes.

It was a rough weekend. Headed to Oklahoma at 4am on Saturday to go to my Grandpa's funeral. I thought I had been pretty accepting of his death, as he's older, and we knew it was coming. But as I sat in the church, I realized we were saying goodbye to the second half of our family's core. Granny passed already.

I walked through a house that so many of my best memories were made. Sitting in that kitchen chair staring out the window while granny made us french toast and her secret orange juice. We were older when we figured out it was just Bright an Early oj, with a scoop of tang in it. Still, it was special to us. I loved our summers spent there learning to cross stitch. Learning to cook. Hearing the stories of years past. That's what happens when you have a 95 year old grandpa. You get to hear the good stuff.

I did something I never do. I actually viewed the body lying in the casket. I just had to see the face one last time of the man who started this amazing legacy that we call our family.

The service was beautiful. One of the greatest sermons ever preached probably. It's easy to talk when you know without a doubt that the man you are remembering is dancing with Jesus as you talk.

We left the next morning early and headed to Oklahoma City as my grandmother had been taken there the night before with heart issues. Talk about a crazy weekend. My mom has been put through the ringer. We are all just tired.

I just wanna break down. I try and look at this sweet little picture on my desk reminding me how fragile life truly is. I feel bad complaining knowing what others have gone through, but I can't help it. Part of my family is broken. Part of my core is shaken. And it really never will be the same.

I have no point to this blog. I'm getting a bit numb to the events that have happened in the last month. I pray for the person who is left holding the grenade that is me when I finally do have a breakdown. It will happen. Just not sure how or when.

Testing my patience...

I have been blessed in my life. Probably more than I deserve. God has given me more blessings than I can count. One thing he skipped was PATIENCE. I mean, he didn't even give me a little. I'm not sure if he ran out that day or what.

Yesterday I had to take Bayler to the doctor. She has been running what they call "cycle fevers". She basically runs a fever every 10 days or so with no other symptoms.

I brought it up last time we were in the doctors office with Harper. I figure I might as well get my money's worth out of each visit! I was told to bring her whenever I had a free moment. Come straight to the lab to get a CBC and a chest x-ray. There would be no wait because it's the lab. On the way home that day, they called me to say that the doctor would actually like to see her the day I came in for labs. So I schedule an appointment.

Yesterday, I took her in. I actually took her, Harper and Kurt. The plan was to hit the lab, take the kids to daycare, and head to work. HAHAHAHAHA! This is me we are talking about. I mean, I asked myself last night if I honestly thought it was going to go as planned. Stupidly, I did.

We get to the doctors office at 8am. We signed in and took our seats in the flu, cough, and cold infested waiting room. 20 minutes go by. 30 minutes go by. 35...40. My girls are getting restless. They are tired, they are cranky, and they don't wanna be there any longer. I actually kind of wanted one of them to start screaming in hopes that it would annoy the nurses and we would get in a little quicker!

After 45 minutes of waiting, I walk up front. I tell the receptionist in the sweetest voice I could possibly muster up, "Ma'am, we were here for labs and told there would be no waiting". She replies with a slimy little smirk on her face, "We understand. We are very busy today and we are waiting to get your paperwork so we can send it to the lab". What? My paperwork isn't even to the lab and I've been here 45 minutes? I wanna slap her, but resist the urge, and calmly take my seat.

Another 15 minutes goes by and I ask the lab if they have receive my paperwork. Yes, yes they have! Great! (again, this is me.) "It's gonna be awhile before we can get to you, as we have regularly scheduled patients in front of you". Hmmmm...Do I slap her in the face right then and there, do I calmly walk away, or do I break down and cry? So many choices. I opt for option #4. "There must be some mistake. I was told there would be NO WAIT, and I have been here for over and hour with 2 cranky kids. So, I don't care who you have to beg, borrow, or steal from, you are gonna get to my daughter in the next 10 minutes, or you are gonna need to call my shrink because I'm thinking the fuse at the end of my firecracker isn't gonna hold any longer than that!!!"

As I sit back down, I tell Kurt he should probably go ahead and take Harper on to daycare. Who knows when we will get in. As they leave, Bayler starts screaming because she's her daddy's girl and he has left her. Whadda ya know? They have called my name. GREAAAAAT! I love that I will get to be the one to hold her down for x-rays and needle pokes when she is already screaming for her daddy!

I won't go in to detail about how HORRIFIC that whole process went. I will say that they were so kind as to go ahead and give me my results then instead of having me come to my actual appointment at 1:45. I'm not sure if she did it out of the kindness of her heart or because I said to her..."You will find someone to read me these results right now. I WILL NOT be coming back in a few hours just to wait another 2. I also WILL NOT leave here until I get those results and if one more person tells me that someone is ahead of me, I am gonna go postal!" And you know what's weird? She got us right in!!! Funny how that works, huh?

Long story longer...She is anemic, and has a low white blood cell count. They are gonna hit her with some iron and a strong dose of antibiotics to make sure there is no underlying infection hanging around. We will retest when she has finished the antibiotic.

And you know what? I get the feeling that I'm gonna get right in this time. :)

Words I need to say.

So, I get a phone call last night. A friend of a friend is going through some rough times and is kind of in the same bipolar boat that I am paddling in. Man, I don't know this person, I have never met them, talked to them, or heard anything about them. But you know what? If someone is the same situation as me, then you can bet your butt that I'm gonna be there.

Why? First and foremost, when you are Bipolar, manic-depressive, depressed, or any other kind of mental disorder, YOU FEEL ALONE! Partly because you are, and mostly because you go along with the mentality that society has created and you keep to yourself. You wouldn't want anyone to catch it!

Secondly, most people DO NOT get it! They do not understand what you are going through! You can talk to your friends until you are blue in the face, but if they have not walked your path, they CAN NOT understand. Not even slightly.

If you haven't stayed up for 120 hours straight, you don't get it.

If you haven't eaten for days on end because your mental side has effected your physical abilities, you don't get it.

If you haven't gotten out of bed for days because you simply can not do it, you don't get it.

If you have never thought about life without you in it, you don't get it.

If you can't keep a job because of your anxiety and inability to focus, you don't get it.

If you can't get through a single thought process because your thoughts race through your mind like a Kentucky Derby, you don't get it.

If you have never felt like no one can possibly know what you are going through, you don't get it.

If you have never been so enraged that you have blacked out, you don't get it.

If you have never felt like you could fly in one second, and then feel like you are in hell the next, you don't get it.

And if you have never gone through this, THEN YOU DON'T GET TO JUDGE!

Yes, you can tell your friends and they can pray for you, talk to you, listen to you, but they will never fully understand the day to day struggles that you face. You MUST, and I repeat, YOU MUST GET HELP! No one can change this for you, but you. And you can not do this alone. This is like having asthma. It's not gonna go away because you will it to. When you are attacked, you need an inhaler. It's the same with mental disorders. You need medicine. You need a professional.

Mental disorders can control your life. They can ruin your life. DO NOT LET THEM.
I have walked this path a VERY long time. I know what it can do. And I know what it can't. I am not alone. I am not the only one who goes through this, but it took almost 10 years before I met someone who was willing to admit that they were paddling in the same boat I am. Break your silence. Do not be ashamed. It is not your fault, and if you don't allow it to control you, then it will not! Is it hard? HELL YES it's hard. It's a daily event to sit there and take a pill. It's a mental struggle to feel like you have to take a pill to be normal. That's hard.

But you know what? It's worth it. You wanna know how I know? Come spend the day with me.

Little Sponges

Everyone knows that kids are smarter than you think. They soak up absolutely EVERYTHING they see and hear. Sometimes this is a great thing. And....sometimes it's not.

Last night I had a free second between church and church, (yeah I said that right), to spend a couple minutes with the kids. The girls were just playing along happy as could be. I made the comment about how hot I was, because I just ran 3 miles. Bayler walked over to me and started blowing. What a smart little cookie. She blew on me like I was her food. Sweet little thing.

All of a sudden, Harper hit Bayler with the TV remote. I yelled "no-no", and both kids turned. I forget that I have to clarify which child I'm speaking too, especially since both girls seem to associate NO with Bayler. Because 99% of the time, she is the one who it's directed to. So, I said it again, "NO Harper". As soon as Bayler realized it was Harper that was getting in trouble, she walked over to her, swatted her hand and said "NO". I couldn't believe it. She knows that when it's big trouble, there is a swat on the hand and a loud NO to follow! Part of me wanted to laugh, and part of me wanted to get on to her. Of course, laughter won out.

As I watched them play a little bit longer, I laid down for a brief second on the living room floor. The next thing I know, Bayler has sunken her teeth into my knee! I yelped and let out a SERIOUS NO! Bayler knew immediately that I wasn't playing. She walked straight up to me, making kissing noises the whole way. She reached me and kissed me on the lips! SHE KNOWS! She knew that she was in big trouble and she played the "I'm so sweet, and I'm gonna kiss you now to keep me from getting into more trouble." Of course, this worked. How do you spank a child that just kissed you. Please keep in mind this little devil is 13 months old! I am shocked that she has learned such sophisticated charm skills at such a young age. Definitely her mothers' child.

A few more minutes go by and Harper starts to cry. I look down and see teeth marks and a guilty looking Bayler staring back at me. This time I'm aggravated. I bite her back and say no. She just looked at me like I was mental. I think she either thought, 'Are you seriously biting me right now'? or 'Is that all you've got'? It didn't phase her nonetheless. Kurt just laughed and laughed as all this happened in about a 5 minute time frame. He said, "obviously the spanking and biting isn't working". Really Kurt? Thank you for that observation.

It wasn't 2 minutes later, as Kurt was watching something stupid on the History channel, when Bayler bit him on the leg. Well what did he do? He spanked her butt hard. He was hot. Apparently it's a bigger deal when it's you that has been bitten.

Bayler started bawling. More than anything, she couldn't believe that her daddy had spanked her. She is 100% a daddy's girl. 100%. She cried all of 3 seconds and then just stared at Kurt. If looks could kill, I'd be picking out a coffin today. She crawled away from him and just stared. When he came close to her, she scooted away. When he tried talking to her, she started crying again. Now, talk about comical. I couldn't do anything but laugh. It's a little different when the shoes on the other foot, isn't it?

I headed off to church with a little bit of sarcasm in my step. I know that's hard to believe. But it's true. When I came home that evening, she was asleep with daddy. Hmmm...guess someone felt a little guilty.

Moral of this little tale. Your kids watch you. They pick up things that you can not believe. You are teaching them the ways of the world long before you even know. I, personally am guilty of saying, 'well, when they learn to talk, I'll stop saying that or this'. NEWSFLASH...that time is now. Just because they can't put all the syllables together doesn't mean they aren't getting the meaning behind your words. We are examples. We are gonna be gone one day and these children will be raising their children with the same morals, beliefs and values that they were taught, but more importantly; that they SAW!

What kind of example are you?

Don't sweat the small stuff...

So...

I didn't freak out when Drennen came home Sunday night with NO homework done while he had been at his fathers and he had to stay up until 9:30 on a school night to finish it. The old Whitney would have driven over to his fathers house and knocked on the door and said "Seriously? You wanna take a child away from me because I'm unstable, mental, suicidal, and incapable of raising Drennen when you can't even do 6 pages of homework every 2 weeks? Why don't you just go ahead and add homicidal to that list."

I didn't freak out when my phone died sometime in the night, therefore causing me to oversleep, making myself and Drennen VERY late today. The old Whitney would have thrown the blackberry across the room cursing as she went into a frantic fit.

I didn't freak out (much) when a stupid driver treated a stop light as a stop sign and nearly t-boned me this morning. The old Whitney would have honked her horn, flipped the birdie, and screamed that old people need to have their licenses' removed because they are all idiots! Along with some foul language.


I didn't freak out when I got to work and all the construction prevented me from parking anywhere within a 5 mile radius of work. The old Whitney would have walked right up to one of the construction guys that were standing around doing absolutely nothing and asked him what in the hell did he think he was doing standing there and when is this gonna be done, because it's absolutely ridiculous that it's so behind and what they "have completed" looks like total crap.

I didn't freak out when I got a hateful voicemail from the doctors office demanding a payment that I had made 3 days prior. The old Whitney would have called her back, told her that maybe she needed to get her facts straight before she calls and leaves a hateful voicemail like that on MY voicemail. I might even add a, who do you think you are in there.

AND, I didn't freak out when I called my lunch in a half hour ahead of picking it up and it wasn't even started when I got there. The old Whitney would have said "Are you freaking kidding me right now? What is the point of calling something in if you aren't gonna start it til I get there?"

But, I managed to not freak out in ANY of the above situations. Not sure if it's my pills finally taking effect; keeping me calm, cool, and collected, or if it's the constant visual reminder of little Kenzie on my desk at work and at home on my mantel helping me to remember the important things in life. Either way, even I am surprised at my own calm reactions.

However, I would probably stay out of my line of fire. I have a feeling that very soon something will happen and all the rage that I kept in from the above situations is gonna come out 10 fold on "some poor, innocent soul."

I just wanted you all to know that there is a possibility that I am becoming a little less crazy each day. Don't hold your breath or cross your fingers, as we have no proof that this is the case. Instead just simply smile and remember that 'No matter how crazy you feel at times, Whitney will always be crazier.'

Branching out....

Ok. So....Anyone who knows me knows that I don't deal with change well. It's almost always unwelcome and unappreciated. However, you know that there's always exceptions to the rule.

Last night I ventured into uncharted waters and went to "Girlfriends" at church. You all know that me and my ya-ya's are super tight and we very rarely venture out in to other groups. But the ya-ya's have hit rough waters lately and I felt like it was time I expand my horizons.

Don't get me wrong, there will never be a group of friends like us 8. We have been through way too much just to walk away and let hurtful words and silly arguments break us apart. If we are able to let those things get to us, then we truly aren't the group that we thought we were. I mean, if your best friend can't tell you what they think and the truth, then who can? And ladies... if any of you are reading...you know that we are bonded together by something stronger than anyone can even imagine. You know that when one of us hurt, the other hurts. You know that when one of us laugh, the other laughs. It's just the way we are. We might as well have the same blood flowing through our veins. We are one. Don't forget that.

So, in the midst of the crazy couple of weeks I had, I also made a couple new friends. I'm not gonna lie, it was actually hard for me. I am stubborn! (I know, this is shocking.) I like my group, I like the comfort and stability that we have, but I needed a change. I honestly can't handle any more drama right now. And at the same time, I need friends. So, this last weekend we hung out with 2 couples that we normaly don't hang out with. We had a BLAST! And you know who benefited the most? Kurt. He hit it off and has talked about the 2 guys ever since. That's awesome to see.

Now that my ADD has kicked in and I'm off track, let me get back to girlfiends! I had a FANTASTIC time. I really enjoyed myself and loved laughing with a fresh set of faces. I am excited to report that the men are golfing in the morning and I will be going to a "play date" with the ladies.

I know that most of you are thinking that this doesn't sound like me at all. And truly I never thought I would hear myself say the word "play date" and "me" in the same sentence.

You know how God is intervening? Well, his intervention is amazing and I am stoked about all the things he has in store for me. Until next time....

Help! I'm drowning.

Do you ever just feel like you are drowning in a sea of unfortunate events? That feels like my life lately. It's been one thing after another. The custody battle, Kenzer dying, Josh dying, my closest friends fighting, my grandpa on the edge of dying, my boss' three family members and friends dying, sick babies, sick mommy, and all the day to day struggles.

It seems that life has thrown so much at me lately. I always think in my head that God will not give me more than I can handle, and usually I feel so honored that he thinks so highly of me to give me all of this. But, I'm at my limits lately. I feel like I'm underwater and I've held my breath for as long as I can. I am doing my best not to let it bring me down. I don't wanna fall into that terrible place of depression, sadness, and anger.

Yesterday was not a great day. It was nothing life threatening, just one of those days where you wish you had stayed in bed. You guys know what I'm talking about. I skipped church last night to stay home with the babies and relieve my husband, who had been up 24 hours. The babies fell asleep early and I just sat there in the quiet. That doesn't happen a lot for me. I wanted to let the tears fall freely, but I just couldn't. Why? Because I feel like my life is under a microscope. I feel like with all this custody bull crap that I am not allowed to have a breakdown, in fear that it will be held against me. It's a tough road to walk.

I woke up this morning and tried to face the day with a better outlook and it seemed as if I was doing so. I put an old cd I found in the cd player and cranked it up as the babies clapped. A WOW christian cd from a few years back. Some of the greatest songs I have ever heard are on that cd. As I'm singing along and listening to the music, some lyrics cut their way into my heart.

'When I am down, and oh my soul so weary; when troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains, you raise me up to walk on stormy seas. I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raise me up, to more than I can be.'

Maybe I should have sat there in the silence last night and waited for God to come and sit with me. The only problem with that sentence is that he WAS sitting with me. I just didn't realize it. I never think about giving it all to God. Why? Why don't I think about that? I guess because I feel like I am superwoman and can take on so many things on my own. And for awhile, that works for me. But all of this, this is NOT working for me. So, today, I am sitting here typing this and giving it to God. This is in his hands. He never meant for me to carry this alone. Maybe he keeps throwing me curve balls until I'm willing to also let him catch them.

So, today I'm stepping off the home plate, and I'm sitting the bench. Join me. I hear the hotdogs and peanuts are great.