Help! I'm drowning.

Do you ever just feel like you are drowning in a sea of unfortunate events? That feels like my life lately. It's been one thing after another. The custody battle, Kenzer dying, Josh dying, my closest friends fighting, my grandpa on the edge of dying, my boss' three family members and friends dying, sick babies, sick mommy, and all the day to day struggles.

It seems that life has thrown so much at me lately. I always think in my head that God will not give me more than I can handle, and usually I feel so honored that he thinks so highly of me to give me all of this. But, I'm at my limits lately. I feel like I'm underwater and I've held my breath for as long as I can. I am doing my best not to let it bring me down. I don't wanna fall into that terrible place of depression, sadness, and anger.

Yesterday was not a great day. It was nothing life threatening, just one of those days where you wish you had stayed in bed. You guys know what I'm talking about. I skipped church last night to stay home with the babies and relieve my husband, who had been up 24 hours. The babies fell asleep early and I just sat there in the quiet. That doesn't happen a lot for me. I wanted to let the tears fall freely, but I just couldn't. Why? Because I feel like my life is under a microscope. I feel like with all this custody bull crap that I am not allowed to have a breakdown, in fear that it will be held against me. It's a tough road to walk.

I woke up this morning and tried to face the day with a better outlook and it seemed as if I was doing so. I put an old cd I found in the cd player and cranked it up as the babies clapped. A WOW christian cd from a few years back. Some of the greatest songs I have ever heard are on that cd. As I'm singing along and listening to the music, some lyrics cut their way into my heart.

'When I am down, and oh my soul so weary; when troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains, you raise me up to walk on stormy seas. I am strong when I am on your shoulders. You raise me up, to more than I can be.'

Maybe I should have sat there in the silence last night and waited for God to come and sit with me. The only problem with that sentence is that he WAS sitting with me. I just didn't realize it. I never think about giving it all to God. Why? Why don't I think about that? I guess because I feel like I am superwoman and can take on so many things on my own. And for awhile, that works for me. But all of this, this is NOT working for me. So, today, I am sitting here typing this and giving it to God. This is in his hands. He never meant for me to carry this alone. Maybe he keeps throwing me curve balls until I'm willing to also let him catch them.

So, today I'm stepping off the home plate, and I'm sitting the bench. Join me. I hear the hotdogs and peanuts are great.