Today I received a text from my dad, who's on business in Arkansas. He was letting us know that he had driven by the house we grew up in and how rough it looked, and that the big barn was gone. All at once a huge wave of pain and sadness overwhelmed me. As I sat there starting to recall some of the memories of my childhood, more texts from my mom and sister started to come in. Not only was our barn gone, the barn where I spent 90% of my childhood, but so was the Oak Grove Store where my granny used to work.
My granny has been gone for over 10 years now, but the memories I have of visiting her at that store will always be my favorite. We'd take a trip to town in the old pickup, almost always sitting in the very back. You could do that back then. Life was simpler. We would spend so much time searching for what we wanted, looking over every item; always settling on the same exact thing. Ashley, my sister, would always pick out a Pepsi and a Carmelo. I would always pick a pack of candy cigarettes and a pack of beef jerky that came in a tobacco shaped can. (I told mom today that surely that was a sign of the rebellion that was to come?) I can't recall what Levi, my brother, got. He was so little when we lived there. We would take it up to the front and granny would ring it up. I don't know if we got it for free because she worked there or if she or my dad paid for it. So many times we would sit behind the counter and help her. We would take money from the customers and pop the tops off the sodas for them using the bottle opener behind the counter. How many kids can say they did that?
While I have been blessed beyond measure with my husband and three children, the memories of my childhood and living on a farm just can't be compared. I can put on a dress, curl my hair, and rock some smoke eye make up with the best of them, but at my core you will find a country girl. That will never change. There are no city lights, no street noise and no traffic jams where I come from. There's just miles of hills, dirt roads and creeks. Creeks where we caught crawdads and pastures where we played in cow patties. But more than anything, my best memories were from views off the ground and on the back of a horse. I can't even put into words the joy that fills my heart and the smile that covers my face when I think about riding horses on our farm.
I would've traded in every friend I had for one of my horses. And that's saying something because I was just as social then as I am now! There's just a peace about a horse. There's a knowing that they have. They sense your fear. They sense your love and your joy. My favorite horse was named JoDee; after JoDee Messina. Only a country girl would name her horse after a country music singer.
While I ride around in an SUV instead of on the back of a sorrow quarter horse these days, I'm proud to say we still have a Ford pickup parked in the drive. We own land that will be the site of our future home. It will be where we teach our children how to shoot a gun, ride a horse, cast a line, and catch crawdads. More importantly than anything, it will be their Oak Grove. It will be the place they can recall one day with the, hopefully, the same smile when they think of the memories that they made there. And Lord willing, they can drive by it one day and never see it without rose colored glasses.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
For I know the plans...IN
Today wasn't my day. To be quite honest, the last month really hasn't been my month, but today just REALLY wasn't my day.
I found out around lunch that Drennen is in a class with no other friends this coming school year. We only have 8 boys in his class and they split down the middle in kindergarten. The other three made it into the other teachers class.
I've never been one to pick a teacher or make sure my son got who he wanted. I've always felt like God would put him where he needed/needs to be. But, when I found out that his security in that school, and the reason he gets up to go in the morning were all in the other class, my heart just crushed.
I dreaded telling him. The pain in my stomach, knowing what his reaction would be, was already too much.
I wanted to have him switched. I wanted to run down to the school. I wanted to cry. And I, in fact, did all of these. In my head I wrestled with the demon and the angel. The mom in me just had to "fix it". The Doubting Thomas in me kept asking if this was how it was supposed to be? Am I doubting what the father has planned?
After coffee with a friend, hasty prayers sent up, a phone call to my mother, (because that's how serious this was) and talking to Drennen's father, (Yes, yes it was that bad.) I headed to the school.
Thankfully Drennen's dad has sent an email ahead voicing our concerns and when I arrived, they were expecting me. The principal met me with an understanding heart. And while he heard me on not wanting to make waves, he also said I wasn't a complainer and never asked anything of the school. (All true.) They decided to switch Drennen but at the expense of someone else. This didn't sit well with me, either. How would I feel if it was my child that was switched all because "some kid didn't get his friends?" I felt the need to speak with the teacher he was assigned and get her thoughts. I was, after all, happy that he had been assigned to her.
After a long heart to heart, I just had this feeling that Drennen needed to stay in this class; with this teacher. And she convinced me to tell him about the list and see how he felt, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
I made my way down the hall to the summer program where Drennen was. I put on a smile and started the whole conversation in as bubbly a voice as I could muster without sounding too fake. I asked if he knew which teacher he got and he said no. I told him and he said, "Man, she's the mean one!" I said, "She's only mean if you make her." I let him know the first kid in his class was his friend. Drennen was happy he was in there because the other kids weren't nice to his friend and he was happy they were together. At this point, I lied. I lied and told him that they had done that on purpose. I told him that they knew he was a good friend to this boy and they wanted to make sure they were together. I then named off the other boys. One he was thrilled over, one he could take or leave and the other he didn't know. And then.... I waited.
I waited for the reality to wash over him as he realized that none of the rest of his group would be with him. After awhile, when he still hadn't mentioned them, I finally did. I said, "So, do you realize that this means your other friends got into the other class?" He said, "Oh, yeah, but I'll see them at lunch and at recess." That was it. There was no pain in his eyes. There was no tears streaming down his face. Doubting Thomas couldn't let it rest yet, though. "Are you sure you are good? I was kind of worried. I didn't know if I should try and change it or fix it?" "Mom! I'm fine. Seriously. I can see them a lot."
I couldn't stay another second. The tears that had threatened all day just wouldn't be held another minute.
I knew I needed to go back down to the office and cancel the switch. But I just couldn't. I had to get out of there.
I all but ran to my truck and slammed the door shut. And there I just let dam break.
Sometimes in life we expect too much out of our children. I am the top on the GUILTY list. I was raised to have perfect grades, to excel in extra curricular activities, and to be perfection. And it's almost impossible not to expect the same out of my children.
But, then there are days, like today, when we don't expect enough.
I sit here now knowing that God put him in the class he was intended to be in. He knows the plans he has for him. He knows the plans he has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future.
Only God could've changed the heart of my son today. I'm not saying this year will be a breeze, because I'm not stupid. But, I saw hope today..... I saw hope.
I found out around lunch that Drennen is in a class with no other friends this coming school year. We only have 8 boys in his class and they split down the middle in kindergarten. The other three made it into the other teachers class.
I've never been one to pick a teacher or make sure my son got who he wanted. I've always felt like God would put him where he needed/needs to be. But, when I found out that his security in that school, and the reason he gets up to go in the morning were all in the other class, my heart just crushed.
I dreaded telling him. The pain in my stomach, knowing what his reaction would be, was already too much.
I wanted to have him switched. I wanted to run down to the school. I wanted to cry. And I, in fact, did all of these. In my head I wrestled with the demon and the angel. The mom in me just had to "fix it". The Doubting Thomas in me kept asking if this was how it was supposed to be? Am I doubting what the father has planned?
After coffee with a friend, hasty prayers sent up, a phone call to my mother, (because that's how serious this was) and talking to Drennen's father, (Yes, yes it was that bad.) I headed to the school.
Thankfully Drennen's dad has sent an email ahead voicing our concerns and when I arrived, they were expecting me. The principal met me with an understanding heart. And while he heard me on not wanting to make waves, he also said I wasn't a complainer and never asked anything of the school. (All true.) They decided to switch Drennen but at the expense of someone else. This didn't sit well with me, either. How would I feel if it was my child that was switched all because "some kid didn't get his friends?" I felt the need to speak with the teacher he was assigned and get her thoughts. I was, after all, happy that he had been assigned to her.
After a long heart to heart, I just had this feeling that Drennen needed to stay in this class; with this teacher. And she convinced me to tell him about the list and see how he felt, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
I made my way down the hall to the summer program where Drennen was. I put on a smile and started the whole conversation in as bubbly a voice as I could muster without sounding too fake. I asked if he knew which teacher he got and he said no. I told him and he said, "Man, she's the mean one!" I said, "She's only mean if you make her." I let him know the first kid in his class was his friend. Drennen was happy he was in there because the other kids weren't nice to his friend and he was happy they were together. At this point, I lied. I lied and told him that they had done that on purpose. I told him that they knew he was a good friend to this boy and they wanted to make sure they were together. I then named off the other boys. One he was thrilled over, one he could take or leave and the other he didn't know. And then.... I waited.
I waited for the reality to wash over him as he realized that none of the rest of his group would be with him. After awhile, when he still hadn't mentioned them, I finally did. I said, "So, do you realize that this means your other friends got into the other class?" He said, "Oh, yeah, but I'll see them at lunch and at recess." That was it. There was no pain in his eyes. There was no tears streaming down his face. Doubting Thomas couldn't let it rest yet, though. "Are you sure you are good? I was kind of worried. I didn't know if I should try and change it or fix it?" "Mom! I'm fine. Seriously. I can see them a lot."
I couldn't stay another second. The tears that had threatened all day just wouldn't be held another minute.
I knew I needed to go back down to the office and cancel the switch. But I just couldn't. I had to get out of there.
I all but ran to my truck and slammed the door shut. And there I just let dam break.
Sometimes in life we expect too much out of our children. I am the top on the GUILTY list. I was raised to have perfect grades, to excel in extra curricular activities, and to be perfection. And it's almost impossible not to expect the same out of my children.
But, then there are days, like today, when we don't expect enough.
I sit here now knowing that God put him in the class he was intended to be in. He knows the plans he has for him. He knows the plans he has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future.
Only God could've changed the heart of my son today. I'm not saying this year will be a breeze, because I'm not stupid. But, I saw hope today..... I saw hope.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I'm still here....Old Drafts that were never published
Hey there....It's been almost a month since I wrote. Obviously I can use the excuse that is never doubted...."I have two year old twins." Kurt says I can't keep using that. I say I get until they are atleast 18; maybe even through college.
Without a doubt, October is always the busiest month of our year. It's College football season and we go to lots of games. It is also our anniversary and Halloween. All of that coupled together leaves us with no weekends. And this October, I found myself out of the house 3 nights a week for various meetings and such. Now that we are in November, I thought I'd catch a tiny little break, but so far that's just wishfull thinking.
I'm on our Personnell Committee at church this year. And we are in budget season, so as you can imagine that takes a lot of time, prayer, time and prayer!! To put it in perspective, our last meeting was 4 hours long. It's a hard committee to be on, but I know that I'm right where I need to be.
This morning, I caught a little break and decided to dust off my bible. HA! Truly, it's only been a week since I last opened it, but a week seems like an eternity when you live it without God. Of course, I haven't been completely without him. I've found myself in prayer a lot this week. A lot. There are a lot of decisions that have to be made in my life right now. They seem like they are all around me. And as I was sitting here writing this and thinking about it all, this song popped into my head. I think you need to hear the lyrics.
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....
You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life.
I don't feel like there need to be any words after this. May God bless you this week!
Without a doubt, October is always the busiest month of our year. It's College football season and we go to lots of games. It is also our anniversary and Halloween. All of that coupled together leaves us with no weekends. And this October, I found myself out of the house 3 nights a week for various meetings and such. Now that we are in November, I thought I'd catch a tiny little break, but so far that's just wishfull thinking.
I'm on our Personnell Committee at church this year. And we are in budget season, so as you can imagine that takes a lot of time, prayer, time and prayer!! To put it in perspective, our last meeting was 4 hours long. It's a hard committee to be on, but I know that I'm right where I need to be.
This morning, I caught a little break and decided to dust off my bible. HA! Truly, it's only been a week since I last opened it, but a week seems like an eternity when you live it without God. Of course, I haven't been completely without him. I've found myself in prayer a lot this week. A lot. There are a lot of decisions that have to be made in my life right now. They seem like they are all around me. And as I was sitting here writing this and thinking about it all, this song popped into my head. I think you need to hear the lyrics.
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'
You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....
You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life.
I don't feel like there need to be any words after this. May God bless you this week!
Broken Hearted Randomness
There are times I am too loud. There are times I am too bold. There are times I say what I think before I think about what I am saying. There are days I wear my heart on my sleeve, but most days it may appear that I simply just have a heart made of stone and on rare days; no heart at all. I could sit here all day and name you my flaws. They far out number the good in me at times. I have tried to live a life with as few regrets and apologies as one person should have. But, who's to say how many a person should or shouldn't have?
I have many regrets in my life. But, I choose to look at them as experiences that I learned lessons from. Sometimes those lessons cost me more than I could have ever imagined or thought possible, but to walk away from them without having learned anything would truly be the biggest mistake of all.
You can say a lot of negative things about me and I won't disagree with much. But, you can never say that I don't love with all of myself. You can never say that my loyalty was lacking. You can never say that my family isn't my everything. Yes, you can look back on a time where they didn't matter as much to me, but in the end you will find that I didn't mean anything to ME. And when you don't love yourself, it's almost impossible to love others. And what a wicked twist of the knife to know that the lack of love for ones self looks just like complete selfishness to the outside looking in.
You can never say that I was high maintenance. If I have ever wanted something in life, I have worked, prayed, climbed, clawed, and done whatever it took to get it myself. It will be no one's claim but my own and the good Lord who has blessed it upon me for all that I have. I was raised with a strong work ethic. It's what I pride myself on. It's a foundation on which I build myself and what I judge others on. While, I know we shouldn't judge, we all do it anyway. At least I'm picking something that the world surely should be held accountable and judged for.
You can never say that I didn't defend what I believe in. You will always know where you stand with me. You may not like it. I may not like it. But, there is a peace, still, in the knowing. To take for granted the loyalty that I so freely give will not end well. And it doesn't just end badly for others, it cuts me too. I don't think people get that. When I have to cut out an entire chunk from my life and from my heart, the stone persona that has walked before me fails me. It fails me on the outside. It allows others to think that I don't care. It allows others to think that I wasn't even phased. But, once again, I hear my father. I hear him saying, "Get back on the saddle. If you don't now, you never will." And so there I am, with a foot in a stirrup swinging myself around. It's automatic. It's almost robotic. Some call it strength. I call it being.
And while I'm up there and I appear to have it all together, leading this horse home, but not letting her run...I can let the wind carry off the few tears that threaten to escape me.
If I am shaken, it will be momentarily. If I fall off, you can always place your money on me getting back up. It will always happen. It is not a choice. It is not about pride. It is not about strength. It is simply me.
x
So, I walked away.
And while the wind may have caught a tear or two, may you find comfort in knowing.... that mare is resting, peacefully, after a long hard ride.
I have many regrets in my life. But, I choose to look at them as experiences that I learned lessons from. Sometimes those lessons cost me more than I could have ever imagined or thought possible, but to walk away from them without having learned anything would truly be the biggest mistake of all.
You can say a lot of negative things about me and I won't disagree with much. But, you can never say that I don't love with all of myself. You can never say that my loyalty was lacking. You can never say that my family isn't my everything. Yes, you can look back on a time where they didn't matter as much to me, but in the end you will find that I didn't mean anything to ME. And when you don't love yourself, it's almost impossible to love others. And what a wicked twist of the knife to know that the lack of love for ones self looks just like complete selfishness to the outside looking in.
You can never say that I was high maintenance. If I have ever wanted something in life, I have worked, prayed, climbed, clawed, and done whatever it took to get it myself. It will be no one's claim but my own and the good Lord who has blessed it upon me for all that I have. I was raised with a strong work ethic. It's what I pride myself on. It's a foundation on which I build myself and what I judge others on. While, I know we shouldn't judge, we all do it anyway. At least I'm picking something that the world surely should be held accountable and judged for.
You can never say that I didn't defend what I believe in. You will always know where you stand with me. You may not like it. I may not like it. But, there is a peace, still, in the knowing. To take for granted the loyalty that I so freely give will not end well. And it doesn't just end badly for others, it cuts me too. I don't think people get that. When I have to cut out an entire chunk from my life and from my heart, the stone persona that has walked before me fails me. It fails me on the outside. It allows others to think that I don't care. It allows others to think that I wasn't even phased. But, once again, I hear my father. I hear him saying, "Get back on the saddle. If you don't now, you never will." And so there I am, with a foot in a stirrup swinging myself around. It's automatic. It's almost robotic. Some call it strength. I call it being.
And while I'm up there and I appear to have it all together, leading this horse home, but not letting her run...I can let the wind carry off the few tears that threaten to escape me.
If I am shaken, it will be momentarily. If I fall off, you can always place your money on me getting back up. It will always happen. It is not a choice. It is not about pride. It is not about strength. It is simply me.
x
So, I walked away.
And while the wind may have caught a tear or two, may you find comfort in knowing.... that mare is resting, peacefully, after a long hard ride.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Drafts that were Never Posted.
We are gonna just pretend it hasn't been 7 months since I last blogged. I will sum it up with a one word excuse and we will move on. Twins. :)
......
I am having one of those weeks. The emotional breakdown kind. I'm pretty sure tonight's tears were caused in large part due to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy season finales. My gosh, they have amazing writers. I am also sitting in my pajamas in the dark crying due to the fact that my son informed me that in one week he will be a 4th grader. And to cap it off, Harper asked me today if we were still gonna have a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party. For them! In two months!! Because my babies are going to be 3. I can't take it.
There truly have been a lot of factors and stresses going on this week. We are making HUGE decisions in our lives and it's got us all a little rattled. Hopefully most of these decisions will lead us to greater things.
Perhaps one of the main reasons that my heart is crying is the fact that one of my best friends in the whole world is getting married this weekend. A really long chapter of my life is coming to an end. I guess to be fair it ended a long time ago. But you just can't help but think of it all when they are getting ready to walk down the aisle. I wish I was going to be there. And yet, I'm not sure I could get far enough away. It's kind of one of those situations where you know when the preacher asks "Is there anyone hear who can give a reason why these two shouldn't be wed? Speak now or forever hold you peace," that you don't trust yourself to hold it. The peace that is. And what a stupid phrase. If you were even considering speaking your reasons for two people not to get married, then how can you hold on to that and call it peace?? I know there are people who sit there in that pew and think, 'God please make me a mute until this wedding ends.' And then in the same thought process, 'God I hope there's and open bar.' I've never been there until now. And that's why I won't be attending. Well that and the fact that I wasn't invited. HA! That may factor in just a bit.
I just wonder if there are situations that you just never fully get over. Ones where no matter how much time passes, and no matter how happy you have become, you still can't see a picture or hear a song without wanting to crumble and hide under a rock in the fetal position. Thank goodness the band I can't listen to ISN'T Rascall Flats! That would be just to much to bare. And it's not that I can't listen to it. It's just that songs tie you to a specific place in time. And sometimes that place is a good one, and in my case it's a great one. The problem isn't that past place in time. It's the present. It hurts in the present because you can't go back to the past. You can't relive those days and years. You can't change the decisions that were made, the things that were said, and more importantly; the things that weren't. And the irony of it all is that I wouldn't want anything to change! That makes no sense I'm sure. But once you've had some time to recover and step away from situations you are able to see that things happened exactly the way there were supposed to. And, yes, there are times you still want to cry and scream and punch a wall, but you still know that you are right where you need to be. And where you want to be.
So here's my peace. It's a broken, distorted view of peace, but here it is anyway. If I were there to be the best man or the maid of honor here is what I would say:
You have been a part of my life when my life was in a million parts. You held my hand, caught my tears and said more in your silence than one could ever voice. For all of these years I have waited and watched as you searched for the missing piece to your puzzle. The thing about puzzles is that a piece can seem so perfect when you hold it up, and yet when you try to link it together, your realize it's just a tiny bit off. And it's not until you find that exact fit that your puzzle can be complete. So on this day, as you link your piece with another, I pray that you never see the edges again. I pray that you always stay one person. I pray that on your darkest days and through your hardest trials, that you look up and remember who brought you to each other. All I have ever wanted for you is happiness and I am SO glad that you have found it. May you look back on your life and know that every tear, laugh, and step you took led you to this very moment. And that in this moment you can say, "Man, it was worth it."
......
I am having one of those weeks. The emotional breakdown kind. I'm pretty sure tonight's tears were caused in large part due to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy season finales. My gosh, they have amazing writers. I am also sitting in my pajamas in the dark crying due to the fact that my son informed me that in one week he will be a 4th grader. And to cap it off, Harper asked me today if we were still gonna have a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party. For them! In two months!! Because my babies are going to be 3. I can't take it.
There truly have been a lot of factors and stresses going on this week. We are making HUGE decisions in our lives and it's got us all a little rattled. Hopefully most of these decisions will lead us to greater things.
Perhaps one of the main reasons that my heart is crying is the fact that one of my best friends in the whole world is getting married this weekend. A really long chapter of my life is coming to an end. I guess to be fair it ended a long time ago. But you just can't help but think of it all when they are getting ready to walk down the aisle. I wish I was going to be there. And yet, I'm not sure I could get far enough away. It's kind of one of those situations where you know when the preacher asks "Is there anyone hear who can give a reason why these two shouldn't be wed? Speak now or forever hold you peace," that you don't trust yourself to hold it. The peace that is. And what a stupid phrase. If you were even considering speaking your reasons for two people not to get married, then how can you hold on to that and call it peace?? I know there are people who sit there in that pew and think, 'God please make me a mute until this wedding ends.' And then in the same thought process, 'God I hope there's and open bar.' I've never been there until now. And that's why I won't be attending. Well that and the fact that I wasn't invited. HA! That may factor in just a bit.
I just wonder if there are situations that you just never fully get over. Ones where no matter how much time passes, and no matter how happy you have become, you still can't see a picture or hear a song without wanting to crumble and hide under a rock in the fetal position. Thank goodness the band I can't listen to ISN'T Rascall Flats! That would be just to much to bare. And it's not that I can't listen to it. It's just that songs tie you to a specific place in time. And sometimes that place is a good one, and in my case it's a great one. The problem isn't that past place in time. It's the present. It hurts in the present because you can't go back to the past. You can't relive those days and years. You can't change the decisions that were made, the things that were said, and more importantly; the things that weren't. And the irony of it all is that I wouldn't want anything to change! That makes no sense I'm sure. But once you've had some time to recover and step away from situations you are able to see that things happened exactly the way there were supposed to. And, yes, there are times you still want to cry and scream and punch a wall, but you still know that you are right where you need to be. And where you want to be.
So here's my peace. It's a broken, distorted view of peace, but here it is anyway. If I were there to be the best man or the maid of honor here is what I would say:
You have been a part of my life when my life was in a million parts. You held my hand, caught my tears and said more in your silence than one could ever voice. For all of these years I have waited and watched as you searched for the missing piece to your puzzle. The thing about puzzles is that a piece can seem so perfect when you hold it up, and yet when you try to link it together, your realize it's just a tiny bit off. And it's not until you find that exact fit that your puzzle can be complete. So on this day, as you link your piece with another, I pray that you never see the edges again. I pray that you always stay one person. I pray that on your darkest days and through your hardest trials, that you look up and remember who brought you to each other. All I have ever wanted for you is happiness and I am SO glad that you have found it. May you look back on your life and know that every tear, laugh, and step you took led you to this very moment. And that in this moment you can say, "Man, it was worth it."
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Back in it...
It feels like I am a month behind in my blogging. Oh wait...that's because I am!
I have so much to tell.
In the beginning of October I took over a business for a friend. I am now a representative for Miche Handbags. It has been a wonderful experience so far, and I have been so busy with it. Now I know why Sarah had to pass it on to someone else.
I have spent most weekends forming new relationships and new friendships. It's exciting to begin new chapters and I never expected it to go so well. Then again, I'm a people person and get along with most. This is not to say that I have completely wiped out the ya-yas. Yes, our group as a whole is no longer together, however, I have maintained friendships with most. I know that my previous blog made it sound like I wrote them all off. It's still very awkward for me as I have said before, I was so dependant on some of them and dependent on our "family" type friendship. I love them all dearly, and I think I just look at the whole situation differently. It's a positive difference.
I continue to see my shrink on a biweekly basis. The meds are working!!! I totally feel like I am leading a more even tempered life. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it all happened at this time in my life. I know that God saw the events that I have delt with in the last couple of months and knew that I needed to be a little more mentally sane before I had to deal with them.
I have been toying with the idea of starting a Bipolar/Mental Disorder awareness/support group in our area. That's basically as far as I've gotten in that it's still rattling around in my head. It's just so important to me that others understand this. I mean, you can only understand up to a certain point. If you don't have a mental disorder, you can't possibly 100% grasp the extent of it.
My children are great. It feels like on of the three are almost always sick, but I think that comes with the territory. Harper has now joined Bayler in the walking adventure, and so I spend my nights and weekends literally running after them. Whew...you wanna stay skinny. Have twin 15 month olds running around you!
I think this about catches you up to present day. I am busy with work, and looking forward to the holiday season here at the studio and at home. Thanksgiving in my favorite holiday and I can't wait to spend it with our family!
That's it for now. Catch you on the flip side.
I have so much to tell.
In the beginning of October I took over a business for a friend. I am now a representative for Miche Handbags. It has been a wonderful experience so far, and I have been so busy with it. Now I know why Sarah had to pass it on to someone else.
I have spent most weekends forming new relationships and new friendships. It's exciting to begin new chapters and I never expected it to go so well. Then again, I'm a people person and get along with most. This is not to say that I have completely wiped out the ya-yas. Yes, our group as a whole is no longer together, however, I have maintained friendships with most. I know that my previous blog made it sound like I wrote them all off. It's still very awkward for me as I have said before, I was so dependant on some of them and dependent on our "family" type friendship. I love them all dearly, and I think I just look at the whole situation differently. It's a positive difference.
I continue to see my shrink on a biweekly basis. The meds are working!!! I totally feel like I am leading a more even tempered life. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it all happened at this time in my life. I know that God saw the events that I have delt with in the last couple of months and knew that I needed to be a little more mentally sane before I had to deal with them.
I have been toying with the idea of starting a Bipolar/Mental Disorder awareness/support group in our area. That's basically as far as I've gotten in that it's still rattling around in my head. It's just so important to me that others understand this. I mean, you can only understand up to a certain point. If you don't have a mental disorder, you can't possibly 100% grasp the extent of it.
My children are great. It feels like on of the three are almost always sick, but I think that comes with the territory. Harper has now joined Bayler in the walking adventure, and so I spend my nights and weekends literally running after them. Whew...you wanna stay skinny. Have twin 15 month olds running around you!
I think this about catches you up to present day. I am busy with work, and looking forward to the holiday season here at the studio and at home. Thanksgiving in my favorite holiday and I can't wait to spend it with our family!
That's it for now. Catch you on the flip side.
Friday, November 5, 2010
It's been too long...
Wow, over a month since I last posted. Can't believe that. You seriously can't imagine how busy October was for me. INSANE!
I reread my last post to see where I left off. It was kind of a sad note. I wish I could say that October got better. The first part was truly rough. I said so long to another good friend. One of my best friends, actually. It hurt a lot. It still does. I think about him daily. But I know that my decision to walk away was the right one, for sooooo many reasons.
The ya-ya's are no more. Any chance I thought we had at mending it all has diminished for me. And to tell you the truth, I think it was all for the best. I keep looking back to my Divine Intervention blog. Losing your closest friends is defintely a life interruption. But throughout the last month, God has shown me the Intervention that he needed me to see.
But not all is lost...I have started some really great friendships with some really great people. It's refreshing and nice. And most of all, there hasn't been drama. Cross our fingers! I hate change. Absolutely hate it. But this is one time that the change was so GOOD!
There's so much more to tell, but it's holiday season here at the studio! And as you can imagine, we are SWAMPED!
Ta ta for now.
I reread my last post to see where I left off. It was kind of a sad note. I wish I could say that October got better. The first part was truly rough. I said so long to another good friend. One of my best friends, actually. It hurt a lot. It still does. I think about him daily. But I know that my decision to walk away was the right one, for sooooo many reasons.
The ya-ya's are no more. Any chance I thought we had at mending it all has diminished for me. And to tell you the truth, I think it was all for the best. I keep looking back to my Divine Intervention blog. Losing your closest friends is defintely a life interruption. But throughout the last month, God has shown me the Intervention that he needed me to see.
But not all is lost...I have started some really great friendships with some really great people. It's refreshing and nice. And most of all, there hasn't been drama. Cross our fingers! I hate change. Absolutely hate it. But this is one time that the change was so GOOD!
There's so much more to tell, but it's holiday season here at the studio! And as you can imagine, we are SWAMPED!
Ta ta for now.
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