We are gonna just pretend it hasn't been 7 months since I last blogged. I will sum it up with a one word excuse and we will move on. Twins. :)
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I am having one of those weeks. The emotional breakdown kind. I'm pretty sure tonight's tears were caused in large part due to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy season finales. My gosh, they have amazing writers. I am also sitting in my pajamas in the dark crying due to the fact that my son informed me that in one week he will be a 4th grader. And to cap it off, Harper asked me today if we were still gonna have a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party. For them! In two months!! Because my babies are going to be 3. I can't take it.
There truly have been a lot of factors and stresses going on this week. We are making HUGE decisions in our lives and it's got us all a little rattled. Hopefully most of these decisions will lead us to greater things.
Perhaps one of the main reasons that my heart is crying is the fact that one of my best friends in the whole world is getting married this weekend. A really long chapter of my life is coming to an end. I guess to be fair it ended a long time ago. But you just can't help but think of it all when they are getting ready to walk down the aisle. I wish I was going to be there. And yet, I'm not sure I could get far enough away. It's kind of one of those situations where you know when the preacher asks "Is there anyone hear who can give a reason why these two shouldn't be wed? Speak now or forever hold you peace," that you don't trust yourself to hold it. The peace that is. And what a stupid phrase. If you were even considering speaking your reasons for two people not to get married, then how can you hold on to that and call it peace?? I know there are people who sit there in that pew and think, 'God please make me a mute until this wedding ends.' And then in the same thought process, 'God I hope there's and open bar.' I've never been there until now. And that's why I won't be attending. Well that and the fact that I wasn't invited. HA! That may factor in just a bit.
I just wonder if there are situations that you just never fully get over. Ones where no matter how much time passes, and no matter how happy you have become, you still can't see a picture or hear a song without wanting to crumble and hide under a rock in the fetal position. Thank goodness the band I can't listen to ISN'T Rascall Flats! That would be just to much to bare. And it's not that I can't listen to it. It's just that songs tie you to a specific place in time. And sometimes that place is a good one, and in my case it's a great one. The problem isn't that past place in time. It's the present. It hurts in the present because you can't go back to the past. You can't relive those days and years. You can't change the decisions that were made, the things that were said, and more importantly; the things that weren't. And the irony of it all is that I wouldn't want anything to change! That makes no sense I'm sure. But once you've had some time to recover and step away from situations you are able to see that things happened exactly the way there were supposed to. And, yes, there are times you still want to cry and scream and punch a wall, but you still know that you are right where you need to be. And where you want to be.
So here's my peace. It's a broken, distorted view of peace, but here it is anyway. If I were there to be the best man or the maid of honor here is what I would say:
You have been a part of my life when my life was in a million parts. You held my hand, caught my tears and said more in your silence than one could ever voice. For all of these years I have waited and watched as you searched for the missing piece to your puzzle. The thing about puzzles is that a piece can seem so perfect when you hold it up, and yet when you try to link it together, your realize it's just a tiny bit off. And it's not until you find that exact fit that your puzzle can be complete. So on this day, as you link your piece with another, I pray that you never see the edges again. I pray that you always stay one person. I pray that on your darkest days and through your hardest trials, that you look up and remember who brought you to each other. All I have ever wanted for you is happiness and I am SO glad that you have found it. May you look back on your life and know that every tear, laugh, and step you took led you to this very moment. And that in this moment you can say, "Man, it was worth it."
