No words

As I type, I'm listening to Kurt yelling at the twins who are spitting their dinner out and throwing their sippy cups on the floor. It's pretty much fitting for the day I have had and the mood I am in.

Work has been absolutely nuts. We have been swamped with a baby contest and I seriously have come close to insanity. I do love my job, though, and it's fun, so that makes it all worth it. I'm not gonna lie, though, I'll be thrilled when it's over!

I came home last night after a crazy day and was able to sit for a brief second before I had to run again. Story of my life these days. As I was ready to walk out the door, I hollered at Drennen to come say bye. When he walked into the living room, I literally choked. He had decided that he no longer liked his bangs and had taken care of the issue with his new school scissors! Folks, I'm seriously surprised he wasn't bleeding, that's how short it was. The first and only thing I could think of was my sisters wedding is in THREE Days and he is IN it! Of course, I freaked. I mean you would have to if you had seen it. I was just so upset. I screamed and yelled and ran out the door, late to my plans, leaving Drennen crying in the living room.

I finally got ahold of my sister who laughed hysterically about it. I'm not so sure she will be as cool when she sees his bald head come Friday. I guess we will find out. The rest of my night went great. Well, as great as it could with me being so upset. After I had calmed down, I dialed home. Drennen was still very upset and I apologized for freaking out on him. He was upset because he didn't realize he was gonna end up with a shaved head. Bald is not his favorite. But I realized that being bald was punishment enough, especially when school starts in just a few short weeks.

So....here I am 24 hours later, and it seems like the house hold is still in chaos. I have come to realize it just goes with the territory. But as I check in on each of my three precious children each night after all is quiet and I'm the only one still awake, I know that there is truly no greater reward than the joy that each of them brings. Life is too short to sweat the bad hair days. Lord knows I have had many of them myself.

Heck, I'm having one today!

Shrink it up!

Yesterday was the much anticipated, highly talked about, much needed SHRINK appointment! (folks, this is NOT sarcasm) I switched docs and I must say WHOLY MOLY! I had heard he was easy on the eyes, but DANG! He is a good looking man! Probably old enough to be my father, but still hot nonetheless.

I was very comfortable with him. He was easy to talk to, but hey, I could easily talk to a fence post! I must say that I learned a lot, and that's big for me. I feel like I am highly educated on bipolar disorder, and so when I learn something new, I am fascinated!

As I talked about earlier, I LOVE my highs. For this reason, I have always only taken and antidepressant to control my lows. I learned yesterday that this actually makes your bipolar worse. Every time that you have a mood swing, you destroy neurons in your brain. After time, you will have done the same things to your brain that being on crack for years will do! That's pretty insane....LITERALLY! So, by treating one side of the disorder, I have left myself wide open to the mood swings and in doing so I have been destroying my brain for YEARS!

There are 3 types of drugs that you treat mental illness with. Antidepressants, anti psychotics, and mood stabilizers. I now know that you should NEVER use an antidepressant to treat bipolar. Instead you should be on a mood stabilizer and in some cases, an anti psychotic. Lucky for me, I need both of these. The anti psychotic is a drug that helps my brain learn to shut down at night and help make me a little more normal. The mood stabilizer is just what it sounds like. It helps keep me from extreme up and downs.

My doctor like how I described my highs. I always say it's like being on crack, but it's free and it's legal. Who wants to give that up? But like he pointed out, it's hurting me just as if I was on crack. And who wants that? He is very confident that getting me well is possible. The problem lies within myself. It's giving up my 'drug' that will be the difficult task. I just have to remind myself that it's not real. I wouldn't want my children on a drug, even if it made them feel better and actually helped them. I need to treat myself just as well.

Seriously, GOOGLE it! One day it will be table time talk! You don't want to be the uneducated idiot at the dinner table...DO YOU?

Happy @#$%^^& Birthday!

My babies turned 1 yesterday. This DOES NOT make me happy. I spent my day in tears thinking about it. I can no longer tell people their age in months. I now have to say a year. It's heartbreaking knowing these two are my last and that the infant stage is now gone forever. I never thought it would bother me as much as it has. It's one more thing I'm gonna blame on the menopause.

So...today is the big party. I think I invited close to 70 people. They won't all come of course, but it will be a good crowd. I have had their party planned for months. Pink and Green is our theme. I wanted kind of classy and simple. I did their invites myself at work and spent a good week on them. They turned out amazing, I might add. I had their one year pics taken and printed on metal, as I do all their pics, and they will be on display on the head table. The only "decor" I really had was custom balloons. I had a giant H printed in green, a B printed in pink, and a #1 printed in white. I also did a few other latex arrangements for the party. I have a giant 2 tier cake made by the best. All in pink and green. Everyone kind of made fun of me when I did my ordering so far in advance. I told them I was neurotic and that I was having surgery in a week and wasn't sure what recovery would be like. They all, kindly took my orders, while snickering at the fact that I'm so anal.

So, this morning I wake up to a phone call from the balloon shop. "Mrs. Cromley, um, we just wanted to tell you that your balloons didn't come in." WHAT?!!! How is that possible. I ordered them 6 weeks ago! "Yeah, we are sorry. They just didn't make it in time." WHAT?!!! How is that possible? I ordered them 6 WEEKS AGO! So, I got myself up out of bed and down to the shop. They had nothing. I have no H, no B and I settled on this tacky #1. Did they offer to discount? Oooooohhhh NNNNOOOOO! Not one penny off my order. Are you kidding me? So, as I turned to leave, she says "come back again." Umm.....yeah.....sure thing!

As I get in my car and pull out into traffic to head to walmart, I'm fuming. This is why I'm a crazy hot mess. And again, the ya ya theme rings in my ears...."I don't need crazy pills, I just need people to stop being stupid!" I stop at the light while thinking this exact thing. All of a suddden....WHACK! I am rear ened! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Really? I mean Really? I get out, in the middle of traffic and take a look at the car... It's fine. I'm pretty sure that my whole body will be killing me later, but the car is fine. As I go to get driver information, I realize......I'm ALONE! There is no other car, there is no other driver.

I get back in my car, and make my why to Walmart...which is the last place I wanna be after that. I made my way home thirty minutes later and spill out my morning to Kurt. He just reaches out his arms and hugs me. I just let the tears fall.

It's been the longest day ever.....OH CRAP! It's only 9:30 AM!

Cloudy with a chance of CRAZY!

Today was insane. I mean INSANE! Work was nuts, and by nuts I mean 2 live radio interviews, 8 photo sessions, 5 viewings, and the phones ringing off the hook! At one point I wanted to throw my phone out the window! My phone is one of those "smart" phones and so I am alerted every time I get a call, text, email (from 3 different accounts), myspace, and facebook. So, needless to say, it goes off....A LOT! My husband hates it. Probably because it plays a different song for every alert and person!

While running along on this crazy day, I got an alert from my email. 9 times out of 10, it's from the ya ya's! We spoke about them previously. I always check my email when it's the ya ya's. You never know if one will need me. Today's emailed showed that they did. One of our girls lost her brother in law a short while back, and yesterday her father was diagnosed with cancer. Today's email was about 2 more tragedies related to her brother in law's friends. She was asking for prayer. I would be too. I simply replied with my usual life verse. "The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." And I let her know I would be praying.

I felt the need to share a little about what this verse has done for me. I was married in October of 2008. In November, about 3 weeks later, I got pregnant. At 7 weeks along, before most people even know they are pregnant, I was told I was having twins. I gotta tell you...it didn't sit well. I cried like a baby for 36 weeks. On the very day I found out I was pregnant, my friend Mindy sent me this verse via email. "The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." At this point, no one knew I was pregnant.

My pregnancy was by far the hardest situation I have ever been through. I started getting sick at 8 weeks and lost over 20lbs in a matter of weeks. I'm a small person, so 20lbs is a huge deal. Everything that I put in my mouth came out. At 20 weeks along I started contractions and was put on bed rest. I drove over an hour multiple times a week for 4 months to be "stressed tested" and poked with a dozen needles. I became so ill that I had to have a blood transfusion. Of course, this is me we are talking about and so, of course, I had an allergic reaction to the blood! For 9 months I went through hell. And I mean hell. I became very depressed. 2 weeks before I delivered I thought I was in labor. I was rushed to the hospital to learn that my blood pressure was through the roof. I was taken by ambulance to Columbia where I stayed a few days to determine if I had preclampsia and to see if they would have to take the babies. I prayed they would. I had had enough. I couldn't take it another minute. To make matters worse, I was put on the floor with all the mothers who had already delivered because they were so full. Talk about making a depressed woman worse. I literally HATED the babies growing inside me.

After a few days there I was released...STILL PREGNANT! A few days later, I took a little drive. I came upon the intersection of 50 and 65. It was at that moment I decided to end my life. I saw a semi coming and floored it. All I can say is that my car slowly turned right and into the Taco Bell parking lot. I was in the drivers seat that day, but I wasn't the one steering that wheel. As I sat in the parking lot shaking, that verse popped into my head. "The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

I was admitted into the hospital that day and underwent numerous psychological reviews. I was crazy! Seriously! I was only released into the custody of my parents where I stayed for a week until I delivered my sweet baby girls. As I held them for the first time on July 23rd of 2009, a year ago this Friday, I can not tell you the amount of love that welled up in my heart. There are truly no words.

When I say to you face to face, in a text, in an email, that 'The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you', I mean it. They are words I say because I know them to be true. It is by God's Grace and God's Grace alone that I am alive today.

"The will of God will NEVER take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

I am living proof!

Life is a highway...

I'm feeling great today. The weather is nice, the sun is shining and my heart is happy. I had a great chat with a young man at vacation bible school yesterday. It's amazing to me how inspiring some of our youth can be. I only wish I had been half as mature at that age! It's so amazing to me to see how God works so differently in every one's life.

This kid has dreams, and goals, and potential to accomplish them all. At 18, I was worrying about where my next meal would come from and who I was going out with that weekend. Sometimes I think that this generation is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. There is so much sin in the world today that I forget good does still exist. I refuse to watch the news at night because you can't watch it for 3 seconds without hearing about someone being killed.

It got me thinking...What do I bring to this world?

I gave my testimony a few months back and I was truly SHOCKED at the lives it touched. I received so many emails, cards, letters. It really hit one person in particular. A troubled teenage mother to be with a pretty crappy home life. I could relate! This girls story really made my heart break. It was SO similar to my own, except that I pushed my family away. Her mom doesn't care about her. Her mom is down right hateful if you really wanna know. In the past 7 months since I gave my testimony, I have taken her under my wing. I told God right before I told my story that if he could just allow me to reach one person, then all the heartache and trouble I went through would be worth it. This is my person. I have a real chance to change someones life. Do you know what kind of power that is? It's scary. But I know that God put me in her direct path for a reason. I know that without the help of sooooo many people back then, that I wouldn't be here typing this blog now. In fact, I know that I would be 6 feet under. This is my chance to pay it forward for all that was paid to me.

I was always told 'You are either an example or an example of what not to be.'

I have now covered both! Which are you?

Eat, Live, Pray

What a joy it was to be back to church today! It had been 3 weeks, but man, it felt like an eternity. I said something today that made me stop and think. I said I was so excited to get back to church because "I miss my Jesus."

I know in the last few weeks our household has been hectic, to say the least. All schedules were tossed out the window, all routine was dismissed, every sense of normalcy was gone. And I guess in the midst of that, I lost my Jesus too.

Sometimes in life we lose our Jesus. We lose our way. We lose our purpose. It's so easy to call on him when we need him the most, and lose him when we think we don't. Often times I find that when I think I don't need him, that's when my world comes undone. Maybe that's him saying "Whitney! HELLO! YOU NEED ME!" I know that in our house it's eat, live, pray. We go through the day feeding our kids, living our lives, and praying at mealtime and bed time. It's so easy for me to forget that I need a daily time with the one who has never forsaken me. Especially, when I feel alone.

It kind of dawned on me today when I said I missed my Jesus that maybe Jesus missed me too. The problem with that statement is...HE never went anywhere. I'm so guilty of saying to him, "why did you leave me?" I know in my heart that he is always there. He always has been. I let my world get so chaotic and so busy that I forget to go to the one who has blessed me beyond words. It is him that I owe everything to. And the best thing about our Lord and Savior is that no matter how many times we push him away, forget him, or lose him, he is ALWAYS there when we find our way back to him.

Do you miss your Jesus? Maybe it's time you find him!

Part 2..Manic Mania

So, as promised I'm keeping you posted on my manic episode. I go see my shrink next Monday and I'm not gonna lie, I'm super excited. I can't tell you how strongly I feel about having a shrink. I think every single person needs to go to one. There is nothing better than having an outside, objective opinion who will ALWAYS be your ally. I mean, let's face it, you can't put a price tag on that. Well...you can...and it's expensive...but well worth it. :)

I got my appetite back about 3 days ago. Down to 107lbs. It's not completely there yet, but at least I'm eating something each day. I think I had a 3 day period where not a single bite of food reached my mouth. That's scary!

I went to another visitation this week. A 20 year old. That's hard. All funerals are hard, but when they are younger than me, it just hits a little harder. I was reminded of all the loss that we have been hit with this past year. And if anything will bring you down from a manic episode, it's death.

I have started to sleep about 3-5 hours a night! YAY! I'm very excited about that. If my kids weren't sick this week, and up all night, I'm thinking I would've slept a little better. I'm still feeling like a basket case. I even called my mom requesting prayer. You know it's serious then! She told me it was hormones and to be nice to Kurt! haha! I think she knows me or something. I also feel like I haven't seen him since my surgery. It's weird. But tonight we are changing that and going on a date! YAY! Headed to watch the auditions for Missouri Idol. I have tossed around the idea of auditioning myself but I think I'm gonna wait. I don't know why. Fear of rejection I'm sure. But I can't wait to post about the tryouts on tomorrows blog.

Thanks for all the prayers and nice thoughts. Here is a pic of the babies... the ones who are gonna be the death of me! HAHA!

Mommy needs a timeout.

So....all week long I have had twin girls teething! BOTH! Fever is high and babies are cranky. Daddy is cranky too because he works nights and neither are able to go to daycare. I can't stay home because I just started back to work. I am feeling a bit tired this week. The continuous nights of no sleep are starting to catch up with me.

I emailed my mother yesterday asking her to pray for me because I seriously think I am losing my mind. She said it's hormones and I wasn't going crazy. HA..she hasn't been around me. This week, though, I have been reminded of why I work.

When Kurt started working for my dad last year, it left me with the option of not working. I thought about it for about 8 seconds. I HAVE to work. It's just not in me to not. I enjoy working. I feel good about working. I did take a part time job and it makes me so happy. I enjoy it so much. I have had a lot of people that have asked me why I would work if I didn't have to, instead of staying home with my kids. The answer to that is simple. I'm a better mother for working. God blessed me with a lot of things in my life, but patience was not one of them. It's not rewarding me to be at home with them all day. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. I love them to full capacity when I come home to them each day. When I am home with them constantly, I am not able to cherish them the way I should. And I don't think that makes me a bad mother. I am able to recognize that I am best when I am working. There should be no shame in that. It's just like when I hated pregnancy. I got so many looks and opinions over that. My doctor put it best one day. For me, personally, to love pregnancy was like asking someone to love cancer. My body went through hell and back for 9 months. The girls literally sucked the life out of me. It's hard to love something that makes you puke multiple times a day for 36 weeks. It's hard to love being poked with needles twice a week for months. It's hard to love losing so much blood that you need multiple transfusions. It's hard to love losing your mind and wanting to hurt yourself.

All of that is the same at being a stay at home mom for me. I can't love my children the way I need to when I am with them 24/7. And I'm ok with that. Why can't others be?

I don't really feel like you should ever judge anyone for the decisions they make. You haven't been in their shoes, so you don't know what they are going through. SO...if working makes you a better person and mother, WORK! DOn't worry about what others think. I certainly don't...

Really? It's gonna be that kind of day?

As most of you know by now, I just had major surgery a couple weeks ago. While I feel great, I know that my feelings can be decieving. I am still on strict orders not to pick up my kids for 4 more weeks. That being said...my husband works nights. We have been very lucky in that our parents have watched the kids overnight on the off chance that one would wake up and need to be picked up. Last night, however, that ended.

Now, our twins have slept through the night since they were about 7 weeks old, so it's a rare occasion when they do. But if you know me even slightly, you know that I have the WORST luck in all the world. (this is also how I got the drama queen title). So, I went to bed last night at 2am. That's pretty good considering I have been staying up since 5am. Well what do you know, but at 5:30 this morning the babies awake. Not one, BUT TWO! I go into the nursery and low and behold one's covered in last nights lasagna, and the other is screaming for food. Harper thinks that if she is awake, she needs to be eating. I can't let a child sit there covered in puke, so I pick her up. I get her cleaned, all the while listening to the other scream for a bottle. I finally get two bottles made and both babies in their high chairs disregarding all rules and regulations. They both eat, and they both stay awake.

On most days Kurt is home by 7:30, but since this is me we are talking about, he was running late. Really late. I am supposed to be at Drennen's tennis match by 9, but at fifteen after there is still no sign of Kurt. I have been up almost 4 hours and the whole time I have listened to my 11 month old daughters SCREAMING! Harper wants to use her bottle as a binkie and I have to use all of my strenth to get the nipple out of her mouth, and Bayler wants to be held. While I hold Bayler she decides she wants to play with my phone. It's fine until she starts calling the electric company. When I take it away, she becomes hysterical and proceeds to kick me in the stomach multiple times. This is where I send up a prayer...Oh Lord, please don't let me cause bodily harm unto my infant child today. Thank you and Amen. About fifteen minutes later, with both children still crying, daddy walks into the door. Immediately all is well....which makes me want to scream myself. I run out the door with nothing on but a t shirt. I get all the way to the tennis courts before I realize what has happened. Thank the Lord that there was a spare set of shorts in the car. They were Kurt's but nonetheless I wore them. I watched Drennen's tennis match for a whole 5 minutes before they called time. AAAAHHH!

And that was all before 10 am!

And a friends a friend forever...

I just want to take a moment to give a shout out to my friends. I have heard it preached SO many times that you are truly lucky to get only a few good friends in life. I feel beyond blessed that our group of friends is larger than that. Let me just give you a little insight.

Kelly- our leader! haha, it's not that she's the boss, cuz all of us are that, it's that she brought us all together.
April- Our connection. She knows everyone and always has the inside scoop.
Mindy- Our comedian. I'm serious, she needs to do stand up.
Tonya- Our Warrior. She is a rock. She cleans like it's her job and she is the LOUDEST of the group.
Rochelle- Our spiritual guide. She is always there with a verse to apply to whatever situation you are in.
Megan- Mama Bear. If she doesn't like it, she will let you know.
Stacy- The newbie. She has been welcomed into our group with open arms and already has been there for me more than a new comer should.
ME- THE DRAMA QUEEN. As much as I hate it, I'm the young one and there is still quite a bit of drama in my life.

Our group is 8 women large. And we are tighter than a bolt on a roller coaster. You upset one of us, you upset us all. As a group we have gone through a lot of heartache. We joke often about getting new friends. Problem is...no one would take us. So we stick together. We are like the movie Steel Magnolias. Literally. We call our selves a lot of things. Yayas, Sisters, Friends, and others that we won't mention due to liability reasons! I'm more thankful for them than words can say. They are my family. They keep me going. We speak...EVERYDAY! When one is hurting, we all hurt together. When we laugh, we laugh together. And when one is missing...well...they get talked about that day!

They have personally seen me through a lot of trials and are still standing beside me today. There are a lot of people that would turn up their noses and write me off, but not the group.

Do you have that kind of friends? I'm telling you, there is a lot of drama in a group that big, but the love they show is worth it. I just wanted to say to you ladies how grateful I am that you are part of my life... AND DON'T FORGET TO CREMATE ME when I'm gone.

Forgive and let die.

So, after a couple of really rough weeks I am laying to rest my anger, irritation, disappointment and resentment. I am married to a man who truly has the free spirit hippy soul. He's constantly preaching that there are certain things in life that we can't control, so why waste our days being upset about those things. He is 100% right. I hate to say it, but I have been to more funerals in my life than a 25 year old should have to. NONE of us are promised tomorrow, not one of us.

I don't wanna leave this world angry at anyone and angry at myself. I always think about the people we leave behind. I don't wanna leave that on someone. What if someone left that on you? It makes me sick to think about. And wasn't that the reason that Jesus paid the ultimate price...Forgiveness for all of us. If he can lay on a cross in agonizing pain, then surely I can forgive a friend who ticked me off!

Is there anyone you need to forgive? What if today was your last day on earth? I'm thinking there might be a few phone calls or visits that may need to be made. Remember, tomorrow may be to late!

Manic Mania

There are two hours left in this day.. which is? Thursday I think. Since Monday evening, I have had a total of 7 hours of sleep. TOTAL of 7 hours.I know what you are thinking...oh you poor thing, you must be exhausted. WRONG! I feel like I could run a 5k marathon right now and win. If you saw me, you would think I look exceptional. I feel like superwoman. I can juggle 3 kids, a husband, friends, house chores, work, church, blogging, facebook, and texting (all only being 2 weeks out of major abdominal surgery) without even flinching.
I don't sleep.
I don't eat.
I am down 8lbs in 11 days.
What's going on? I'm having a manic episode of bipolar.
I don't know how long it will last. I never do. I stopped my meds a few months after I had the girls and came out of my deep depression. Why? I like the highs. I know that sounds sick, but you can't even imagine what I am capable of getting done when I'm in a manic episode. I have never done drugs, but I can only imagine it's like being on a major dose of speed. Only I have no control over it.
I went to the doc yesterday. During my pregnancy I established a relationship with him that's more like a best friend than a doctor. He saw me at my very very worst. And he knew INSTANTLY that I was in an episode. He made me promise to get back on the meds right away. WHY? Well your brain starts releasing so much "feel good" feelings that eventually it takes over your ability to make sound decisions. You act on impulse. You don't think. You just do. People walk away from families, friends and their entire lives without even realizing what they have done. I have had one crazy week and once I realized what was happening, I know why I have acted the way I have.
I don't know if I have ever had a manic episode get away from me. That's the problem with them. When I look back on my teenage years and some of the crazy rash decisions I made, I wonder how much of that was teenager and how much of that was bipolar. I know I preached on this subject a few days ago. But, it's my entire life. It's something I face everyday. And it's my mission in life to talk about it as much as I can until it becomes a topic that's okay to sit around and talk about. Tomorrow morning I might fall off the manic. Part of this journal is for me to be able to go back and research what I felt during certain episodes of my life. It's really like watching my life happen in front of me while I'm behind a wall with no control over it. I have episodes that have lasted for months. I encourage you to google it. Education is key. Don't worry, I have scheduled appointment with doc to start the pills again. I know what's at stake when you aren't careful.

Today, I have felt the start of a fall.

To be continued...

Head vs. Heart

Head v. Heart is always a tough one for me. I am a feeler. I act on emotion. Sometimes that's great and sometimes it's not. This week I have been torn up over the head v. heart matter. My heart feels one way, my head knows it's wrong. What's the right answer?
It's different for everyone and every situation. I live my life so that when I'm 97 and sitting in my rocker on the front porch, I can look back and know that I did everything I wanted to do, and I said everything I wanted to say. I don't want any regrets. Life is too short for that. When you love someone, you gotta tell them. Your not promised tomorrow and neither are they.
So, this week I listened to my heart. I poured everything out that I needed to say. What was so difficult about it was that my head knew that NOTHING would come of it and I might even lose a friendship. But, my heart knew that my friendship was stronger than that and that I would never be ok living a life having not said what I feel. It's just not in me. So, I took the plunge and you know what? It might be one of the greatest decisions I have ever made. My heart was right and our friendship can withstand more than mosts....but my head was also right in that it doesn't really change anything. BUT! I can sleep at night....well hopefully. This blog was for no one but myself. Each situation has to be handled differently. But, I am a firm believer in getting it all out there. When you hold it in, you get stomach ulcers....LITERALLY!
It's like the Garth Brooks song...If tomorrow never comes, will you know how much I loved you? Did I try in every way to show you every day that you're my only one? And if my time on earth were through, could you still face this world without me? Will the love I gave you in the past be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes?

Don't let tomorrow pass you by. You might only have today.

Leprosy...I mean Bi-Polar Disorder

Yeah I said it...

I felt the need to get this out today. It's been weighing on me for awhile now. The BIG bi-polar topic. I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager. It was years later that I had a very dear friend let me know I might have bi-polar disorder. I say dear friend because only your closest, truest friends will let you know something like that. I remember looking up the disorder and finding myself checking 15 of 16 symptoms. I sent the link to my mother, whom then called my father and read them to him. He asked if my picture was next to the article because that was SO ME! After a few doctors visits, and years of therapy, I had been officially diagnosed. Bi-Polar Depression Disorder. Type 2.
It NEVER once bothered me that I have this disorder. It's not something I did, it's not something I asked for, it's not something I chose. It's a real sickness, requiring real medication. What I didn't expect was the reaction people have about it. I mean, people seriously look at you like you have a horrible disease...such as leprosy, or AIDS. I firmly believe the problem is that the world is uneducated to it. And you know how people are, when we don't get something, it's far easier to judge than to sit down and look at facts. I honestly feel that if more people would be open to talking about it, that we would have far less suicides. Part of the sickness is that you feel so ashamed feeling the way you do. But no one understands that it's not your fault you feel that way. And when the world shuts you out, you only sink further and further into your hole.
I had a very good friend whose husband took his life last year. I was so angry at him that I wanted to hit him when I saw him in the casket that day. It took a while for me to realize I was so angry because I had been there myself. I was angry that he felt like he couldn't share those feelings with someone. I was angry that the world pushed him down into his hole. I was angry at myself for being angry at him and judging him just like the rest of the world when I myself have been in that very pit.
I have been in the pit twice in my life. And I pray to God that I never reach that level of lowness again. It's not something you can explain when you come out of it, because you can't recall that feeling post depression. To this day though, I still cry thinking about those times. It's the hardest feeling in the world. Unfortunately, one was during my pregnancy, making it impossible me to go back to that time. That's why there are no pregnancy pics. There are no journals, cards, NOTHING that will remind me of that time. It's not something you wanna live again and it's not something you wanna remember. By the Grace of God I made it through 36 weeks of a twin pregnancy. By the Grace of God.
I just wanted to vent a little on that. Next time you hear someone say that they are Bi-Polar or that someone else has it.. say a little prayer for them. You never know where they are at on their coaster of emotions. You could be the very one that pulls them out of that pit.

25 and menopausal!

Yes it's true. I'm 25 and going through menopause. Not something you really see everyday. After going through 10 years of endometriosis, I finally made the decision to have the junk taken out. Junk is all it was. I don't regret my decision....well not yet. I started the hormones instantly but like everything big in my life, it didn't go down easy. The migraines started, I was sick, I was fainting and I was DONE! So, doc pulled me off the pills and now I'm really getting the full effects of being menopausal.

Between the hotflashes and night sweats and moodiness, I can't decide if this is harder on me or my husband. Not to mention our three children. It's only been 11 days since the surgery and I did way too much too fast. So on day 11, I'm in bed again wishing I would have listened. But hey, stubborn is my middle name.

It's almost...wait no...impossible to not pick up your sweet little babies. They don't understand that mommy can't pick them up. The sadness in their eyes when they reach out for you is just too much for this mommy to handle. Anyway, back to the blog.. I started this blog as a way to vent my own thoughts and feelings. I wrote a lengthy little story a few years back about my life and found that it was so nice to get all of that out and on paper. Even if no one reads it, I feel better. A few things you should probably know about me before you follow the posts...

I say what I think...ALWAYS. Life is too short to hold everything back and no one is guaranteed tomorrow. I don't wanna look back and wish I would have done something I didn't.

I'm not a private person. My life is literally an open book. So, if your looking for sugar coated and discretion, you might wanna follow someone else.

I'm a little crazy... haha. I'm a mother of twins, and I take on more in a week than some do in a year. SO, at times, I get a little frazzled and the crazy person comes out, which leads me to my last one.

I have bipolar depression...diagnosed a while back. So when you see the ups, and then the downs, just know that it's an issue and I'm working on it. My pregnancy with the girls was the lowest I have ever gotten and since I have had them, I have been a new person. I felt myself going into a bit of a funk after the hysterectomy, which is another fun side effect. So here I go, in a theraputic journey of writing.

Enjoy the ride.