For I know the plans...IN

Today wasn't my day. To be quite honest, the last month really hasn't been my month, but today just REALLY wasn't my day.

I found out around lunch that Drennen is in a class with no other friends this coming school year. We only have 8 boys in his class and they split down the middle in kindergarten. The other three made it into the other teachers class.
I've never been one to pick a teacher or make sure my son got who he wanted. I've always felt like God would put him where he needed/needs to be. But, when I found out that his security in that school, and the reason he gets up to go in the morning were all in the other class, my heart just crushed.

I dreaded telling him. The pain in my stomach, knowing what his reaction would be, was already too much.

 I wanted to have him switched. I wanted to run down to the school. I wanted to cry. And I, in fact, did all of these. In my head I wrestled with the demon and the angel. The mom in me just had to "fix it". The Doubting Thomas in me kept asking if this was how it was supposed to be? Am I doubting what the father has planned?

After coffee with a friend, hasty prayers sent up, a phone call to my mother, (because that's how serious this was) and talking to Drennen's father, (Yes, yes it was that bad.) I headed to the school.

Thankfully Drennen's dad has sent an email ahead voicing our concerns and when I arrived, they were expecting me. The principal met me with an understanding heart. And while he heard me on not wanting to make waves, he also said I wasn't a complainer and never asked anything of the school. (All true.) They decided to switch Drennen but at the expense of someone else. This didn't sit well with me, either. How would I feel if it was my child that was switched all because "some kid didn't get his friends?" I felt the need to speak with the teacher he was assigned and get her thoughts. I was, after all, happy that he had been assigned to her.

After a long heart to heart, I just had this feeling that Drennen needed to stay in this class; with this teacher. And she convinced me to tell him about the list and see how he felt, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

I made my way down the hall to the summer program where Drennen was. I put on a smile and started the whole conversation in as bubbly a voice as I could muster without sounding too fake. I asked if he knew which teacher he got and he said no. I told him and he said, "Man, she's the mean one!" I said, "She's only mean if you make her." I let him know the first kid in his class was his friend. Drennen was happy he was in there because the other kids weren't nice to his friend and he was happy they were together. At this point, I lied. I lied and told him that they had done that on purpose. I told him that they knew he was a good friend to this boy and they wanted to make sure they were together. I then named off the other boys. One he was thrilled over, one he could take or leave and the other he didn't know. And then.... I waited.

I waited for the reality to wash over him as he realized that none of the rest of his group would be with him. After awhile, when he still hadn't mentioned them, I finally did. I said, "So, do you realize that this means your other friends got into the other class?" He said, "Oh, yeah, but I'll see them at lunch and at recess." That was it. There was no pain in his eyes. There was no tears streaming down his face. Doubting Thomas couldn't let it rest yet, though. "Are you sure you are good? I was kind of worried. I didn't know if I should try and change it or fix it?" "Mom! I'm fine. Seriously. I can see them a lot."

I couldn't stay another second. The tears that had threatened all day just wouldn't be held another minute.
I knew I needed to go back down to the office and cancel the switch. But I just couldn't. I had to get out of there.

I all but ran to my truck and slammed the door shut. And there I just let dam break.

Sometimes in life we expect too much out of our children. I am the top on the GUILTY list. I was raised to have perfect grades, to excel in extra curricular activities, and to be perfection. And it's almost impossible not to expect the same out of my children.

But, then there are days, like today, when we don't expect enough.

 I sit here now knowing that God put him in the class he was intended to be in. He knows the plans he has for him. He knows the plans he has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future.

Only God could've changed the heart of my son today. I'm not saying this year will be a breeze, because I'm not stupid. But, I saw hope today..... I saw hope.

I'm still here....Old Drafts that were never published

Hey there....It's been almost a month since I wrote. Obviously I can use the excuse that is never doubted...."I have two year old twins." Kurt says I can't keep using that. I say I get until they are atleast 18; maybe even through college.
Without a doubt, October is always the busiest month of our year. It's College football season and we go to lots of games. It is also our anniversary and Halloween. All of that coupled together leaves us with no weekends. And this October, I found myself out of the house 3 nights a week for various meetings and such. Now that we are in November, I thought I'd catch a tiny little break, but so far that's just wishfull thinking.
I'm on our Personnell Committee at church this year. And we are in budget season, so as you can imagine that takes a lot of time, prayer, time and prayer!! To put it in perspective, our last meeting was 4 hours long. It's a hard committee to be on, but I know that I'm right where I need to be.
This morning, I caught a little break and decided to dust off my bible. HA! Truly, it's only been a week since I last opened it, but a week seems like an eternity when you live it without God. Of course, I haven't been completely without him. I've found myself in prayer a lot this week. A lot. There are a lot of decisions that have to be made in my life right now. They seem like they are all around me. And as I was sitting here writing this and thinking about it all, this song popped into my head. I think you need to hear the lyrics.

I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life.


I don't feel like there need to be any words after this. May God bless you this week!

Broken Hearted Randomness

There are times I am too loud. There are times I am too bold. There are times I say what I think before I think about what I am saying. There are days I wear my heart on my sleeve, but most days it may appear that I simply just have a heart made of stone and on rare days; no heart at all. I could sit here all day and name you my flaws. They far out number the good in me at times. I have tried to live a life with as few regrets and apologies as one person should have. But, who's to say how many a person should or shouldn't have?
I have many regrets in my life. But, I choose to look at them as experiences that I learned lessons from. Sometimes those lessons cost me more than I could have ever imagined or thought possible, but to walk away from them without having learned anything would truly be the biggest mistake of all.

You can say a lot of negative things about me and I won't disagree with much. But, you can never say that I don't love with all of myself. You can never say that my loyalty was lacking. You can never say that my family isn't my everything. Yes, you can look back on a time where they didn't matter as much to me, but in the end you will find that I didn't mean anything to ME. And when you don't love yourself, it's almost impossible to love others. And what a wicked twist of the knife to know that the lack of love for ones self looks just like complete selfishness to the outside looking in.

You can never say that I was high maintenance. If I have ever wanted something in life, I have worked, prayed, climbed, clawed, and done whatever it took to get it myself. It will be no one's claim but my own and the good Lord who has blessed it upon me for all that I have. I was raised with a strong work ethic. It's what I pride myself on. It's a foundation on which I build myself and what I judge others on. While, I know we shouldn't judge, we all do it anyway. At least I'm picking something that the world surely should be held accountable and judged for.

You can never say that I didn't defend what I believe in. You will always know where you stand with me. You may not like it. I may not like it. But, there is a peace, still, in the knowing. To take for granted the loyalty that I so freely give will not end well. And it doesn't just end badly for others, it cuts me too. I don't think people get that. When I have to cut out an entire chunk from my life and from my heart, the stone persona that has walked before me fails me. It fails me on the outside. It allows others to think that I don't care. It allows others to think that I wasn't even phased. But, once again, I hear my father. I hear him saying, "Get back on the saddle. If you don't now, you never will." And so there I am, with a foot in a stirrup swinging myself around. It's automatic. It's almost robotic. Some call it strength. I call it being.

And while I'm up there and I appear to have it all together, leading this horse home, but not letting her run...I can let the wind carry off the few tears that threaten to escape me.

If I am shaken, it will be momentarily. If I fall off, you can always place your money on me getting back up. It will always happen. It is not a choice. It is not about pride. It is not about strength. It is simply me.
x
So, I walked away.

 And while the wind may have caught a tear or two, may you find comfort in knowing.... that mare is resting, peacefully, after a long hard ride.