I miss my crack.

It's 9:21am. I got to work late....again. It's been like this all week. I am not hearing my alarm clock in the mornings. Nor am I hearing my children cry in the night. I'm not sure if it's because they aren't waking up, or that I'm sleeping through it. I feel tired. My eyes feel heavy. I am struggling to get in the zone.

It's my pills. While they indeed help my brain shut down, they are working a little too well. I cut them in half, as suggested by my doctor, but still, I am a zombie. I am not sure if I'm taking them too late or if they are just truly that powerful.

It's times like today that make a bipolar go off their meds. I MISS MY CRACK! I want my high back. I feel like I'm in rehab about to rip off someones face for just a tiny little bit of the good stuff. I'm ready to shoot a puppy if I think they are holdin'. And don't send me hate mail over that. I'm just laying it out there.

Night time is MY time! It's when I get something done. Whether it's reading, catching up on my tv, cleaning, laundry, bible study, or just sitting on the porch talking to one of the ya-ya's. IT'S MY TIME! With these pills, I'm not getting my time. I take them and then thirty minutes later, I'm struggling to make a complete sentence. My brain literally shuts off, and it takes me 15 seconds or more to get the next word in my train of thought out. It's so frustrating.

Just a short week and half ago, I could have stayed up til 5am getting all of the things on my list done, and wake up at 7am ready to start another crazy day, without even blinking an eye. Again, I MISS MY CRACK! I know that staying on my meds are the only way I can live a normal, well maybe not normal, but a healthy lifestyle. I'm pretty sure no amount of drugs will make me "normal". HAHA!

I have never been addicted to anything. I think I can say that and truly mean it. Yeah, I have drank more than I should have on occasions for long periods of time, I smoked like a chimney for awhile, and I smoked a couple joints back in the day. I'm not a soda pop fan, and I mostly stay on decaf coffee. And without even thinking, I could stop those things without the slightest bit of effort. So I am quite confident that I have never been an addict of any sort.....UNTIL NOW! I'm telling you, if they bottled the feeling I get from my manic episodes, I would walk through hell and take candy from a child to get it! And listen, I'm not one for taking candy from a child.

This is the hardest part of bipolar disorder. And I feel like I need to say this: I do not hate that I am bipolar. Sometimes I even love that I am. It truly allows me to think outside the box. You know when you buy a book of crossword puzzles. They have easy, hard, and challenging. Well for me, I couldn't do the easy or hard ones to save my life, but hand me a challenging one, and I can have it completed in a matter of minutes. My brain just truly thinks different. What seems so easy to most, presents the most trouble for me. I do not want any sympathy for this. I don't mind it. And I take offense when someone looks at me with pity. I am hear to educate, not to for pity votes. Just throwin that out there!

I wish I had some genius, thought provoking ending to this little blog. Unfortunately, I don't. Blame my pills.