Drafts that were Never Posted.

We are gonna just pretend it hasn't been 7 months since I last blogged. I will sum it up with a one word excuse and we will move on. Twins. :)
......
 I am having one of those weeks. The emotional breakdown kind. I'm pretty sure tonight's tears were caused in large part due to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy season finales. My gosh, they have amazing writers. I am also sitting in my pajamas in the dark crying due to the fact that my son informed me that in one week he will be a 4th grader. And to cap it off, Harper asked me today if we were still gonna have a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party. For them! In two months!! Because my babies are going to be 3. I can't take it.

 There truly have been a lot of factors and stresses going on this week. We are making HUGE decisions in our lives and it's got us all a little rattled. Hopefully most of these decisions will lead us to greater things.

Perhaps one of the main reasons that my heart is crying is the fact that one of my best friends in the whole world is getting married this weekend. A really long chapter of my life is coming to an end. I guess to be fair it ended a long time ago. But you just can't help but think of it all when they are getting ready to walk down the aisle. I wish I was going to be there. And yet, I'm not sure I could get far enough away. It's kind of one of those situations where you know when the preacher asks "Is there anyone hear who can give a reason why these two shouldn't be wed? Speak now or forever hold you peace," that you don't trust yourself to hold it. The peace that is. And what a stupid phrase. If you were even considering speaking your reasons for two people not to get married, then how can you hold on to that and call it peace?? I know there are people who sit there in that pew and think, 'God please make me a mute until this wedding ends.' And then in the same thought process, 'God I hope there's and open bar.' I've never been there until now. And that's why I won't be attending. Well that and the fact that I wasn't invited. HA! That may factor in just a bit.

 I just wonder if there are situations that you just never fully get over. Ones where no matter how much time passes, and no matter how happy you have become, you still can't see a picture or hear a song without wanting to crumble and hide under a rock in the fetal position. Thank goodness the band I can't listen to ISN'T Rascall Flats! That would be just to much to bare. And it's not that I can't listen to it. It's just that songs tie you to a specific place in time. And sometimes that place is a good one, and in my case it's a great one. The problem isn't that past place in time. It's the present. It hurts in the present because you can't go back to the past. You can't relive those days and years. You can't change the decisions that were made, the things that were said, and more importantly; the things that weren't. And the irony of it all is that I wouldn't want anything to change! That makes no sense I'm sure. But once you've had some time to recover and step away from situations you are able to see that things happened exactly the way there were supposed to. And, yes, there are times you still want to cry and scream and punch a wall, but you still know that you are right where you need to be. And where you want to be.

 So here's my peace. It's a broken, distorted view of peace, but here it is anyway. If I were there to be the best man or the maid of honor here is what I would say:

You have been a part of my life when my life was in a million parts. You held my hand, caught my tears and said more in your silence than one could ever voice. For all of these years I have waited and watched as you searched for the missing piece to your puzzle. The thing about puzzles is that a piece can seem so perfect when you hold it up, and yet when you try to link it together, your realize it's just a tiny bit off. And it's not until you find that exact fit that your puzzle can be complete. So on this day, as you link your piece with another, I pray that you never see the edges again. I pray that you always stay one person. I pray that on your darkest days and through your hardest trials, that you look up and remember who brought you to each other. All I have ever wanted for you is happiness and I am SO glad that you have found it. May you look back on your life and know that every tear, laugh, and step you took led you to this very moment. And that in this moment you can say, "Man, it was worth it."

Back in it...

It feels like I am a month behind in my blogging. Oh wait...that's because I am!

I have so much to tell.

In the beginning of October I took over a business for a friend. I am now a representative for Miche Handbags. It has been a wonderful experience so far, and I have been so busy with it. Now I know why Sarah had to pass it on to someone else.

I have spent most weekends forming new relationships and new friendships. It's exciting to begin new chapters and I never expected it to go so well. Then again, I'm a people person and get along with most. This is not to say that I have completely wiped out the ya-yas. Yes, our group as a whole is no longer together, however, I have maintained friendships with most. I know that my previous blog made it sound like I wrote them all off. It's still very awkward for me as I have said before, I was so dependant on some of them and dependent on our "family" type friendship. I love them all dearly, and I think I just look at the whole situation differently. It's a positive difference.

I continue to see my shrink on a biweekly basis. The meds are working!!! I totally feel like I am leading a more even tempered life. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it all happened at this time in my life. I know that God saw the events that I have delt with in the last couple of months and knew that I needed to be a little more mentally sane before I had to deal with them.

I have been toying with the idea of starting a Bipolar/Mental Disorder awareness/support group in our area. That's basically as far as I've gotten in that it's still rattling around in my head. It's just so important to me that others understand this. I mean, you can only understand up to a certain point. If you don't have a mental disorder, you can't possibly 100% grasp the extent of it.

My children are great. It feels like on of the three are almost always sick, but I think that comes with the territory. Harper has now joined Bayler in the walking adventure, and so I spend my nights and weekends literally running after them. Whew...you wanna stay skinny. Have twin 15 month olds running around you!

I think this about catches you up to present day. I am busy with work, and looking forward to the holiday season here at the studio and at home. Thanksgiving in my favorite holiday and I can't wait to spend it with our family!

That's it for now. Catch you on the flip side.

It's been too long...

Wow, over a month since I last posted. Can't believe that. You seriously can't imagine how busy October was for me. INSANE!

I reread my last post to see where I left off. It was kind of a sad note. I wish I could say that October got better. The first part was truly rough. I said so long to another good friend. One of my best friends, actually. It hurt a lot. It still does. I think about him daily. But I know that my decision to walk away was the right one, for sooooo many reasons.

The ya-ya's are no more. Any chance I thought we had at mending it all has diminished for me. And to tell you the truth, I think it was all for the best. I keep looking back to my Divine Intervention blog. Losing your closest friends is defintely a life interruption. But throughout the last month, God has shown me the Intervention that he needed me to see.

But not all is lost...I have started some really great friendships with some really great people. It's refreshing and nice. And most of all, there hasn't been drama. Cross our fingers! I hate change. Absolutely hate it. But this is one time that the change was so GOOD!

There's so much more to tell, but it's holiday season here at the studio! And as you can imagine, we are SWAMPED!

Ta ta for now.

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I am exhausted today. Truth be told, I have been exhausted for awhile. My mind is tired, my emotions are shot, and I'm physically running on fumes.

It was a rough weekend. Headed to Oklahoma at 4am on Saturday to go to my Grandpa's funeral. I thought I had been pretty accepting of his death, as he's older, and we knew it was coming. But as I sat in the church, I realized we were saying goodbye to the second half of our family's core. Granny passed already.

I walked through a house that so many of my best memories were made. Sitting in that kitchen chair staring out the window while granny made us french toast and her secret orange juice. We were older when we figured out it was just Bright an Early oj, with a scoop of tang in it. Still, it was special to us. I loved our summers spent there learning to cross stitch. Learning to cook. Hearing the stories of years past. That's what happens when you have a 95 year old grandpa. You get to hear the good stuff.

I did something I never do. I actually viewed the body lying in the casket. I just had to see the face one last time of the man who started this amazing legacy that we call our family.

The service was beautiful. One of the greatest sermons ever preached probably. It's easy to talk when you know without a doubt that the man you are remembering is dancing with Jesus as you talk.

We left the next morning early and headed to Oklahoma City as my grandmother had been taken there the night before with heart issues. Talk about a crazy weekend. My mom has been put through the ringer. We are all just tired.

I just wanna break down. I try and look at this sweet little picture on my desk reminding me how fragile life truly is. I feel bad complaining knowing what others have gone through, but I can't help it. Part of my family is broken. Part of my core is shaken. And it really never will be the same.

I have no point to this blog. I'm getting a bit numb to the events that have happened in the last month. I pray for the person who is left holding the grenade that is me when I finally do have a breakdown. It will happen. Just not sure how or when.

Testing my patience...

I have been blessed in my life. Probably more than I deserve. God has given me more blessings than I can count. One thing he skipped was PATIENCE. I mean, he didn't even give me a little. I'm not sure if he ran out that day or what.

Yesterday I had to take Bayler to the doctor. She has been running what they call "cycle fevers". She basically runs a fever every 10 days or so with no other symptoms.

I brought it up last time we were in the doctors office with Harper. I figure I might as well get my money's worth out of each visit! I was told to bring her whenever I had a free moment. Come straight to the lab to get a CBC and a chest x-ray. There would be no wait because it's the lab. On the way home that day, they called me to say that the doctor would actually like to see her the day I came in for labs. So I schedule an appointment.

Yesterday, I took her in. I actually took her, Harper and Kurt. The plan was to hit the lab, take the kids to daycare, and head to work. HAHAHAHAHA! This is me we are talking about. I mean, I asked myself last night if I honestly thought it was going to go as planned. Stupidly, I did.

We get to the doctors office at 8am. We signed in and took our seats in the flu, cough, and cold infested waiting room. 20 minutes go by. 30 minutes go by. 35...40. My girls are getting restless. They are tired, they are cranky, and they don't wanna be there any longer. I actually kind of wanted one of them to start screaming in hopes that it would annoy the nurses and we would get in a little quicker!

After 45 minutes of waiting, I walk up front. I tell the receptionist in the sweetest voice I could possibly muster up, "Ma'am, we were here for labs and told there would be no waiting". She replies with a slimy little smirk on her face, "We understand. We are very busy today and we are waiting to get your paperwork so we can send it to the lab". What? My paperwork isn't even to the lab and I've been here 45 minutes? I wanna slap her, but resist the urge, and calmly take my seat.

Another 15 minutes goes by and I ask the lab if they have receive my paperwork. Yes, yes they have! Great! (again, this is me.) "It's gonna be awhile before we can get to you, as we have regularly scheduled patients in front of you". Hmmmm...Do I slap her in the face right then and there, do I calmly walk away, or do I break down and cry? So many choices. I opt for option #4. "There must be some mistake. I was told there would be NO WAIT, and I have been here for over and hour with 2 cranky kids. So, I don't care who you have to beg, borrow, or steal from, you are gonna get to my daughter in the next 10 minutes, or you are gonna need to call my shrink because I'm thinking the fuse at the end of my firecracker isn't gonna hold any longer than that!!!"

As I sit back down, I tell Kurt he should probably go ahead and take Harper on to daycare. Who knows when we will get in. As they leave, Bayler starts screaming because she's her daddy's girl and he has left her. Whadda ya know? They have called my name. GREAAAAAT! I love that I will get to be the one to hold her down for x-rays and needle pokes when she is already screaming for her daddy!

I won't go in to detail about how HORRIFIC that whole process went. I will say that they were so kind as to go ahead and give me my results then instead of having me come to my actual appointment at 1:45. I'm not sure if she did it out of the kindness of her heart or because I said to her..."You will find someone to read me these results right now. I WILL NOT be coming back in a few hours just to wait another 2. I also WILL NOT leave here until I get those results and if one more person tells me that someone is ahead of me, I am gonna go postal!" And you know what's weird? She got us right in!!! Funny how that works, huh?

Long story longer...She is anemic, and has a low white blood cell count. They are gonna hit her with some iron and a strong dose of antibiotics to make sure there is no underlying infection hanging around. We will retest when she has finished the antibiotic.

And you know what? I get the feeling that I'm gonna get right in this time. :)

Words I need to say.

So, I get a phone call last night. A friend of a friend is going through some rough times and is kind of in the same bipolar boat that I am paddling in. Man, I don't know this person, I have never met them, talked to them, or heard anything about them. But you know what? If someone is the same situation as me, then you can bet your butt that I'm gonna be there.

Why? First and foremost, when you are Bipolar, manic-depressive, depressed, or any other kind of mental disorder, YOU FEEL ALONE! Partly because you are, and mostly because you go along with the mentality that society has created and you keep to yourself. You wouldn't want anyone to catch it!

Secondly, most people DO NOT get it! They do not understand what you are going through! You can talk to your friends until you are blue in the face, but if they have not walked your path, they CAN NOT understand. Not even slightly.

If you haven't stayed up for 120 hours straight, you don't get it.

If you haven't eaten for days on end because your mental side has effected your physical abilities, you don't get it.

If you haven't gotten out of bed for days because you simply can not do it, you don't get it.

If you have never thought about life without you in it, you don't get it.

If you can't keep a job because of your anxiety and inability to focus, you don't get it.

If you can't get through a single thought process because your thoughts race through your mind like a Kentucky Derby, you don't get it.

If you have never felt like no one can possibly know what you are going through, you don't get it.

If you have never been so enraged that you have blacked out, you don't get it.

If you have never felt like you could fly in one second, and then feel like you are in hell the next, you don't get it.

And if you have never gone through this, THEN YOU DON'T GET TO JUDGE!

Yes, you can tell your friends and they can pray for you, talk to you, listen to you, but they will never fully understand the day to day struggles that you face. You MUST, and I repeat, YOU MUST GET HELP! No one can change this for you, but you. And you can not do this alone. This is like having asthma. It's not gonna go away because you will it to. When you are attacked, you need an inhaler. It's the same with mental disorders. You need medicine. You need a professional.

Mental disorders can control your life. They can ruin your life. DO NOT LET THEM.
I have walked this path a VERY long time. I know what it can do. And I know what it can't. I am not alone. I am not the only one who goes through this, but it took almost 10 years before I met someone who was willing to admit that they were paddling in the same boat I am. Break your silence. Do not be ashamed. It is not your fault, and if you don't allow it to control you, then it will not! Is it hard? HELL YES it's hard. It's a daily event to sit there and take a pill. It's a mental struggle to feel like you have to take a pill to be normal. That's hard.

But you know what? It's worth it. You wanna know how I know? Come spend the day with me.

Little Sponges

Everyone knows that kids are smarter than you think. They soak up absolutely EVERYTHING they see and hear. Sometimes this is a great thing. And....sometimes it's not.

Last night I had a free second between church and church, (yeah I said that right), to spend a couple minutes with the kids. The girls were just playing along happy as could be. I made the comment about how hot I was, because I just ran 3 miles. Bayler walked over to me and started blowing. What a smart little cookie. She blew on me like I was her food. Sweet little thing.

All of a sudden, Harper hit Bayler with the TV remote. I yelled "no-no", and both kids turned. I forget that I have to clarify which child I'm speaking too, especially since both girls seem to associate NO with Bayler. Because 99% of the time, she is the one who it's directed to. So, I said it again, "NO Harper". As soon as Bayler realized it was Harper that was getting in trouble, she walked over to her, swatted her hand and said "NO". I couldn't believe it. She knows that when it's big trouble, there is a swat on the hand and a loud NO to follow! Part of me wanted to laugh, and part of me wanted to get on to her. Of course, laughter won out.

As I watched them play a little bit longer, I laid down for a brief second on the living room floor. The next thing I know, Bayler has sunken her teeth into my knee! I yelped and let out a SERIOUS NO! Bayler knew immediately that I wasn't playing. She walked straight up to me, making kissing noises the whole way. She reached me and kissed me on the lips! SHE KNOWS! She knew that she was in big trouble and she played the "I'm so sweet, and I'm gonna kiss you now to keep me from getting into more trouble." Of course, this worked. How do you spank a child that just kissed you. Please keep in mind this little devil is 13 months old! I am shocked that she has learned such sophisticated charm skills at such a young age. Definitely her mothers' child.

A few more minutes go by and Harper starts to cry. I look down and see teeth marks and a guilty looking Bayler staring back at me. This time I'm aggravated. I bite her back and say no. She just looked at me like I was mental. I think she either thought, 'Are you seriously biting me right now'? or 'Is that all you've got'? It didn't phase her nonetheless. Kurt just laughed and laughed as all this happened in about a 5 minute time frame. He said, "obviously the spanking and biting isn't working". Really Kurt? Thank you for that observation.

It wasn't 2 minutes later, as Kurt was watching something stupid on the History channel, when Bayler bit him on the leg. Well what did he do? He spanked her butt hard. He was hot. Apparently it's a bigger deal when it's you that has been bitten.

Bayler started bawling. More than anything, she couldn't believe that her daddy had spanked her. She is 100% a daddy's girl. 100%. She cried all of 3 seconds and then just stared at Kurt. If looks could kill, I'd be picking out a coffin today. She crawled away from him and just stared. When he came close to her, she scooted away. When he tried talking to her, she started crying again. Now, talk about comical. I couldn't do anything but laugh. It's a little different when the shoes on the other foot, isn't it?

I headed off to church with a little bit of sarcasm in my step. I know that's hard to believe. But it's true. When I came home that evening, she was asleep with daddy. Hmmm...guess someone felt a little guilty.

Moral of this little tale. Your kids watch you. They pick up things that you can not believe. You are teaching them the ways of the world long before you even know. I, personally am guilty of saying, 'well, when they learn to talk, I'll stop saying that or this'. NEWSFLASH...that time is now. Just because they can't put all the syllables together doesn't mean they aren't getting the meaning behind your words. We are examples. We are gonna be gone one day and these children will be raising their children with the same morals, beliefs and values that they were taught, but more importantly; that they SAW!

What kind of example are you?